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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Fivepigeons · 11/12/2023 04:47

I think I'd just let him meet her for a coffee. You say you know he wouldn't cheat..
I think it's kind of unreasonable to ban someone from meeting anyone for a coffee tbh
If my DH told me I couldn't go for a coffee with someone I'd be livid tbh. I mean I wouldn't ask in the first place, I'd just tell him.
Who knows what motivations she has? But if you trust his I don't think it's an issue.
I occasionally meet up with an ex from my early 20s whenever I'm near his hometown.. probably once every couple of years. Because we are also friends.
I wouldn't think anything of my DH doing the same.
The only issue I'd have is if it were one of his exes who had form for being an utter nutcase.. but I seriously doubt he would ever want to nurture a friendship with her after the things she did anyway.

Lurkingandlearning · 11/12/2023 04:56

I think, sadly, as he told you he wasn’t going to meet up with her and is now sneakily going back on that, you can’t really be sure what he will do because he is already being dishonest

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:57

Thank you Fivepidgeons, I felt like that too at first, but now I'm thinking although he wouldn't cheat, if there was still a spark and we were going through a rough patch, he'd have a plan b.. men don't usually leave unless there's a possibility out there.

I realise this makes me sound like an insecure nutter which I probably am.. these things do happen though and I just have a bad feeling about it as they were together for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:59

Lurkingandlearning exactly.. I just feel crushed. There's no way I'm not telling him I know.

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 05:04

I might be okay with it if it were an old female friend, but this is an ex. I'm in the camp of "it's just not necessary, so why do it" especially behind your back.

If I reverse the situation to play devil's advocate, would I want to meet up with an old flame if I were married? Not with anyone I had been serious with, I don't think. And if I loved an respected my partner/husband, not doing so wouldn't be a big deal. It's not like a partner banning contact with someone who's already a friend. It's re-establishing a connection which isn't necessary.

So what I want to know is, what does your DH do when you tell him you've discovered his texts and that you want him to cease contact?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 05:12

Firefly2009 he has a few female friends from childhood, meets them regularly on his own and I'm happy he's kept those friendships. He knows I'm not jealous by nature.

My gut is telling me what you're saying.. and it's what my friends said when he mentioned it last time. I'll let you know what dh says when I tell him.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 11/12/2023 05:56

I would really hate that sneakiness. How can he think you would be okay with that?

Mangotango39 · 11/12/2023 06:27

I don't find this ok at all?!
it's not like you were saying no to a friend. It's an ex. What is the point?
I seriously would not be happy and especially not now he's been sneaky anyway!

TrifleLayer · 11/12/2023 06:41

You can catch up by messaging. I would not be happy.
SIL had a msg from an ex but he was also going on about how unhappy his marriage was.

Peablockfeathers · 11/12/2023 06:45

I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat

Sadly you don't.

I think it's kind of unreasonable to ban someone from meeting anyone for a coffee tbh. If my DH told me I couldn't go for a coffee with someone I'd be livid tbh. I mean I wouldn't ask in the first place, I'd just tell him.

I don't know, I'd expect DH to be upset if I was meeting an ex who I had mentioned over the years and who was recently single behind his back after he expressed he'd be uncomfortable with it. I wouldn't do this though out of respect for him. He'd never ever have an issue with me meeting with friends- male or female or anything like that, but this is disrespectful imo.

jemenfous37 · 11/12/2023 06:52

@Fivepigeons You would 'let him...'
If a bloke wrote here that he would 'let his' wife do something, the entire MN site would be in meltdown

OP. You trust your DH. Don't let your 'girlfriend's' comments/opinions sway you; their reasons to not let their partners meet an ex are theirs alone

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2023 06:52

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. I'd think what do you need to do this for? Why bring an ex gf from your past into your present? For one coffee? Or regular meet ups? It wouldn't work for me.

Eekmystro · 11/12/2023 06:55

Why is he meeting her? what explanation has he given for friending her on Facebook and reigniting contact. If they had a shared hobby or were part of the same friendship group I could understand, but if not then clearly it’s a little concerning to be reigniting contact with an ex partner.

You know about the coffee from seeing the text. Has he told you he’s meeting her?

DottyPencil · 11/12/2023 06:58

Say nothing. If you ask him about it now, he'll say he was going to tell you.
After they meet, see if he lies to you about what he was doing that day.
If he lies, you have a big problem.

malificent7 · 11/12/2023 07:01

He likes the attention.
I wouldn't be thrilled. But then I'm one of those people who parks my exes in the past as I like boundaries and feel that life is messy enough as it is without bringing exes into the mix.

dooneyousmugelf · 11/12/2023 07:30

YANBU. He wants her in his life....why? What's his plan if he's being honest with himself? Meet for one coffee and then never speak to her again? Hardly! Slippery little snake.

MsDogLady · 11/12/2023 07:50

@Ibizafun, he’s been quite devious to reach out to his Ex and suggest meeting up after agreeing not to. Seeing her is clearly his priority. I would feel both hurt and angry at his duplicity, and I would be getting to the bottom of his sneaky agenda.

Pigeonqueen · 11/12/2023 07:55

I haven’t read the replies but this is how my now ex dh ended up leaving me. Met up with his ex before me through Facebook, upped and left within 2 weeks of meeting her and never to be seen again. We’d been together 6 years at that point.

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 07:56

Personally I just don't see why someone would want to catch up with an ex unless it was because they wanted them as either they're side thing or a potential date after your relationship ends... I certainly wouldn't meet an ex whilst I have my husband :S it's different if they were friends for years and years at some point and only want to catch up as friends but not an ex

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 07:57

Also not sure why they can't just catch up over Facebook -_-

NextPrimeMinister · 11/12/2023 08:01

Some of the replies on here!

Your DH is a fully grown human who can meet up with who he likes.

You can't 'tell' him who he can and can't meet.

If you are worried this meet up may be the start of something, then I assume you've also banned him from speaking to any female that crosses his path?

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 11/12/2023 08:09

I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat

Yet you want to control who he meets (based on consultations with your friends)

Are snooping in his phone.

Are livid about him doing something you were fine with (till your friends told you not to)

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't the relationship is over.

RedheadRedBed · 11/12/2023 08:10

He doesn't need to meet her for coffee to see how her life has turned out . That's what social media is for. He's hoping for more than just coffee in my opinion.

Catza · 11/12/2023 08:25

You were initially fine with him doing it but then let your friends change your mind. If you think it is OK for your friends to influence your opinion of your husband, I don’t see it as a very strong and trusting relationship. Snooping on his phone is also very disrespectful. If my partner did either of these things, we would have a serious conversation about that.
Of course he should be free to have a coffee with a friend.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/12/2023 08:25

I'd be extremely concerned that he's sneaking around trying to connect with an old flame.

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