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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What has made motherhood easier for you?

182 replies

daisidoo · 11/12/2023 16:13

Was it staying at home, working part time, always working full time? Support network, area you live in, temperament of child, having an only child? Your attitude and personality? Having kids young while you have energy or having fun first before settling down? A combination of any of the above, or something else entirely?

Just interested as it seems some folk have a very easy breezy carry-on and adapt quickly while others seem to seriously struggle and complain their lives have altered for the worse.

I know that no two experiences are identical but wonder what helps and what doesn’t iyswim 😀

OP posts:
Dogcatmousedog · 12/12/2023 00:14

Having local friends with baby’s of similar age,so I literally got out and about every day to meet up with another adult,
Really supportive ,fairly local grandparents .
Working very part time so an opportunity to escape out, on my own a couple of days a week .
Financially fairly comfortable.
Huge living space ,particularly downstairs and a decent garden .
Easy going husband who mucked in once home from work.
I really do appreciate I was lucky .

Benibidibici · 12/12/2023 00:18

Being mature and ready to cccepting that it meant change to my life and some sacrifices, no longer simply doing what I wanted but putting a child's needs first.

It helped that i had sort of outgrown being out til 3am etc.

I actually think leaving it later makes it harder. If you're late thirties and have enjoyed several years of being dual income no kids, you are used to a lifestyle thats really hard to give up.

Benibidibici · 12/12/2023 00:23

Oh and in contrast to the people saying having one is easier...

Having the second made it easier! They adore each other and play together so much, two is much easier than one for me.

shoutandpout · 12/12/2023 00:24

Highlyflavouredgravy · 11/12/2023 16:28

Having an exceptionally loving and supportive husband who pitched in and did his share of everything.

Cheers 🥂 to that - certainly makes life easier imo

Notthatcatagain · 12/12/2023 00:24

Having a good partner would be pretty high on my list. There were a variety of small things that made motherhood easier. Like keeping away from my crazy mother and giving up breastfeeding because I was really rubbish at it. Without doubt the thing that is the best was them both being old enough to move out, and red wine of course, lots of red wine

Flittingaboutagain · 12/12/2023 00:26

I actually think leaving it later makes it harder. If you're late thirties and have enjoyed several years of being dual income no kids, you are used to a lifestyle thats really hard to give up.

^ or a lifestyle you would trade in for a much wanted family in my case. Who needs 25 years of evenings out in a row?! Definitely ready for night feeds and tantrums and playdoh over the theatre.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/12/2023 09:15

fourelementary · 11/12/2023 23:27

After over a quarter of a century as a Mum I can honestly say it’s not easy and not expecting it to be easy was probably best. Totally disagree with PP who said living life first meant it was easier- I found starting young meant I didn’t have so much to let go of or to lose and so allowing myself to pretty much just be a mum for a decent chunk of my children’s lives was easier. I work now but was a SAHM for years and honestly I don’t know how people do it with young children and I’m sorry but it’s just not possible to meet young children’s (and by this i mean 0-3 years really I guess) needs whilst working full time.
We were sold a lie- we can’t have it all. There is always someone losing out…
Morherhood is hard. For me, being child led made it easier in the sense of I didn’t find motherhood a struggle. But I know I sacrificed a lot and others would have found that hard…

How can you possibly know that if you've never worked full time with a 0-3 year old?

Even then, as you can see from this thread, people are different. One person may find it easier to be a SAHM but for the next person, they would find it hell and working makes them a better parent.

Bicorne · 12/12/2023 09:20

Benibidibici · 12/12/2023 00:18

Being mature and ready to cccepting that it meant change to my life and some sacrifices, no longer simply doing what I wanted but putting a child's needs first.

It helped that i had sort of outgrown being out til 3am etc.

I actually think leaving it later makes it harder. If you're late thirties and have enjoyed several years of being dual income no kids, you are used to a lifestyle thats really hard to give up.

Not for me. I was almost 40 when I had DS, and had done so many of the things I wanted like travelling, going out a lot, concentrating on work etc. that I was happy to take some time out and live more quietly for a bit.

SalmonWellington · 12/12/2023 09:26

Lots of stuff you have limited control over - money, healthy baby, supportive partner, family and friends, living somewhere suitable. Sleep.

One thing you do perhaps have some control over is accepting from the off that baby is a person and will have preferences. Your dreams might be outdoorsy and active - but if you get a quiet toddler who loves being indoors and doing crafts you'll be a lot happier if you adapt to that rather than dragging him to rugby tots. Equally, a rampaging, climb everything, first word is ball little girl will never be happy playing Sylvanian families. And that's ok.

StardustGiraffe · 12/12/2023 11:41

thecatsthecats · 11/12/2023 19:53

For me, (admittedly at only 8 days in) absolutely the opposite.

I am enjoying my time with my baby, my husband and my cat. Occasional visitors are fine, but I'm loving our peaceful little routine, and don't need any support - not at the expense of chill time.

Show quote history

I didn't mind at 8 days in either because my DP was still on paternity leave, but once he was back at work and it was just me and the baby from 7am onwards, I needed that network 1000%.

HarrietStyles · 12/12/2023 11:48

Honestly: money

My first child we didn’t have much money, …not poor, but it was a stretch for me to take 9 months maternity leave. We lived far away from both families and so could afford zero help/support.

By the time we had our 4th child my husband had been incredibly lucky in his career and we were very much more well off. We could afford to pay for a part-time mother’s help, weekly cleaning and ironing service etc. And I could afford to take several years off work as a SAHM.

Having help (whether that’s family/friends or paid for) made al the difference to me. Completely different experiences.

emmetgirl · 12/12/2023 11:52

My DD being 28

HarrietStyles · 12/12/2023 11:53

Also in the first year - if you are lucky to get a great sleeper then it makes the first year a much more pleasureable experience. Two of my babies slept through from about 8 weeks old, the other 2 didn’t sleep through until they were over a year old! The long-term lack of sleep is exhausting and had an impact on my mental well-being.

thecatsthecats · 12/12/2023 11:54

StardustGiraffe · 12/12/2023 11:41

I didn't mind at 8 days in either because my DP was still on paternity leave, but once he was back at work and it was just me and the baby from 7am onwards, I needed that network 1000%.

Show quote history

Clearly I was a bit distracted, but I meant to write 8 weeks in!

But I love solitude. Even in the earliest days I took time out walking by myself as I knew that even though I felt guilty, it's an essential part of my wellbeing.

thecatsthecats · 12/12/2023 11:57

SalmonWellington · 12/12/2023 09:26

Lots of stuff you have limited control over - money, healthy baby, supportive partner, family and friends, living somewhere suitable. Sleep.

One thing you do perhaps have some control over is accepting from the off that baby is a person and will have preferences. Your dreams might be outdoorsy and active - but if you get a quiet toddler who loves being indoors and doing crafts you'll be a lot happier if you adapt to that rather than dragging him to rugby tots. Equally, a rampaging, climb everything, first word is ball little girl will never be happy playing Sylvanian families. And that's ok.

Agree with this, and also my mantra of "the baby hasn't read the manual either". My baby doesn't know what wake windows are and doesn't believe in them. He prefers cosleeping because he hasn't read the risks (or substantial evidence to the contrary).

Unless there's an actual problem with growth or general behaviour/development, don't get worried about a problem that doesn't exist.

TravellingT · 12/12/2023 12:09

Money, being able to work from home, nannies. Being able to outsource everything- cleaning, laundry, dinner, etc. Is a great help.

We have 5 children under 7, I'm not even 30 yet. Motherhood is a breeze to me, I have a great support system, close female friends who are there when I need them etc.

My husband is a proper Dad, he doesn't 'babysit' our children, he doesn't ask where the nappies are, or what snacks to buy. He knows our kids routines, what they like, what they're doing at any moment of the day. He works full time, and when he's home he's in Dad mode. Never complains, never moans, is never incompetent.

SnowSwan · 12/12/2023 12:12

For me, I would say it is my attitude to it and general self-awareness. I didn't go into it naively, I knew it was going to be hard. I didn't rush in to having children for that reason. I was actually the last of my friendship group to have children. When I finally did, none of it was a surprise to me.

I put great value in my relationship with my husband. I didn't/don't sacrifice it to the altar of motherhood. I know my children won't be with me forever, but I hope he will be. He's my life partner (fingers crossed!). Same goes for friends. I never dropped them. I believe the effort you put into maintaining relationships is an investment for the future.

I also don't pay attention to other people's expectations of me and I don't care about their judgement. I don't look to others to find a standard I should follow. Basically, I don't care about how other people parent their children, and I don't care about what they think of my parenting. I don't feel that pressure to do things "perfectly" that a lot of people seem to feel. I've never twisted myself into knots about Christmas, for example. It's very freeing.

MacarenaMacarena · 12/12/2023 13:24

Having a great husband (or partner) who takes fatherhood seriously.
Please let this be your gold standard!

Stressedoutforever · 12/12/2023 13:30

Great support network (pre baby friends, post baby friends, family)
Hands on husband who does his share
Limited money issues, not endless amounts but no concern about when they outgrow shoes
Good and local nursery
Part time work, I do 2 days a week term time but I suppose this links back to money too

violetcuriosity · 12/12/2023 13:31

A partner that enjoys parenting and wants to be involved. Retired parents who live close by for company. Being within walking distance of town and coffee shops. Good natured and content babies.

I did it the opposite way with my first, living in a crap part of London without my family and a partner who felt the baby had been forced upon him. I honestly look back and wonder how I did it.

fpqand · 12/12/2023 13:32

Accepting the kind of mother I am. You won't find me on my knees playing trains, making home made playdough or reading stories in funny voices...that just isn't me. That doesn't make me a bad mum, or my kids unlucky, I have lots of traits that make me a brilliant mum, so I stopped feeling guilty for not being the kind of mum I thought I was supposed to be and just let myself be me. Takes the pressure off! Parents are people too.

Kathryn1983 · 12/12/2023 21:46

Flexible work makes full time work even thinkable for a dual income family

having free childcare from family (or having good childcare that you can afford ) I lack this so I see how it makes life much easier for friends of mine!

having a wealthy partner so one can stay home or work less for sure when they're little!

temperament of the child is a huge factor! Also your own goal posts for behavior from kids and your own patience

having a naturally good eater and or sleeper helps too (again temperament)

splitting duties with partner and being on the same page about boundaries and rules and discipline

not having pets lol I know some love them but I also know loads who find it an added stressor

TrashedSofa · 12/12/2023 21:56

My support network.

Abbyant · 12/12/2023 22:07

I was 25 and a carer, dp was 27 and a maths teacher, we’d been dating for 3 months when I fell pregnant. Dd had colic but would also sleep through from 3 weeks. Ds came along when dd was 2 and a half, ds was such an easy baby no problems with him until now as he approached 2 we can see he’s going to be a handful. We are lucky that we have a village, my parents and siblings live across the road so any childcare help we need is right there. I’m a student nurse now and dp works for the HMRC so we can be pretty flexible around childcare.

SocialistSally · 12/12/2023 22:09

Alcohol.

And friends who o could be totally honest with about how shit it was.