To feel deflated after a charity xmas do hearing a paid worker saying it was a 'free lunch' for them?

[YNK]

I had an injury and joined a great charity group a few years ago to meet for coffee once a week and to enjoy activities and support each other.

Some members are in residential care due to the severity of their condition so they are always accompanied by carers, others have fully recovered.
Members pay for activities and weekly meetings and pay happily and willingly for the chance to meet and socialise.

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

I feel grubby now and I'm thinking of leaving the group - AIBU?

OP you are being unreasonable, you're looking for a reason to be offended. If these carers weren't working, were there other carers working with your friends?

If I was going to a work Christmas lunch that was free I would also refer to it as a free lunch. Is that disrespectful to my manager?

I don't think you can compare a works Christmas lunch to inviting someone to your house.

Just because they weren't working that day doesn't mean that it isn't a work event. Even if it is for a charity, the support workers/carers are still operating in paid positions.

Do you feel most aggrieved because you feel like you have paid for this persons dinner? Because there's no guarantee you did. With a wealthy patron and presumably other donations not from the club members there is most likely a little pot of money put away for Christmas lunches.

Anyway, you've come in AIBU and in time honoured fashion will not be told anything you don't agree with so I don't know what you hope to gain if it isn't another perspective.

People who are lower down on the totem pole in a charity are often extremely poorly paid and it is natural for them to enjoy the odd freebie which is thrown their way, whether or not they are paid to attend. Besides, there's no such thing as a free lunch

Yes, and in ressponse to another point re equals I don't think op does see the carers as equals and that they should be grateful and bowing to the fact that THEY mere carers were invited to this benevolent lunch!

This is the second thread about an overheard comment that has caused offence.

Really, unless the comment is 100% obviously nasty and offensive, overhearing someone else's comments, taking it out of any context, not being party to any previous of later conversations they have which may add additional context and then taking it on face value and judging them for it - is not on (imo).

What people say as off hand comments and what they really feel are very often two different things. It just daft to 'eavesdrop' and then take offence at something you were never meant to hear, anyway.

Why were they there if they weren't assisting anyone?

I often take customers out for lunch on company expenses, it’s a good way to get to know them, I get a free lunch and don’t cook in the evening. Surely this is the same? I wouldn’t take them out if I had to pay

Maybe the carers could organise a flash mob 'thank you' dance similar to 'food glorious food' to show how grateful they are?

What a bloody overreaction. One bloke, who you don’t even know, made some flippant comment and now you are considering abandoning the group! How about you show some Christmas spirit and assume the best of him, that he didn’t mean to be unkind.

Was something else said that you haven't shared? If not this is a ridiculous overreaction. We had a work lunch out paid for by the company, it was nice and I was grateful for the company to pay for it and chat to my co workers on a more social basis.

Would I have gone in my free time and/or if I had to pay for myself ? Highly unlikely.

Do not walk away from a group that offers you support and friendship over the apparently innocent comments of a paid carer.

But they’re not friends. They’re paid to ‘care’. It’s their job. They’re not volunteers. Attending a lunch full of people they either don’t know or are paid to care for isn’t an honour!

@YNK I once had a live-in care job for a woman who sounds like you. I was supposed to have a 2 hour break every afternoon, the client booked a Christmas meal out at an expensive restaurant for herself and her friends during my usual break hours. She needed me, as her carer, to go along too. I would also have the meal. No problem, it's necessary to be flexible re breaks as a live-in carer. But when I tried to discuss with her at what time that day taking my break would suit her, she was outraged saying 'we are taking you out to a restaurant, that will be your break!". I left that job.

The only thing that would make sense is if the OP is a bit sweet on this bloke and it's crapped on the picture of him in her head.

This is ridiculous, for a start I can’t make out anything from your almost cryptic posts.

Are they actual carers, or was the comment made by a solicitor? Your posts make little to no sense.

So they were not working but were invited in their own time to attend and did? That doesn't indicate that they didn't want to be there to be honest, they chose to in their own time. I think perhaps you're looking into one comment far too much, what is much more telling is how did they engage with everyone during the lunch etc?

I hope you realise just how poorly these carers are paid.
So a free lunch would have been something to comment on I imagine

OP you are incredibly sensitive to anything you perceive as criticism. And very keen on telling us you have friends!!

this comment was not patronising. It was a realistic summary of the situation - and I do think many of your ‘friends’ will understand the reality of their relationship with their carers.

I do think you are massively and unusually emotionally invested in all this - and you need to give your head a wobble

I didn’t understand at first but @dontbuyadell’s comment makes it clear. It is mean spirited and should have been kept as a private comment away from the event if that is how they felt. It is unprofessional for a start and secondly, they shouldn’t have attended if they found it a chore. I wouldn’t leave the charity if you benefit but is there someone there you can discuss this with? It can see it is hurtful.

I think that’s fair.

I also think the OP is refusing to acknowledge the poor pay and conditions paid carers experience, and is trying to gloss everything over in an ‘all friends together’ way, when in fact there’s something of an economic divide at this lunch, regardless of the injuries or illnesses of those the paid careers assist.

Not a charity,but I used to work with adults with disabilities. Through my job I went on holiday to Spain and Italy, I went out for dinner every Sunday thatvi worked. I went to the cinema to see the latest films etc as well as a load of other things. It didn't cost me a penny. People used to say that I was lucky because I was 'free'. However, I was doing these things as a carer. People weren't seeing the difficult part of being carer and I wouldn't be doing those things out of choice or in my free time.
There's no such thing as ' Christmas spirit.it is an individual's perception of what they want it to be. The carers would rather be doing something else if they had a choice, hence 'at least we got a free meal' comment.

I volunteer for a local group, not really relevant what it is or what I do, however the people that run the charity put on a few events over the year, I find them tedious and awful BUT I appreciate their efforts and go along. I don't want to be there, and hopefully I haven't said anything out loud but I know I have thought it

Some members have suffered and been compensated legally for injuries caused and many are now financially secure and if assistance is provided, I feel this 'them and us' divide is hurtful.

Could you explain what you mean by this @YNK please, the way it reads is as if you resent those members who have been compensated, are financially secure and pay for carers. Or are you saying there is a divide between carers and everyone else?

After a very nice xmas lunch, as we were leaving a group of paid carers could be heard saying it was at least a decent 'free lunch'

You have since contradicted this by revealing it was only one carer who said this, what really is your issue? Do you resent contributing to the carers lunch because you don't have a carer?

What is that saying - Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

And try to not judge make assumptions on others attending, their compensation etc because you will.only see a small element of their life.

Regarding the carers - it's not an easy job. It's certainly underpaid. You overheard a comment that could be seen as crass but is it worth not going out, doing activities because of a couple of people who made a comment?

Or is your issue more with the charity spending money on Christmas meals?

It was a small perk in what can be a stressful unpaid role I wouldn't begrudge them that

Having been on both sides 'carer' and 'service user' at this type of event, I've been thinking about your post a lot OP.

In the caring role I sometimes genuinely connect with 'service users' and really love their company, and sometimes it does feel more of an obligation (usually just down to personality mismatch). I would hope that the 'service users' themselves don't notice that feeling though.

When I have used these services myself, it can feel that the 'carers' are part of the group, and sometimes you do make genuine connections with them (or at least I've felt that way).

Of course, there is a power imbalance (both ways), and it's different being there in a work capacity, but whether the 'carers' genuinely like specific 'service users' or not, IMO it's not acceptable for them to complain within earshot, and they should still be respectful of the 'service users'.

I can understand your anger and upset at hearing your friends being patronised and disrespected in this way. I don't think you should stop attending the group though, as it clearly seems to bring benefit to you and your friends.

The carer wasn't wrong to think/say in private 'at least it was a free lunch' (they may have not wanted to be there that day for all sorts of reasons) but they were wrong, and disrespectful, to say it in front of/in earshot of you and your friends.