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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 12:45

FreshWinterMorning · 11/12/2023 12:34

I would not like this at all ... YANBU @Ibizafun but I'm afraid you are very naïve if you think 'there is no way he would cheat.' I'm afraid it's very likely he will. WHY does he want to meet his ex FFS? His 'ex' who cheated on him. Very bizarre. I think he still has a flame burning for her. No way would my DH ever see an ex. He wants fuck-all to do with them LOL!

Sounds like he and she have been in contact for a long time - probably a couple of years. Probably already done the deed.

You have my sympathy. Sorry. Flowers

They most certainly have NOT done the deed! He has not met up with her, hence the wording on the message I found saying let's meet up lots to catch up on!

I know he has been dishonest and I still
don't know for sure if he's planning on telling me if they actually make a date to meet up. But despite the fact I know he'd never have a actual affair, he may well find that spark again and I don't need that threatening our life together. I'm afraid my friends were right.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 12:48

Think about why he’s been dishonest @Ibizafun. If you’d gone with your gut instead of your friends he wouldn’t have been. Just talk to him, ffs.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 12:50

Were away on a different time zone, I'll be speaking to him this morning

OP posts:
RealBigBarbie · 11/12/2023 12:55

I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat

Well no, you don’t know that do you. No one knows that about anyone!

<completely misses the point of the thread>

Thehop · 11/12/2023 12:57

There's only one reason a married man makes secret plans to meet a beautiful ex. And it ain't to see how their life turned out, especially if they're on social media and can see perfectly well how their life turned out.

femal friends? Fine and dandy

this? Absolutely bloody not

Nicole1111 · 11/12/2023 13:00

I completely get why you’re feeling insecure. Perhaps there is nothing other than curiosity in his wish to see this woman but when he makes arrangements secretly it makes it look suspicious and like he has questionable motives.

Parentofeanda · 11/12/2023 13:07

also can i just say you never know if they will cheat or not. My friends Fiance didnt believe in sex before marriage... Went of and had an affair ... We were shocked!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 11/12/2023 13:08

I see the cool wives club have come out this morning 🙄.

No fucking way would I be ok with this and I’d be seriously pissed off my husband has even suggested it. Female friends fine, but this is not a friend, this is an ex he’s looking to reconnect with. My husband is as laid back as they come but he’d go nuts if I told him I was arrange a solo coffee date with an ex, which I would never do as it’s just not appropriate and I wouldn’t do anything to put my marriage at risk.

You say you know he’d never cheat but to me it looks like he’s laying the groundwork to see if wants to restart something with her.

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2023 13:18

So he said he wouldn’t meet up with her, but now he’s invited her? That’s what would piss me off, the barefaced lying. Maybe he does just want to catch up in a friendly way, but he shouldn’t be lying to you.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 13:51

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 05:12

Firefly2009 he has a few female friends from childhood, meets them regularly on his own and I'm happy he's kept those friendships. He knows I'm not jealous by nature.

My gut is telling me what you're saying.. and it's what my friends said when he mentioned it last time. I'll let you know what dh says when I tell him.

@Ibizafun I hope it goes okay 🙏

Dontbeme · 11/12/2023 13:56

The lying would get to me, you write that your ex husband cheated and that your DH ex wife cheated too, considering all that you would think he would stop and ponder how this looks and feels to you. Did you feel pressured to agree to this meeting initially OP, then when chatting to friends second thoughts occurred. I wonder if your past with a cheating husband is making you doubt your own gut instinct and you need others to validate your own feelings.

MeanWeedratStew · 11/12/2023 14:41

Yeah… my mum also “knew for a fact” that my dad wouldn’t cheat.

It turned out he had four side pieces (that we know of) throughout their marriage.

If your partner is going behind your back to meet up with his ex, and you still believe he’s some magically anointed non-cheating unicorn, then I just don’t know what to tell you.

Damnedidont · 11/12/2023 15:00

He lied to you. That's the bottom line. He flat out lied. No wonder you're uneasy. There's no innocent explanation for that

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 15:22

Here's the update.. confronted him this morning. He told me every happy birthday text there is banter too, saying they must catch up. He immediately gave me his phone, I read all messages (birthday) over last few years which backs that up. He then offered to block her on all social media, remove her from his phone and never contact her again, birthday or no birthday.

He said he never actually would have gone and met her. I said bollocks to that. I told her he's welcome to do whatever he likes if he's not with me but considering he knew how I felt, I'm beyond disappointed in him. My inkling is he would have told me before the meetup but who knows for sure.

To the ones saying all men cheat I disagree. My dad would never in a million years. Dh is god fearing, superstiious and wouldn't even sleep with me when his ex w had moved out and was with someone else, till his divorce came through. Nothing to do with unicorns, that's how I know.

However, that doesn't excuse lying and minimising and I'm beyond disappointed.

OP posts:
laclochette · 11/12/2023 15:42

I think it's admirable when people are friends with exes, a priori, and have had relationships where my partner was on good terms and had regular catch-ups with their exes. They told me about it, I didn't mind, and so it was. If I had said it bothered me, I'd have expected them to discuss that with me and ideally reach a compromise, perhaps seeing them as a couple for a bit first until I felt reassured etc.

The first issue here is that your DH has betrayed your trust by lying to you and going behind your back. The second is that you only know because of a little light snooping! As someone once said to me, It's never ok to snoop, until you find something that justifies it - it's a real moral catch 22! The third issue is that you've created this conundrum by listening to the views of others which don't align with your own - what your gfs are ok with is irrelevant: everyone has different boundaries and if you're ok with something, that's what matters, not what they think!

Given you don't have a time machine, all that can't be altered now.

I don't agree AT ALL with another poster who said see what happens after he meets her and if he tells you. He's almost certainly not telling you because he fears he'll anger you and doesn't want a confrontation, which is definitely cowardly, but not necessarily a sign that he's cheating or intends to cheat.

My hunch is that you won't be able to relax until you discuss this with him, it'll poison your mind with worry. So I would raise it with him and be honest. You could be entirely honest and say that were always on the fence about it, were swayed by some outside advice that you regret paying so much heed to, and would be up for reconsidering you stance following a discussion with him - but that you both need to be more honest in your approach to this from now on, including him bringing the issue up with you if he wants to renegotiate the agreement, instead of going behind your back.

laclochette · 11/12/2023 15:45

Oh - just saw your update OP! I have to say, his story sounds legit to me unless I'm missing something? Loads of us make casual statements about "oh we must meet up" that we never mean to follow up on, it's a kind of social niceity, and he's let you read all their messages and offered to go cold turkey on her. What is it about how it unfolded that leaves you so angry and upset still?

KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 16:09

Having read your update, you're overreacting. If you had gone with your initial instincts and said nothing, nothing would have happened! You said there's years of messages saying 'we must meet up' that have never been acted on. But you listened to your friends instead of trusting your husband. So now you're pissed off and he feels spied upon. The only person that has damaged this marriage is you.

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 16:20

You are very controlling. Going through his phone. Him feeling he hasn’t t show you all his texts to prove he isn’t cheating, telling him he isn’t allowed to catch up with her.

If my husband acted like you he would be gone. I have met up with an ex. We were great friends for years and just because we weren’t compatible as life partners doesn’t mean I would never speak to him again. And if my husband controlled who I could see, read my phone, monitored my texts, demanded explanations, and made me tipntoe about explaining myself and showing him my phone…I would be long gone.

Many on here will validate you and will say it is fine because you are a woman’s so you can be as controlling as you want and he just needs to shut up and take it and do as he is told but that doesn’t make it right.

girlfriend44 · 11/12/2023 16:22

if theres no problem, he wont mind you going along as well will he?

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 16:23

girlfriend44 · 11/12/2023 16:22

if theres no problem, he wont mind you going along as well will he?

Does your husband chaperone all your outings with friends?

sadsack78 · 11/12/2023 16:53

It is a bit weird that he is sniffing round her now she is newly single, after years of of not being in touchConfused

have you met her before? has he been in touch with her during your relationship, even if it's been a long time since they spoke? If so, that is different to him meeting someone you've never seen in your life.

That said, men can be mindblowingly stupid and thoughtless about this shit and have no intention to cheat, and therefore no idea why it might upset you or seem suspect from the outside.

sadsack78 · 11/12/2023 17:04

just read your update- it sounds like he is trying very hard to make you feel safe, and i don't think you have any reason to worry. It does sound like the 'must catch up' is just a natural way of trying write something polite and social other than just saying 'happy birthday' and nothing else.

I think you will both learn from this- i think most people's relationships have these moments where you learn how the other person thinks and operates and how to best handle it for both of you.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 17:19

Thank you laclochette. The reason I’m upset is because I know for a fact he DID want to meet up with her, and offered to despite knowing my feelings on the matter and furthermore not telling me. He did say it was just banter.
Saffron soup I clicked on a message that came up in front of me because I could see who it was from. I did not go through his phone. As I said earlier I am fully aware he wouldn’t have an affair but of course I bloody have the right to know if he plans to meet up with an ex he hasn’t seen for 30 years. If his wife ffs and if that makes me ‘controlling’ so be it!!

Sadsack78 thank you for your wise words. He had told me unequivocally he will block her online and never contact her as his marriage is everything to him and the last thing he wants t do is upset me.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 17:34

I’m afraid I agree with @saffronsoup and @KrisAkabusi. If my husband did what you have it would cause irreparable damage to our marriage.

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 17:41

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 17:19

Thank you laclochette. The reason I’m upset is because I know for a fact he DID want to meet up with her, and offered to despite knowing my feelings on the matter and furthermore not telling me. He did say it was just banter.
Saffron soup I clicked on a message that came up in front of me because I could see who it was from. I did not go through his phone. As I said earlier I am fully aware he wouldn’t have an affair but of course I bloody have the right to know if he plans to meet up with an ex he hasn’t seen for 30 years. If his wife ffs and if that makes me ‘controlling’ so be it!!

Sadsack78 thank you for your wise words. He had told me unequivocally he will block her online and never contact her as his marriage is everything to him and the last thing he wants t do is upset me.

Then why are you so threatened by a once a year birthday message that he had to erase all signs of her or else?

You are controlling. You will get support on here to be as abusive or controlling as you want but it doesn’t change the facts. Your behaviour is controlling. He walks on eggshells and has to do as he is told by you or else. He has to show you all his messages on command and you look at his phone and messages. He has to delete contacts you tell him too. Hopefully he sees the light and realizes there is freedom out there where he can breathe and make his own choices and decisions but it is hard to leave abusive relationships.

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