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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Ariela · 11/12/2023 08:40

I'd invite her over for lunch or dinner, and do you happen to have a single unattached male friend to make up the numbers?

BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 08:49

I think it’s really telling that you were fine with this until your friends sowed seeds of doubt. Your gut didn’t ring any alarms and I’m a great believer in listening to your gut. You trust him and have zero reason not to. I’d revert to your original stance before your friends changed your mind.

ModestMoon · 11/12/2023 08:55

I think since your first instinct was that it's ok, I'd be tempted to let him. If you're worried about a spark then that'll just intensify if they're barred from seeing one another.

KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 09:41

You were fine with it until your friends told you not to be? That's pathetic.
Stop trying to control him, and stop letting your friends control you.

Peablockfeathers · 11/12/2023 10:02

NextPrimeMinister · 11/12/2023 08:01

Some of the replies on here!

Your DH is a fully grown human who can meet up with who he likes.

You can't 'tell' him who he can and can't meet.

If you are worried this meet up may be the start of something, then I assume you've also banned him from speaking to any female that crosses his path?

Of course you can't control another adult, I suppose the hope is in a respectful relationship that the other wouldn't feel the need to 'reconnect' with a newly single ex over coffee. It's not about not 'letting' someone see any woman, ever. The DH can do as he pleases, just as OP can feel how she feels.

Pigeonqueen · 11/12/2023 10:16

NextPrimeMinister · 11/12/2023 08:01

Some of the replies on here!

Your DH is a fully grown human who can meet up with who he likes.

You can't 'tell' him who he can and can't meet.

If you are worried this meet up may be the start of something, then I assume you've also banned him from speaking to any female that crosses his path?

You can’t be serious. Meeting up with an old flame is something entirely different.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 11/12/2023 10:22

Basically you're hurt because he is pursuing a meet up with her and you're worried he might fancy her and get a buzz from it.

I get that, I'd be hurt too. No real advice other than wait and see if he tells you and if he doesnt, conveniently bump into them and catch him out. Then you can address the lie at home and see where the conversation goes.

itsmyp4rty · 11/12/2023 11:10

For me the lie is the big thing here. You trusted him even if you ended up saying that you weren't comfortable with him meeting up with his single ex - but now he's lied about it which suggests your trust may have been misplaced.....

What a mess OP.

SallyWD · 11/12/2023 11:11

I'd just let him to be honest (not that my DH needs my permission). He clearly wants to meet up and is only sneaking about because you said no. He was completely open about it before.
I'd just keep an eye on things and check that they were remaining strictly friends only.

Decembernights · 11/12/2023 11:16

I would not be happy.

bluegreygreen · 11/12/2023 11:34

OP I think you are unreasonable in that you were happy enough for him to meet up with his ex until your friends objected. Snooping on phones is also not good.

However, I think he should have told you he was planning to meet up.

Anyfeckinusername · 11/12/2023 11:36

I would also be unhappy about it but I don't think that makes it right. As a previous poster said, I don't think it's fair to think of people in terms of granting or denying permission to meet people.

If your DH is ever going to cheat, he just will. Stopping a coffee meet up isn't going to stop something that is human nature and wrapped up in values more than opportunity.

AgnesX · 11/12/2023 11:45

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 07:57

Also not sure why they can't just catch up over Facebook -_-

Exactly, they don't need to meet. I can't see why he would really want to. Most ex's are ex's for a reason. Unless he's looking to get the thrill of a date (yuk).

Mirabai · 11/12/2023 11:56

Men and women can certainly be just friends.

But I really couldn’t be arsed to meet up with any of my exes + can’t imagine wanting to unless I still had a soft spot, to see if there was still a spark etc. So I’d question his motives. I wouldn’t stop him from going though.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/12/2023 12:08

if he's thinking of starting something up with this woman or leaving you - he will do it anyway! so whether you say no to the coffee or it's fine you don't mind - i think it will happen anyway!

you telling him no he can't go just makes you look controlling and is more likely to push him away.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/12/2023 12:16

AgnesX · 11/12/2023 11:45

Exactly, they don't need to meet. I can't see why he would really want to. Most ex's are ex's for a reason. Unless he's looking to get the thrill of a date (yuk).

Show quote history

if this is the case and it's what he's after - then whats the point in the OP trying to stop it - i'd just let him go and end the relationship!

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 12:25

NextPrimeMinister · 11/12/2023 08:01

Some of the replies on here!

Your DH is a fully grown human who can meet up with who he likes.

You can't 'tell' him who he can and can't meet.

If you are worried this meet up may be the start of something, then I assume you've also banned him from speaking to any female that crosses his path?

If you read my post up thread, you'd have seen that my dh has female friends and I have zero problem with him seeing them on his own. This is someone he had a long relationship with, she was never just a friend.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 11/12/2023 12:27

Presumably he wouldn't mind if you met up with your ex out of curiosiry and whatever else? Your H doesnt respect your relationship. I still see a couple of my exes round and about we're friendly. But I have zero interest in meeting up with them. They aren't necessary to my life. Can't stand weak immature people who can't let go of the past and just live in or deal with the present moment, instead they're chasing an old dream, coming up with a load of dry excuses and expecting partner to put up with it. No thanks, go be single then see who you like. & don't complain if you're dumped.

ManateeFair · 11/12/2023 12:30

Personally, I think you were massively unreasonable to tell him he couldn't meet her for a coffee in the first place. What's it got to do with your friends?

sweetpickle23 · 11/12/2023 12:33

Agree with @ManateeFair Why did you tell him he couldn't meet her in the first place if you were initially fine with it? Do you normally let your friends dictate how you should feel?

FreshWinterMorning · 11/12/2023 12:34

I would not like this at all ... YANBU @Ibizafun but I'm afraid you are very naïve if you think 'there is no way he would cheat.' I'm afraid it's very likely he will. WHY does he want to meet his ex FFS? His 'ex' who cheated on him. Very bizarre. I think he still has a flame burning for her. No way would my DH ever see an ex. He wants fuck-all to do with them LOL!

Sounds like he and she have been in contact for a long time - probably a couple of years. Probably already done the deed.

You have my sympathy. Sorry. Flowers

betterangels · 11/12/2023 12:39

sweetpickle23 · 11/12/2023 12:33

Agree with @ManateeFair Why did you tell him he couldn't meet her in the first place if you were initially fine with it? Do you normally let your friends dictate how you should feel?

This is how I feel as well. Your friends will have their own reasons for how they feel. Perhaps they're married to men they don't trust. Don't let them influence you too much. They don't live your life.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 12:39

Some very mixed views here confusing me even more. He's told me in the past he'd have no problem with me meeting an ex for a drink.

If I had to guess, I'd guess it was an ego thing with dh. I checked her out on FB and she's put up a photo where she looks stunning. Dh has made something of his life and there may be a bit of "see what you've missed" element in it. (She finished it but then wanted him back and he wouldn't as she'd hurt him).

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 11/12/2023 12:42

I think he still has feelings for her based on their relationship as it was back in the day. Happy memories.

But they are both different people now and meeting her will make him and her either see those differences and realise they would never get on well now or sadly there will be a spark and they develop deeper feelings.

happinessischocolate · 11/12/2023 12:43

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 07:57

Also not sure why they can't just catch up over Facebook -_-

Same.

I've caught up with several old boyfriends from my teens and early 20s on fb.

You message each other, discuss how everyone is, mum, dad, siblings, dogs, comment on some of their recent photos and wish them well.

I would only want to meet (and have) if there was a desire to reconnect.

But your DH is a grown adult and can do what he likes, as can you.......