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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 12/12/2023 12:49

@Ibizafun I was the ex-girlfriend.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 12/12/2023 23:22

Oh.. ok. He's apologised again, says they send the same text every year saying they must catch up. He's blocked her and won't be getting in touch again.

She's twice divorced and I jokingly told dh she's on the market for settlement no 3, as done v well from her two previous.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 12/12/2023 23:31

Think you’ve got that the wrong way round, she’s probably wealthier than he is. She certainly won’t have any trouble finding no 3. What a thing to be proud of - smashing a 30 year friendship.

Mirabai · 12/12/2023 23:33

I understand your concerns but I’m not sure why you’ve banned him from seeing her and made her block him. It seems a bit extreme.

Holdingsteady · 12/12/2023 23:57

Mirabai · 12/12/2023 23:33

I understand your concerns but I’m not sure why you’ve banned him from seeing her and made her block him. It seems a bit extreme.

Then you clearly don't understand her concerns. He has intimate knowledge of this woman, memories of dating and sleeping with her. Why would you think inviting this into a marriage is a good thing?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 00:11

Blossomtoes there is no ‘friendship’ to be smashed.. they haven’t spoken in 30 years. She’s in her 50’s now so won’t find it so easy this time round. I very much doubt she’s wealthier than dh but with her settlements who knows? Or cares.

Holdingsteady exactly.. even though at the risk of sounding naive dh wouldn’t sleep with her, dh has plenty of friends, we both do, we have a lovely life together and marriage has enough ups and downs without courting problems.

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 13/12/2023 01:02

This is super weird. She might be an oddball looking for a successful man. She might not. They've not really known each other in 30 years.

Your DH could just bat it away ofc. No need for any drama. DH and I bat away random 'lets catch up from uni / previous work / school / whatever' all the time if we're not interested. Why is this any different?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 01:56

It's not.. just wanted to make sure he batted it away.

OP posts:
Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 02:59

So for several years they have been sending each other "Happy birthday, we must catch up sometime for a coffee" messages. Last year your DH told you he would like to meet up and you thought that was fine until your friends persuaded you otherwise so DH agreed not to. This year, on her birthday, he sent the usual message. There is nothing to suggest he had any more intention to see her than in previous years. Did you think that agreeing not to meet up also meant never being in contact again? Otherwise, I don't understand why you are feeling so betrayed.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 13/12/2023 04:21

A few years ago I had contact with an ex on social media. He was a big part of my life once, I loved him so much. First love. I was genuinely thrilled to have contact with him but the past was the past & I adore my husband. Nonetheless, I really wanted to meet him to see how he was. I didn’t because I felt that a married woman shouldn’t do that even though I had no ulterior motive. My husband knew we’d messaged each other. Deep down I was desperate to give him a hug and have a pint/catch but I didn’t. He jumped off a bridge a few months later and that was that. Just saying, sometimes you want to meet for genuine reasons, not always a sexual motive. Life is short. See how honest he is with you first.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 18:21

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 13/12/2023 04:21

A few years ago I had contact with an ex on social media. He was a big part of my life once, I loved him so much. First love. I was genuinely thrilled to have contact with him but the past was the past & I adore my husband. Nonetheless, I really wanted to meet him to see how he was. I didn’t because I felt that a married woman shouldn’t do that even though I had no ulterior motive. My husband knew we’d messaged each other. Deep down I was desperate to give him a hug and have a pint/catch but I didn’t. He jumped off a bridge a few months later and that was that. Just saying, sometimes you want to meet for genuine reasons, not always a sexual motive. Life is short. See how honest he is with you first.

That is truly horrendous, I am so very sorry. Just awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 18:33

"Did you think that agreeing not to meet up also meant never being in contact again? Otherwise, I don't understand why you are feeling so betrayed."

I didn't have a problem with sending birthday texts, but we did agree that he wouldn't bring her into our lives as it was a long serious relationship and I don't feel comfortable with it. He mentioned he'd sent her a birthday message but didn't mention he'd asked to meet her after agreeing not to. He's explained they say this every year just banter.. not sure about that as I know he'd love to. I know he's not looking for an affair but don't want to risk him getting too close to her.

OP posts:
Circularargument · 13/12/2023 18:53

dooneyousmugelf · 11/12/2023 07:30

YANBU. He wants her in his life....why? What's his plan if he's being honest with himself? Meet for one coffee and then never speak to her again? Hardly! Slippery little snake.

Blimey. I'm in frequentish contact with several exs and have less than zero interest in getting back with any of them

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 19:30

But he's not friends with her!! Wants to get to know her again!!

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 13/12/2023 20:05

He's looking for an ego boost & attention from someone who isn't you. Probably harmless, but would give me the ick nonetheless

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 21:44

Holdingsteady · 12/12/2023 23:57

Then you clearly don't understand her concerns. He has intimate knowledge of this woman, memories of dating and sleeping with her. Why would you think inviting this into a marriage is a good thing?

Show quote history

I do understand her concerns, but I don’t share your terror of exes per se - I wouldn’t want to see any of mine, but equally I wouldn’t want to be banned from seeing them if I wanted to - I don’t think bans in relationships are particularly healthy or necessary.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 13/12/2023 21:49

savethatkitty · 13/12/2023 20:05

He's looking for an ego boost & attention from someone who isn't you. Probably harmless, but would give me the ick nonetheless

That is exactly it.

OP posts:
Holdingsteady · 13/12/2023 22:47

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 21:44

I do understand her concerns, but I don’t share your terror of exes per se - I wouldn’t want to see any of mine, but equally I wouldn’t want to be banned from seeing them if I wanted to - I don’t think bans in relationships are particularly healthy or necessary.

Show quote history

So, you have no desire to see any of your ex’s, that’s great, maybe they weren’t that special to you.

BUT, what if one of them was special? What if it was your first real love and you really wanted to meet them for a cosy coffee & cake, knowing your current partner was uncomfortable with this. Would you go anyway and say FU current partner, I will meet who I like because it’s my right to do so?

If digging your heels in, because it’s no big deal to you, is more important than causing upset to your current relationship, then fill your boots.

If my partner insisted on doing this (he wouldn’t because he’s not a dick) I would be seriously considering the future of our relationship.

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 22:53

He hasn’t insisted and he doesn’t sound particularly invested, we don’t even know that she was “special”. I’m not so insecure that I think that a partner would leave me just for clapping eyes on a an ex.

Holdingsteady · 13/12/2023 23:10

Mirabai, I agree he hasn’t insisted and that is great. He is putting his wife first, as he should.

Also, no we don’t know if this ex was special, but, having kept in contact (even if it’s only occasional) for thirty years I would guess she was a bit more special than any other ex’s that don’t keep in touch.

If he did insist on meeting his ex regardless of his wife’s discomfort then that is a massive red flag.

Thankfully this is not the case

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 23:50

They only got back in contact a few years back. To be in renewed contact they don’t need to be “special” merely friendly.

My parents have been friends with my dad’s ex gf for 50 years.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 01:02

She was certainly very special at the time, the relationship lasted a few years and he was very hurt when she ended it. Thank you again for taking the time to give me your opinions.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 14/12/2023 01:10

Just reverse it and ask him how he would feel if you felt the need to meet up with an ex.

I think you would find the answer rather disturbing. No, you can't but I can.

I wouldn't put up with it frankly.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2023 03:28

@Ibizafun, their yearly ‘let’s catch up’ was essentially lip-service … until he took action and expressed to you that he’d like to meet up with her. Was he aware that she’d become single when he approached you about seeing her?

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 03:35

Yes he knew she was single but I don't think he had sinister motives.

OP posts: