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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so irritated by women who have perfectly healthy pregnancies behaving like ...

226 replies

jellystitch · 10/12/2023 11:42

They're dying of a disease or
They're the first woman in the world to have a baby it they think that their labour, delivery and expectant child is going to be hugely complicated despite having absolutely nothing medical reason to think as such? Perfectly healthy expectant young mums.
Maybe I'm just unlucky to be working with many of these...
It's not anxiety related. It's like an attention seeking thing.

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 10/12/2023 15:10

I loved my pregnancy but that was because I had decided long before it ever even happened that I would have a caesarean because I did not want to give birth vaginally (no medical reason). That was a huge deal for me. Not being dramatic or attention-seeking, just knew that I needed to do that for myself to prevent anxiety.

NumberTheory · 10/12/2023 15:12

Generally, I don’t think we give pregnant women enough support as a society and that the emphasis on how complex their case is and what you perceive as attention seeking may, in part, be an attempt to get the support they feel they need or ought to have.

But also, culturally we seem to put a high value on being “unique” nowadays. I don’t think it’s only pregnant women who have a tendency to over emphasis how different they are in some regard even though, for the most part, their experience or situation is pretty common. If you’ve got several women at work who are pregnant at the same time, it’s not unusual or unreasonable for their conversation to centre around their common situation and to discuss their experience. It can be a bit tedious to listen to, but so can the conversation of a group of people who’ve taken up cycling or have all recently been car accidents.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 10/12/2023 15:14

@jellystitch You see it on here a lot - "I'm 23 weeks pregnant and have had no complications at all, but my husband is going out for three hours. AIBU to say he can't, in case something goes wrong?"

That kind of thing.

ModestMoon · 10/12/2023 15:15

Well done OP, your goady thread almost passed for legitimate.

Just in case this isn't a wind up and you genuinely do lack any shred of empathy, then obviously YABVU. I was terrified that I was going to hurt my baby or end up very ill, potentially dead. My best friend almost died with her first from what up until that point had been uncomplicated. Another person I know unexpectedly lost her prescious baby. Giving birth is terrifying. For many women it's the first time they've ever had to do something so physically intense and dangerous, with so much on the line. It's only on account of modern medicine that dying in childbirth is the anomaly.

It's just bullshit to put women down for this. Yet more misogyny, like women should stop whining and just put up and shut up. Well why should we?

Coffeeandabookplease · 10/12/2023 15:15

Yabvvvvvvu. Hth.

Pooracoustics · 10/12/2023 15:16

jellystitch · 10/12/2023 11:48

I know them very well and when we chat , they are quite factual in their opinions and are adamant that they are not anxious, just different to every other pregnant woman.

Yes well maybe they are discussing medical issues because they are disinclined to share their fears with someone as unsympathetic as you op!

Pooracoustics · 10/12/2023 15:19

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 10/12/2023 15:14

@jellystitch You see it on here a lot - "I'm 23 weeks pregnant and have had no complications at all, but my husband is going out for three hours. AIBU to say he can't, in case something goes wrong?"

That kind of thing.

Actually it’s more likely you see “I am alone with a 5 year old and a three year old, and I’m 40 weeks pregnant and being induced in two days bc of gestational diabetes, and my dh has decided it’s a good time to go on a weekend trip with his rugby mates. AIBU if I ask him to cut it short by a day?

OverTheCountryClub · 10/12/2023 15:22

Well I've been pregnant 4 times and I felt like fucking death warmed up in 3 of them. The only one I didn't I had a missed miscarriage and no heartbeat at the 12w scan. Nothing was wrong with my dc, nothing hugely problematic with me either- except I just felt awful. After delivery I couldn't believe how much better I felt! Oh, and I've also had a pph (4 litres lost) and a third degree tear despite being healthy and no signs of anything amiss. I also have 2 friends who've had stillborns over the past few years despite nothing to suggest there would be issues in pregnancy. I think concerns about birth are valid tbh.

Ellamaelucyolivia · 10/12/2023 15:26

I think everyone is entitled to have a moan in pregnancy. You're growing a human for goodness sake. I had bad morning sickness for the first four months of both my pregnancies. I had gestational diabetes in the last one. My husband's colleague had a miscarriage at 22 weeks around the same time I was pregnant. I was super anxious about the same thing happening to me. Give these women a break. It's a very anxious, tiring time.

Ardith · 10/12/2023 15:34

YABU. You sound like a bitter angry person, did you get neglected by the father / your employer during your pregnancies or something?

I had a healthy normal pregnancy, but if I leaned backwards slightly then the baby’s weight would press on the artery carrying blood to my brain, and I’d faint. Pregnancy is tough on the body.

It’s a shame that having been through it yourself you feel so much hatred towards other mothers.

WestwardHo1 · 10/12/2023 15:34

jellystitch · 10/12/2023 11:47

I am speaking about women who are currently pregnant and have no reason to be concerned considering their pregnancies are going very well and the women are very healthy.
Not my intention to be nasty. It is the continuous talking about these imagined complications and how they are high risk despite not being at all, whatsoever.

I can be quite an impatient exasperated kind of person about stuff like this. However it doesn't take much empathy to work out that a really good reason for all this anxiety is the internet and Google. Society and information has pretty much all moved online, where you will invariably find the worst case scenario. Plus there's the medicalisation of every last thing - no wonder women are anxious during pregnancy.

Cut them some slack..

slore · 10/12/2023 15:36

YABVU. Pregnancy and birth are life risking and life changing events, no matter how healthy you are. Women are allowed to feel however they like about this, and to talk about it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/12/2023 15:40

Yanbu to find it boring chat to listen to. Yabu to expect them to change or be braver like you apparently were. Talking things out can help manage anxiety. Superstitions and listening to gut feelings also can. Leave them be and avoid small talk with them if you don't like the subject.

Bernardmanning · 10/12/2023 15:41

I think that with your level of empathy OP, you should be in a different job! Having your first baby is a pretty exciting, totally new and overwhelming experience. And of course, it can be very dangerous.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/12/2023 15:43

There are always women like that, think they’re something special or unique because they’re having a baby. Just nod and let them get on with it.

WonderingWanda · 10/12/2023 15:43

Op in the nicest possible way, you've done it 4 times but the first time someone is pregnant it is new to them and they are allowed to feel, worried, a bit precious and like they are special because it's so exciting, and they are doing an amazing thing. They are growing a human. If you can't be a bit diva when you are doing that then when else can you. If you don't want to sympathise then just say you're really busy and move on.

Cloclo93 · 10/12/2023 15:45

Perfectly healthy women do die in child birth it's normal to be terrified stop been a b####

Peachtails · 10/12/2023 15:48

People are allowed to talk about their fears and anxieties. Just because you don't feel the same way or had the same experiences doesn't give you right to be, quite frankly, bitter and a bit cruel.

I sincerely hope you are not a midwife or a healthcare worker in general, what a dangerous place for someone of your mind set to be in. What if one of these pregnant ladies you assume have uncomplicated and healthy pregnancies went into complications whilst you were with them? Tell them to get on with it because they were at the gym fine the day before? I dread to think.

Although absolutely not the intention of the other posters, I regret reading though the thread now hearing of all these uncomplicated pregnancies that ended up in complications (I'm 36 was pregnant). Which just goes to show really doesn't it.

I don't mean to sound rude but your post was very unkind and yes, you're being incredibly unreasonable.

Please practice some kindness.

Cas112 · 10/12/2023 15:51

Do you know how a massive change being pregnant is for a woman's body? No need to be rude, just ignore it if you don't like it, you sound awful and like you have very little compassion

PKDaisy · 10/12/2023 15:53

I have had one pregnancy and I have to say once was enough. I don’t agree that there are “ perfectly normal “ pregnancies. Every woman has her own feelings and fears too.

Inertia · 10/12/2023 15:54

Being pregnant isn’t a disease, and many women are fortunate enough to have straightforward pregnancies. However, pregnancy can bring numerous genuine complications and risks to health. Women still die in childbirth. If you’re a HCP working with these women, you’re in the wrong job.

EerieSilence · 10/12/2023 15:55

jellystitch · 10/12/2023 11:54

I have four children and have had four pregnancies.
I'm not a martyr but I certainly did not spend my day having nothing thing to say only how complicated and unusual my pregnancies were , when they were not , as none of these women's are either.

Do you want four medals for it? Or an OBE?

PKDaisy · 10/12/2023 15:55

What a wonderfully positive attitude to your own sex.

AristotlesWife · 10/12/2023 16:01

You appear to be the common denominator among all these women you know, OP.

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