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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh contacting old girlfriend

135 replies

Ibizafun · 11/12/2023 04:34

Married 12 years, no kids together (only separate). Dh's ex wife cheated, as did my ex husband. Dh re-connected on Facebook some years back with his ex girlfriend from before his first marriage, and they send Happy Birthday texts.

I've never had a problem with that but last year he told me he'd like to meet up with her for a coffee, as was curious as to how her life had panned out. My first reaction was to say "sure we'll have her for coffee".. but my girlfriends told me they wouldn't be happy and I should just say no. Dh said he didn't want to upset me, so wouldn't.

Fast forward 18 months and his phone just pinged with a message from her, saying yes she'd love to meet up for coffee one day. I clicked on the message and lo and behold, dh had wished her happy birthday and said they must get together for a catch up. I'm livid. I know for a fact he wouldn't cheat as he wouldn't sleep with me till his decree absolute came through after his last marriage. But do I really need to be sitting there wondering if there's still a spark? It's just so fucking disrespectful to me and dishonest after he agreed he wouldn't.

She's now single after a long relationship and it's evident by dh's posts that he has since become successful.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Panaa · 14/12/2023 04:34

However, that doesn't excuse lying and minimising and I'm beyond disappointed.

I don't get it, you said you read the messages and that at each birthday they say we must catch up etc. Did he make any attempts to actually meet up with her?

It's just something a lot of people say in my experience and most people don't mean it!

Alohapotato · 14/12/2023 06:08

Lot of people say: " we should meet for a coffee " but they don't really plan to do it, it's just something polite to say..

Panaa · 14/12/2023 06:13

@Alohapotato
There's even memes about it.

Dh contacting old girlfriend
Bookworm1111 · 14/12/2023 06:59

But haven't they been in contact for a few years already, even if it's just to send an occasional birthday text? This isn't suddenly renewed contact, so giving him a hard time so he has to block her seems over the top and, as other PP have said, controlling. People often say in messages 'oh we must meet up' and don't actually follow through.

What you've done, OP, is show him that you don't trust him, which is so damaging for a marriage. He might be fine now, but at some point he will dwell on this.

Diamonde · 14/12/2023 09:02

I really don't think this is any kind of nail in the coffin for their relationship. Why would op trust him when he was deceptive? I'm sure he can see that and they can both move on.

BIossomtoes · 14/12/2023 09:54

It would be in mine. If my bloke did this I’d never feel the same about him again. This degree of lack of trust on the basis of nothing would damage most relationships.

He was deceptive because she moved the goalposts, the birthday messages had been going on for 30 years. He’s had three decades to make a move on her if he wanted to.

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 17:34

The birthday messages only started when they connected on Facebook prob about 8 years ago. He scrolled back to show me previous messages saying "must meet to catch up" but they never have. He does value our marriage and although I know he wouldn't have cheated, I don't particularly want him thinking the grass was greener.. as far as we're both concerned the episode's over.

OP posts:
catsanddogsandrabbits · 14/12/2023 18:09

Nasty comment about cool wives. different people, different approaches, different experiences. No need to put other women down.

Personally, I'd be fine with it. I trust DP. I don't control who he can and can't see. If he wanted to cheat he would. Just as I would.

I meet up with an old ex about twice or three times a year. We flirt a little, have lunch, swap stories, have a laugh, remember old friends - and go home to our partners after no more than a friendly hug.

If my partner wanted to stop that because he didn't trust me I wouldn't stay around. It's not how I want to live. So I'm glad he's a "cool husband" and I'm a "cool wife" (except the term is ridiculous - so we're not!)
Hope it works out for you OP

Iloveabaileys · 14/12/2023 18:18

It's a tough one this . If you did trust him then you wouldn't really be worried about it so something doesn't feel right for you . I'll be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable about it , but he hasn't hid it from you either. I think I would be more worried if it was done in secret .
You have to be honest with him tho as I'm sure he would with you. Would he be ok if you met up with a ex ? Just changing the narrative .

Original poster
Ibizafun · 14/12/2023 23:33

He's always said he'd be fine if I met an ex, in fact encouraged me to! He's a very warm, sociable guy who easily builds lasting relationships both in work and socially, so it wouldn't just have been one coffee.. she'd have been in our lives.

I've met his ex-wife (we're second marriage) many times, even had her for lunch.. no problem with that of course as they share children.

OP posts:
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