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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 11/12/2023 17:48

I’m gobsmacked by this. One of my exs is adS2’s godfather! DH doesn’t blink. Others I’m in sporadic contact with. I’d meet up with any of them, tell DH I was going to and he might come along. When he does meet them (often at mutual friends’ parties) they mainly take the piss out of me very gently. I cannot imagine being in a relationship where DH in any way controlled who I met. If I wanted to cheat I’m sure I could…and I split up with all my exs for various valid reasons.

BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 17:48

Bit harsh @saffronsoup. It’s a bit controlling for sure but it’s not abusive.

KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 17:58

of course I bloody have the right to know if he plans to meet up with an ex he hasn’t seen for 30 years.

30 years! He hasn't seen her in 30 years! How insecure in your marriage are you?! You don't trust your husband to have a coffee with someone he hasn't seen in 30 years. By your own posts, he has done nothing in the 12 years you're together to give any indication that he cheats. But you forbid him from seeing someone he has had no interactions with other, than an annual Happy Birthday message? In 30 years! This is very controlling despite your denials of that.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 18:00

SaffronSoup maybe I'd also be abusive and controlling banning him from having an affair with her? Honestly I've taken onboard so much of the advice on here but yours is actually laughable so I'm just ignoring.

Dh told me in no uncertain terms he cherishes both me and our marriage and would not risk it for the world. I'm leaving it at that.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 18:06

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 18:00

SaffronSoup maybe I'd also be abusive and controlling banning him from having an affair with her? Honestly I've taken onboard so much of the advice on here but yours is actually laughable so I'm just ignoring.

Dh told me in no uncertain terms he cherishes both me and our marriage and would not risk it for the world. I'm leaving it at that.

You're not banning him from having an affair, you're invading his privacy and policing who he can talk to. That's controlling.

betterangels · 11/12/2023 18:10

KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 18:06

You're not banning him from having an affair, you're invading his privacy and policing who he can talk to. That's controlling.

Show quote history

Yes, it is. But she's a woman, so it won't matter here.

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 18:15

BIossomtoes · 11/12/2023 17:48

Bit harsh @saffronsoup. It’s a bit controlling for sure but it’s not abusive.

To me controlling is emotional abuse.

saffronsoup · 11/12/2023 18:21

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 18:00

SaffronSoup maybe I'd also be abusive and controlling banning him from having an affair with her? Honestly I've taken onboard so much of the advice on here but yours is actually laughable so I'm just ignoring.

Dh told me in no uncertain terms he cherishes both me and our marriage and would not risk it for the world. I'm leaving it at that.

I am not giving you advice. This is a woman he hasn’t seen in 30 years and they have had the same brief birthday exchange for years. Yet you are acting like you found condom wrappers, lingerie, and a love letter.

I mean he could tie you in the basement to keep you from having an affair even though you have never given him any reason to not trust you. Would it be right? In my view, no.

Like I said, yes you will get lots of support on here. Lots of posts name calling him and telling you that whatever you want to do is right and you can control him as much as you want. Of course you like those posts. Men can also find discussion boards and forums that encourage and support whatever way they want to control and treat women. Doesn’t make it right but yes, like them, you will get support to do anything you want to him.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 18:40

Safronsoup I don't want to do anything to him. I just want a husband I can trust to be honest.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 11/12/2023 18:42

You trusted him until your friends told you that you shouldn't. That's where all this went wrong.

Ginandpanic · 11/12/2023 18:42

A lovely friend of mine, who was a director in a company with her husband of 26 years, owned 3 properties together, two teenage children and a flourishing business, was very trusting and secure in her marriage when her ‘dh’ met up with his ex from 30 years ago, after reconnecting on fb.
They even socialised as a foursome.
He left her 3 months later, they were divorced within the year, and he has now married his ‘ex’ .
it does happen.

Diamonde · 11/12/2023 19:01

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 11/12/2023 08:09

I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat

Yet you want to control who he meets (based on consultations with your friends)

Are snooping in his phone.

Are livid about him doing something you were fine with (till your friends told you not to)

Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't the relationship is over.

Some serious mental gymnastics to blame op + most people aren't going to leave their husband because he did something they don't like

Diamonde · 11/12/2023 19:08

He walks on eggshells and has to do as he is told by you or else.

He walks on eggshells when he's doing things behind OP's back? Well colour me shocked

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 22:43

Exactly Diamonde I'm smiling at some of these replies and not taking them seriously!

Despite being extremely upset about not telling me about the meeting up "banter" generally he is one in a million.. kind, intelligent, generous.. he looks after everyone around him. I won't be letting him go any time soon.

OP posts:
Wellhellooooodear · 11/12/2023 22:46

It would be a no from me.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 11/12/2023 22:57

I'd be concerned as she's recently become single.

Now he's suggesting meeting up and she might take it meaning something else.

It seems you trust him so you're going to have to base your decision on the information you have. You've seen all the texts.

CornishGem1975 · 11/12/2023 23:12

I'd be suspicious OP as I've been in this exact situation.

LuluBlakey1 · 11/12/2023 23:30

I have a coffee or lunch with my ex regularly. We were together for years from school and split up in our mid-20s. We meet up if I'm working in town. I have known him since nursery school. He's part of my life.

His wife knows . DH knows. He has met him a number of times. He knows we are not and would not be having an affair. He thinks we are unhealthily 'tied together' but doesn't make a fuss.

We make each other laugh about old, shared jokes, gossip, talk about music, gigs we went to, films, old friends, politics, the community we grew up in, his mum and brother. I can talk about my parents with him because he knew them well. We know each other really well. He's married and has two boys- older than my DC. We never talk about his wife or DH - other than polite inquiries. We never ask his wife or DH to our meet-ups. Meet with a hug, part with a hug and kiss. I can go months without seeing him but he's a constant in my life and I wouldn't give him up.

He is the person- apart from DH- who would be there for me whatever, whenever if I needed him at all.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 23:50

CornishGem1975 · 11/12/2023 23:12

I'd be suspicious OP as I've been in this exact situation.

Thank you.. how did it pan out for you?

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 12/12/2023 01:20

No. I would not allow dh to go for coffee with an ex. In the same way I would never expect this to be ok for me either. It’s fanning the old flames , which really is unnecessary and can potentially put a happy relationship in trouble.
I accept there are a lot of MN saints out there that state you can’t tell DH not to do anything he wants to do, but in reality - no, I wouldn’t be happy and it wouldn’t be happening.

Museum10665 · 12/12/2023 01:36

seems an affair is in the planning or at least a close friendship

coldcallerbaiter · 12/12/2023 02:12

Just because he did the waiting til after decree divorce thing with you, does not mean he won’t do anything with her…..it is 2 different circumstances.

If you do not want him to do it, say so.

LorlieS · 12/12/2023 02:20

I'm still friends with an ex-boyfriend; we were each other's "firsts", we pretty much grew into adults together (met at 17/18 and together until 22/23) moved in together during uni etc. The split was pretty amicable - our lives were just going in different directions. We have always kept in touch.
We are now in our 40's and both happily married (to other people, obviously!)
He came over to mine for a catch-up last week as he was visiting his parents that still live here; it's always like talking to an old friend as we have so much shared experience.
The big difference is here though I didn't keep it a secret - there is no need to? My husband knew as did my ex's wife.

coldcallerbaiter · 12/12/2023 02:23

He is her ex, presume they’ve had sex before as they were in a relationship, and feelings - right? She is single and I do not believe it is innocent curiosity on dh part.
And please do not say he would never cheat, he might if she is interested.

Holdingsteady · 12/12/2023 05:39

I think you did the right thing OP. I would not be happy with this either.
Clearly some of the posters on here have never been cheated on or know how easily it can happen.

It would be a big NO from me, not because she a female but because she is an Ex and there is history between them.

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