AIBU to absolutely hate people being in my house

[PullUpTheDrawbridge]

I mean I totally hate it. Any form of guest (except family) has me muttering expletives under my breath or in my head within 20 mins. I just want them OUT!

I don’t mind guests so long as they don’t expect me to entertain them. When you have teenagers you get use to numerous friends of your children being in your house. Thankfully, we have a three storey house so they are all confined on the third floor using the bathroom up there (which I never venture into).

I am okay with people making themselves cuppas and going in my kitchen cupboards weirdly on another post a mother said her adult son wasn’t allowed in her cupboards and she didn’t like her adult SS going in them either! I find this strange.

I am genuinely curious - for the people who feel this way, did that factor into your decision making when you were deciding to have children? Because by its nature, doing so means you will be sharing a home with other people for a mimmum of 18 years and they will almost certainly feel differently to at least some degree. And that would- and should - accommode their social lives which will almost certainly involve at a minimum their friends calling over and possibly sleepovers too.

As I said upthread, my parents worked a lot so the only sleepovers we had were other family members and it was agreed on in advance as were friends coming over. If I went to a friend’s home to hang out or a sleepover, it was something agreed on beforehand, not just people coming by of their own accord. I don’t go to other people’s home unless arranged beforehand except if it’s family and I know they have an open door policy.

I spent a lot of time with my friends doing things outside of our homes so it never occurred to me that it was unsociable or that time had to mainly be spent in their homes otherwise it’s “weird”.

@theleafandnotthetree

I am genuinely curious - for the people who feel this way, did that factor into your decision making when you were deciding to have children? Because by its nature, doing so means you will be sharing a home with other people for a mimmum of 18 years and they will almost certainly feel differently to at least some degree.

It was actually because of my children that I learned I felt this way. Of course my children are autistic and they needed their safe space. Only one of them was ok with visitors in the house, loved it in fact. The others found it very hard and one became very distressed. When I stopped having house visitors for their benefit I realised how much better I also felt. Of course I had been masking and muddling my way through for many years beforehand.

Similar house set up to @TheGrimm I let DD have sleepovers with friends. Son can bring playing out friends in. I have worked with kids, particularly teens. So I don't mind them being in my house but I do set the rules and make sure they are behaving. Family: I don't mind them visiting. My mum and gran were very welcoming to visitors. I don't mind tradesmen being in as long as they are nice. I have chased one tradie out the house because he was quite frankly a complete twat. So I guess I have a threshold.

I do love having the house to myself as well. I don't enjoy going to other people's houses so much. I love being at home.

I'm the opposite. I love having people over! When I was married and had a decent sized house, I'd have people over most days/eves - usually mum friebds back after school pick up or friends for lunch on my days off work. Once had a dinner party for 20 to celebrate a good friends 40th.
Now I'm in a flat, alone (kids are adults now) I don't entertain as often as can only seat 4 at my dining table. But I still welcome friends and family. I do prefer a couple of hrs notice though to get me and the flat ship shape! I've a friend for lunch today, my sister for dinner tomorrow and another two friends for dinner on Weds. my family and friends are all like me though so I'm often at their houses too.
I don't know anyone who doesn't invite friends and family to their home - and I don't expect them to be show home level of tidiness (although my parents and sister, and quite a few friends houses always are)

My children are younger than yours but I certainly don’t supervise tedious activities like baking when their friends are over. The aim of the game is to have them entertain themselves without me, just as I did at friends’ houses growing up. I wonder if it would feel less of an imposition if you told them to find activities that didn’t involve you?

....and to add, my family and friends know that it's fine to help themselves to any food and drink, have a shower if they've come straight from work....and they're welcome to stay over if they want to have a glass of wine but have their car. I live alone now but this was still the case when I lived with a husband and two kids. My kids constantly had friends over, mostly with no notice as they got to teenage, often stayed for dinner, often stayed the night!They were always welcome. It's lovely spending time with my family and friends in a relaxed environment (and saves money on food and drink going out). I do go out too though to meet friends but only a few times a month due to expense.

I think OP your views are not usual though I am sure not alone. Either you need to think about how much your children's events are not in your or anyone else's house, or somehow seek help and support to overcome this.

.....I even have my exH and his partner over......and I go to their place too. I met a new guy about six months ago and I've already been invited to his sisters house and his parents house and have taken him to mine. Sister then invited him over for Christmas lunch and there's already 13 of us going plus two additional visiting dogs!

This is my experience too, right down to the diary which would be left open on my bed to make sure I knew they were ‘on to me’. And our doors were made up of glass panels rather than solid, so I would sometimes look up and see a family member staring at me and I’d have no idea how long they’d been there for. Nowhere felt safe. I can’t relax fully in my home until it’s dark and the blinds are shut.

I hate unexpected knocking on my door, I flinch and don’t answer it which I’m sure fills some MNers with glee! I live in a flat and I tense up if I hear anyone in the outside corridor or coming up the stairs.

I’m selling my flat soon and I’m really dreading having strangers coming in to look around.

@Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain maybe I'm trying too hard but I'm not sure that's a fault. When kids come over (of the age mine are) they always default to staring at their phones and trying to get my kids onto theirs. Particularly the girls, who are an in-between age and don't seem to know if they still want to 'play' or not. So they end up playing on their phones.

I don't want my DS on TikTok for hours. Hence the 'activities' which I often instigate. I guess I'm making a rod for my own back as they all seem to enjoy it and see my house as the fun house where they re allowed to do fun things like bake etc. So that perpetuates more playdates.

From now on I'll just let them be bored. I'm only half joking.

Why is it some of you think this is weird if you are NT? Despite popular narrative, NT doesn't equate to, 'must be absolutely comfortable with everything other NT people do because all NT people are exactly the same', you know.
NT people still have trauma, depression or other reasons. They aren't some homogeneous mass that have this easy life where everything ND people find difficult is a walk in the park.
Similarly, not all ND people are the same. It's more common in certain ND folk to feel uncomfortable with having people round, but there are ND people who are the life and soul of the party without masking.
It's OK to be who you are, feel how you do about your own home, whether you are ND or NT. It might be more unusual if you are NT, but it isn't 'weird'.
We need to get over this idea in general that people have to fit into some sort of mould all the time. It's brilliant that there is so much more awareness about ND. It isn't so great that some of us use terms like 'ND' and 'NT' to continue the old pattern of sticking people into boxes into which they must remain or be considered 'weird'.

@theleafandnotthetree

if we had managed to have children, I he plan was Dh would stay at home. I was going to be the long distance lorry driver and probably go intercontinental. Failing that I would have trained to be a mechanic.
But you know what they say - humans make plans whilst life carries on regardless.

People on MN are so unlike most people I know IRL

This is something that does bother me greatly and why I make the effort on occasions. Ultimately though I don't want the DC to pick up on my anxiety in these situations, so much prefer to socialise outside of the house or make sure their dad is around who luckily is a born entertainer and shares the load. It's when he's not around I have the issue. I just cannot relax until guests have left and it takes great effort to appear relaxed and feels like a performance the entire time. I too think more people than were aware of generally feel this way, you just don't notice either because they're putting on a performance. I would LOVE not to be like this.

This this this.

Also, the idea that if you’re introverted, or god forbid a woman in science or mathematics, you must be ND.

People are just different in general. Sometimes it feels like we’ve lost sight of that.

I truly can relate to this and I know that I'm hypervigilant due to PTSD. I don't know if anyone ever truly gets over having their boundaries violated growing up in a toxic family or having lived with an abusive spouse.

@AntonFeckoff and @Utterbunkum I think the responses that irritate you are from posters who have friends who are similar to themselves and probably don't know people who dislike visitors or won't answer the door, so to them it is unusual behaviour.

@StockpotSoup in the real world I would have a conversation about it to, I’d want to try to understand what it is about having or not having people in your house that is so wrong to some people.

It’s similar to people not answering a phone call from a number they don’t recognise. (Worked with someone who lost a plum job that way.)

I can see for many it’s complicated. But it feels like a lot of people living very anxious lives and that’s not good for society. Little hope our government will invest in the nation’s mental health though.

I think it's facile to think of it as two camps. I do have people over - children's friends, my own, neighbours, family etc - but I also find it stressful to an extent, get myself into a bit of a cleaning and cooking flap, don't ever fully relax unless it's my mum or sister. But I still do it because it's part of being a family member, friend and mother. Unlike many on here, I neither love it nor hate it, it's just life! I have a few friends whose houses I love to go to, who create such an atmosphere of welcome and warmth. I don't think that comes naturally to me but I feel we have to try. Next weekend I am having 4 of my neighbours over for a drink and nibbles. They are all ladies of a certain age and all but one would live somewhat isolated lives. I will be in a flap, slightly dread it and probably be happy when I shut my front door at the end of the night. But I'll also feel good about making and reinforcing social connections and hopefully will have a bit of fun too. There is an epidemic of loneliness in society, I often feel it myself. I think anything we can do to lessen that, we should try. For our own sake as well as other peoples.

Always quite baffled by this type of comment: what are you doing here then?

I find MN is also full of kind, empathetic, knowledgeable people, with different views to mine which is quite refreshing. And also a lot of weird intellectually challenged people whose posts no one forces me dwell on.

It’s similar to people not answering a phone call from a number they don’t recognise. (Worked with someone who lost a plum job that way.)

One reason many people don’t answer from numbers they don’t recognise is because of the amount of phone scams going around and people being duped by them. Even banks warn about not answering numbers you don’t recognise due to it and not giving out your information especially with some pretending to be them and other companies. The majority of calls I’ve answered on my phone of numbers that I didn’t recognise were scammers, hence I stopped answering them. Most of my calls are via FB messenger and WhatsApp and arranging things is usually via done text or email so it’s in writing.

Jobs, the NHS, other companies and services, ime involves an email or text about them calling at a certain time or arranging a time to talk and in the world of reverse lookup and people leaving feedback about numbers that have called, you can find out more about an unfamiliar number. With the NHS, it’s usually an unknown number.

Me too

Nope.

hate it

get out!!!!

I never minded my DC having friends over though, it’s just adults for me.

I think my anxiety stems from a childhood with a parent similar to some PP who love an open house. I HATED it! Coming home and not knowing who would be there, having to make polite conversation (not allowed to slink off) people staying for hours or even overnight with no warning. It made me feel I had no privacy and no control over my environment.

Since I could afford to live independently I have enjoyed creating a safe space and other adults simply don’t feature in that. The more animals the better though 😍