What has made motherhood easier for you?

[daisidoo]

Was it staying at home, working part time, always working full time? Support network, area you live in, temperament of child, having an only child? Your attitude and personality? Having kids young while you have energy or having fun first before settling down? A combination of any of the above, or something else entirely?

Just interested as it seems some folk have a very easy breezy carry-on and adapt quickly while others seem to seriously struggle and complain their lives have altered for the worse.

I know that no two experiences are identical but wonder what helps and what doesn’t iyswim 😀

What made it easier:
Only having one child
Child being a pretty easy baby
A self-employed DH who could take big chunks of time off and share the load genuinely 50-50
Taking it in turns to have a lie-in every single day
Being completely sick of my pre-kids job and wanting an opportunity to explore going freelance myself
The fact I genuinely quite enjoying watching cartoons at 6am on no sleep
Being able to afford a cleaner and having a small enough mortgage that we could prioritising this spend over other treats (our household income is bang on the national average)

What would have made it even easier:
More money
More childcare
Grandparent support

Mine are both under school age, but so far:

-being able to be a SAHM for as long as I want
-Splitting everything child or housework related 50/50 as soon as my DH finishes work
-having a group of mum friends
-being able to afford to pay for groups and activities as well as relying on the local library/park/church

So a support network and money I guess (though we’re not rich).

I also just enjoy looking after small children far more than I ever imagined I would. I think that when I do go back to work, I might retrain in something child related.

Supportive partner. By about 1000 times.

I agree with this.

Also having a local hands on grandparent.

My job is demanding but has flex so I can start late / finish early.

That's interesting. I'm introverted and definitely preferred to do that, but DH was out of the house for long hours for a chunk of time and when the kids were older we moved somewhere where I made a small group of casual but lovely friends and looking back, realised how lonely I'd been on mat leave and how that had made the days seem so long! (For better or worse!) But I wouldn't have liked family staying for days on end either.

I guess when dc1 was young I couldn't really just 'cuddle' or leave them while I did something for myself, unless they were asleep. With friends and other kids it helps so much to entertain them.

Having my ds in my 40s. It meant my career was established, I had a secure home and I was confident and fairly self-sufficient.

It meant when my charming employer fired me made me redundant first morning back after maternity leave, I knew how to fight back.

It meant I could move home to secure a new job and buy another house without struggling when paying child care.

It meant I have coped fine since ex decided having a child was too much trouble.

If I'd been 20, I suspect I wouldn't have coped nearly as well, and certainly would have struggled with the costs.

Oh, and having a fabulously kind and experienced childminder who supported me through a couple of crises.

Having only one child.

DH being a solid, reliable, loving husband and father.

My parents providing lots of childcare and support. My DM used to come round every day when DD was a newborn. She'd wash dishes, make me lunch and send me upstairs to take a nap whilst she looked after the baby for a couple of hours. She was an absolute god send.

Also living in the North with affordable housing and lots of countryside on hand for nature therapy.

"Just interested as it seems some folk have a very easy breezy carry-on and adapt quickly while others seem to seriously struggle and complain their lives have altered for the worse. "

Have you got kids op? My second was much, much harder than my first as a baby. I really was on the edge mentally and physically for about a year. None of the factors in your opening post would've made any difference, it's just luck of the draw / the way babies and kids 'are'.

To try to answer your question though:
-Mum friends. I have zero family support and honestly my friends are incredible.
-Having own home first. Some of my eldest's friends are In rented housing and I'd find that so stressful.
-Having my first in my twenties. More energy for me personally.

• supportive dh
• living near a decent school and nursery
• stopping at 2. There is no way I would survive 3, I love my children dearly and they are the best thing that ever happened to me but I would not cope with more than 2.

That's just me personally, all of the above might be opposite for others.

My own supportive mum
A hands on dh
My personality (organised but fairly optimistic and positive)
Money (to buy decent childcare, go part time, decent home)
Area we live (London- great community and lots to do locally)
My childfree friends and job I like which keep me connected to my non parent self.

In that order 😊I have three and really love it. We’re 9 years in so we’ve weathered a decent spectrum of parenting and generally enjoyed every stage.

Having a garden. I didn't realise the difference it would make until we moved house.

Realising that what my kids think they enjoy (a day in their pjs playing on iPads) isn't actually what makes them happy. Getting out for a muddy walk brings them more joy than 100 hours of screen time even if they do protest on the way there.

Not working 5 days a week. This has changed recently due to finances - ie I've temporarily had to go back full time and it's made a huge difference to the sense of balance in our home and had a big impact on how we spend our weekends.

So many good ones on here!
Yes, our garden!
We also live near lots of countryside and the beach which is really fortunate

Super supportive, hands on husband. Enough money.

Oh and I'm a big believer in doing what ever gets you through the day or night. I don't make things hard for myself or feel guilt for not being perfect. I think that attitude makes things a bit easier.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was told not to worry about creating bad habits. I think the saying was bad habits take a few days to fix but broken mums take a lot longer. It's the only bit of advice I've really held on to.

For me...

One child
Money to pay for nursery, cleaner, days out etc
A husband who does 50/50 and enables me to pursue hobbies and vice versa.
We don't have loads of family support but money again for babysitter.

Age - we were 41 and 46 and although had zero experience of children we have felt able to completely trust our instincts with none of the self doubt you often see on here.

Our marriage- we have no family or outside help but we are a committed team. I did co sleeping and extended BF, but apart from
that we have been solidly 50/50.

Covid - although it fucked my mat leave it actually benefited us hugely. I didn’t have to leave DD for as long as early as originally planned (as we were in lockdown when I was due back to office) and DH changed careers to WFH full time and I went down to 4 days, 2 WFH so the lack of commute time is massive for us long term.

I have found the first 5 months of DC2 exponentially easier than the DC1. I’ve actually enjoyed it and I can now understand why people like babies, where as every day with DC1 was a monumental struggle. In order of why I think:

1. No global pandemic and lock down. I get out to cafes and baby groups and to friends houses which makes the time go so much faster.
2. DC2 is an easier child with a much more relaxed temperament. It’s so much easier to ‘get it right’ with him and, on the occasions I don’t get it right, it’s a lot easier to fix.
3. Im more relaxed and less of a perfectionist. Even if DC2 had been as highly strung and demanding as DC1 I still think I would have found it easier.
4. I now know that everything passes and that every phase ends

So really, a combination of circumstances, baby’s temperament and my confidence.

I enjoyed DC1 lots when he wasn’t a baby and I was working part time. I need the mental stimulation and challenge of my job or I go bonkers. I like having a child to talk to as opposed to a baby to take care of. Some people love being home with babies. Everyone is different.

A few things;

• a hands on DH who happily shared parenting duties

• GPs who wanted to be involved with their first grandchildren and looked after them when I went back to work

• a flexible workplace who let me go from FT to mornings only and bring the baby in with me.

But the absolute top would be a compliant easygoing baby who slept through from 10 weeks and loved a routine (hence why I could work with her).

Money. Not loads, but enough to not think twice about paying for coffee and cake or new shoes for the children.

A set of grandparents nearby. I appreciate how lucky we are to have that.

Having night expectations of my children's behaviour from toddlerhood. This has paid dividends now they're early primary age. I'm honestly quite gobsmacked at how people allow their children to talk to them and act. I think it must make life so much more stressful. (Obviously more difficult if not impossible for children with SEND).

Family support all day long.
Good income.
One child.

Supportive DH
Local, helpful family...especially DM
Feeling like I am part of a 'village' (actually live in a city but got really lucky with a lovely school and church community)
Excellent nursery

Would love a garden though!

Wine

For me, (admittedly at only 8 days in) absolutely the opposite.

I am enjoying my time with my baby, my husband and my cat. Occasional visitors are fine, but I'm loving our peaceful little routine, and don't need any support - not at the expense of chill time.

Good quality, reliable childcare (no family nearby who can help out.)

A second car

Mum friends - having a network of people with kids a similar age.

A child-friendly garden.