Page 4 | AIBU to absolutely hate people being in my house

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 2023-12-09T23:45:47+00:00

I mean I totally hate it. Any form of guest (except family) has me muttering expletives under my breath or in my head within 20 mins. I just want them OUT!

leachesleachesleachesleachesleaches · 10/12/2023 08:16

hellsBells246 · 10/12/2023 01:04

It is REALLY weird to hate anyone coming to your house. But this is MM, where people are online.

Maybe people who hate interacting in real life prefer to interact online...

No shit Sherlock.

Original poster

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 10/12/2023 08:27

user1477391263 · 10/12/2023 07:47

MN is full of rude, cold and odd people with no friends. I don't know anyone like this in RL, but I guess people who are like this tend to dominate online spaces for obvious reasons.

Wow. Rude and cold?! You are the one sounding rude and cold. So judgy!!! I DO have people over. I make a MASSIVE effort to clean. Tidy. Cook. Run around after them. All while chatting and appearing relaxed. But I find it very stressful inside.

All I can think is that you just don't realise that's how a lot of people feel. Because they don't tell you and you don't have the empathy/ imagination to consider anything beyond your own experience.

OP posts:

Moro93 · 10/12/2023 08:28

user1477391263 · 10/12/2023 07:47

MN is full of rude, cold and odd people with no friends. I don't know anyone like this in RL, but I guess people who are like this tend to dominate online spaces for obvious reasons.

The irony…

Rubyupbeat · 10/12/2023 08:29

I really find it uneasy when I have repair people or builders in, as I am never sure whether to chat to them or go in another room. But anyone else not at all, my house is a quiet house now, I find it sad not having a house full at weekends.

DaisysChains · 10/12/2023 08:32

I used to love hosting friends, DC friends - even invited total strangers for a lunch once

However severe & long term abuse by an ex knocked that right out of me

At worst I couldn’t leave my bedroom nevermind have bloody visitors over

So for all the “that’s really weird”, “maybe we’re more sociable”, “not ok for NT”

Have you so little imagination that you cannot understand at all?

I can’t even say my home is my safe space entirely but it is as close as I can get so having visitors is disruptive - even if I initially enjoy it

Because of the trauma my ex put me through I need a lot of time completely on my own

Some of the judgemental attitudes here are very disappointing, especially given how many rapists and abusers never get punished

but it’s fine to judge, find guilty & punish those they rape/abuse for just trying to find some sort of safe space in their own homes

jfc just take a long hard look at yourselves

theleafandnotthetree · 10/12/2023 08:33

I am genuinely curious - for the people who feel this way, did that factor into your decision making when you were deciding to have children? Because by its nature, doing so means you will be sharing a home with other people for a mimmum of 18 years and they will almost certainly feel differently to at least some degree. And that would- and should - accommode their social lives which will almost certainly involve at a minimum their friends calling over and possibly sleepovers too. I don't love any of it but knew I'd have to suck it up as part of having a loving and happy home and a space where they could also make decisions about having friends over etc. That's before we even mention spouses. I do know one or two families who never have their children's friends over and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed, does affect friendships and is seen as a little 'wierd' at least. I just don't think we have evolved as humans to live such atomised lives so I am curious as to whether any of this came into the frame in terms of decision-making. If I felt as strongly as some people on here do, I think I would simply live alone.

Icopewhenihope · 10/12/2023 08:44

MsLavender · 10/12/2023 01:12

I feel the same way OP but I do wish I didn't! I'm pretty sure this stems from never feeling safe as a child in my own home due to living with extreme violence and abuse. I also never had any privacy, diary and poems being read and them used to humiliate me. Now my home is my sanctuary, it's the place I feel safest and having other people here makes me feel on edge and I can't relax at all. Even thinking of someone being in my home makes me feel sick.

I do have a handful of people I can tolerate coming over (for a short time) but even then I'm relieved to see them go.

Absolutely this. I am not autistic plus my house is spotless and I absolutely hate having people over.
I think for me it’s that I cannot control what time they leave or how long they stay when they come to mine. I am not a huge fan of people in general and I hate unnecessary small talk but if you were to come to my house you would never pick up on this as I put on a good show but it drains me. Some people like entertaining and some people don’t. It really is as simple as that. However I do wish I was in the former category and could embrace it. My teenagers have people over all the time but because it doesn’t take any interaction from me other than letting them in and saying hi, it really doesn’t bother me at all. I am glad my kids are not like me and dread visits before they even happen.

Theordinary · 10/12/2023 08:46

It quite likely that Mumnet has a higher incidence of ND people than you might find in real life. There are lots of us on here as it's a safe place to make your voice heard. We find certain things difficult,but that shouldn't make us weird. I'm likely to be autistic and my kids are both diagnosed.
It is normal for a lot of ND people to hate having people in the 'safe space' of their home. I personally can force myself to do it but we all breathe a huge sigh of relief when people leave! I feel under pressure that things have to look perfect and fear judged that my home is a bit scruffy.
It's a odd to call it unusual when there are so many of us that feel the same way.

Ibizabar · 10/12/2023 08:47

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 10/12/2023 08:14

They are that age now. Hence the problem. I am currently enduring roughly 2 play dates/ 1 play date and 1 sleepover a week. And hosting Christmas/ Boxing Day to too it off. Wish everyone would sod off.

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Teenagers don't have playdates. They have their mates round.

Kaffeebitte · 10/12/2023 08:50

RampantIvy · 10/12/2023 00:34

I agree, although several posters have stated that they are ND.

I would find it odd if an NT person suffered such an extreme reaction to someone daring to encroach on their property.

Do the non door answerers never order anything online? How do they get their deliveries if they won't answer the door?

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They leave the parcel on the doorstep! I’ve removed my doorbell 😂. I get supermarket deliveries but look out for them.

Kaffeebitte · 10/12/2023 08:52

I don’t mind dd having mates over as it doesn’t require much from me, but our house is so small it can be a bit uncomfortable as either they’re in her room or they’re around me !

TheSuggestedAmendment · 10/12/2023 08:56

Presumably this is part of a network of deeply held anxieties and requirements.

I do think it is unusual and I’d be looking to address it, OP. But maybe not for its own sake but as part of things that might be stopping you have a full and happy life.

Original poster

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 10/12/2023 08:59

TheSuggestedAmendment · 10/12/2023 08:56

Presumably this is part of a network of deeply held anxieties and requirements.

I do think it is unusual and I’d be looking to address it, OP. But maybe not for its own sake but as part of things that might be stopping you have a full and happy life.

No, it's not part of a network of anxiety or requirements. Everything else highly functional. But I would like to address it. I'm wondering how others cope? Hence the question

OP posts:

Original poster

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 10/12/2023 09:05

@Ibizabar right. Helpful. Maybe if I stop calling them play dates I'll miraculously feel totally better about them. 🙄

kids are early teens/ tweens, I am still required to supervise the baking gingerbread sessions they want to do with friends every bloody week. So that kids of us a play date even if they are teen ish.

OP posts:

Kiitos · 10/12/2023 09:10

I enjoy it. Having friends over, having friends to stay, unexpected visitors. All welcome! My house is ‘my’ space and I love being alone there too, but I didn’t realise that so many people felt so strongly about it

Cosywintertime · 10/12/2023 09:15

I enjoy having people I love or care about over. And I’m happy for my child to do the same, it’s their home too, and I even enjoy having tradesmen here and usually they are polite and capable and it means something I need or want doing is being done.

it is quite common on here though I think to not like it, a form of deep introversion. Sometimes a bit of shame of the home, and a desire to put in effort to display it at its best, And that’s fine, whatever the reason. We are all different.

SaltyGod · 10/12/2023 09:16

I’m an introvert but like having visitors, it’s great to use all the house/rooms etc and I enjoy hosting. We deliberately bought a house that could host lots of people.

I prefer it to staying with other people, it’s easier for me in my own home and I can take myself off for a quiet moment if it need to.

Baconking · 10/12/2023 09:16

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 10/12/2023 00:36

I'm not autistic but sometimes wonder. On some levels I am definitely ticking a lot of boxes. Others not at all.

I am currently enduring a sleep over for DS birthday. It's the noise and demands and mess and everything being topsy turvey. Also the social dynamics. I am almost too aware of how the group is functioning/ how everyone feels.

I also feel constantly over vigilant as if something could go drastically wrong at any moment.

Before people come I am weird about cleaning. I've never lived in a show home and go crazy trying to get it up to scratch before people come. (I clean every day to a lesser degree so it isn't awful, just messy/ tatty/ usual)

How do you relax about it all? I just can't imagine ever finding it pleasant

This sounds exactly like me for sleepovers.

I'm on edge and constantly listening out to make sure everyone is is getting on and having a good time

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 10/12/2023 09:17

Tacotortoise · 09/12/2023 23:50

Honestly? Yeah that's weird as fuck.

No, it isn't actually.
Lots of peoole feel this way.
We're not all social butterflies.

beautifullittletree · 10/12/2023 09:21

Another example of closed minded people unable to accept others are not the same as them without calling it 'weird'

I'm embarrassed for you.

RedHotAirBalloon · 10/12/2023 09:23

I don't think you're weird OP. I find having visitors stressful as I feel like I can't relax.

I also clean a lot before people arrive and feel like I need to look after them once they're here. So offer drinks, food, make sure they're entertained, are comfortable, not too cold etc.

It's just so stressful for me!

Often once people have left I have to sleep for an hour or so, or at least spend time quietly on my own.

phoenixrosehere · 10/12/2023 09:28

Theordinary · 10/12/2023 08:46

It quite likely that Mumnet has a higher incidence of ND people than you might find in real life. There are lots of us on here as it's a safe place to make your voice heard. We find certain things difficult,but that shouldn't make us weird. I'm likely to be autistic and my kids are both diagnosed.
It is normal for a lot of ND people to hate having people in the 'safe space' of their home. I personally can force myself to do it but we all breathe a huge sigh of relief when people leave! I feel under pressure that things have to look perfect and fear judged that my home is a bit scruffy.
It's a odd to call it unusual when there are so many of us that feel the same way.

I feel under pressure that things have to look perfect and fear judged that my home is a bit scruffy.

I’m not ND, but I feel this a bit too because I know people judge regardless whether they admit to it or not. Even on here, people admit to being judgmental about other people’s homes including family members. I have an autistic child and have been teaching him to be a bit more tidy (not leaving food bits everywhere, making sure to flush the loo, etc) since he was small and he can do it for the most part but when he’s upset, it all goes out the window and I can’t always stop immediate actions (using his hair, shirt, carpets as a napkin). I have carpet cleaners on every floor, robot vac, constantly reminding him to put xyz in the bin and still have posters who will say do xyz as if I haven’t tried those things while saying they don’t have ND children.

I had a baby 6 weeks ago (had postnatal issues that required several hospital visits and my stomach is still numb between my navel and c-section scar) and in-laws came down to stay when she was 4 weeks old. DH and I tidied the whole house before their arrival. MIL offers to help me and before I can say anything she interjects by mentioning cleaning the kitchen floor. I’m quite thorough usually and told myself I shouldn’t overdue it while still healing and that their family and wouldn’t notice or care about a few crumbs under the table in an otherwise clean house as often posters say on here when it comes to their families, unfortunately mine is not one of them.

ColourMeBlue · 10/12/2023 09:29

I really hate the "oh WE live in the real world,you poor lonely people".I'm not living under a rock somewhere.Equally I could say I feel sorry for closed minded people,who don't understand its possibly for DIFFERENT people to like DIFFERENT things.If I want to sit in my house,avoiding visitors,I absolutely will.When I'm expecting a parcel,its pretty easy to open the door,take the parcel,then shut the door again,or am I missing something?are the more sociable butterfly's amongst us inviting the delivery guys in for a cup of tea and a chat,and my unsociable ass got it wrong?Where as some people evidently LOVE listening to the sounds of their own voices,I'll happily sit in my house,listening to the sounds of...wait for it.....NOT SOCIALIZING 😁😁

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 09:29

On Mumsnet-perfectly normal. In real life, not so much.

RampantIvy · 10/12/2023 09:29

theleafandnotthetree · 10/12/2023 08:33

I am genuinely curious - for the people who feel this way, did that factor into your decision making when you were deciding to have children? Because by its nature, doing so means you will be sharing a home with other people for a mimmum of 18 years and they will almost certainly feel differently to at least some degree. And that would- and should - accommode their social lives which will almost certainly involve at a minimum their friends calling over and possibly sleepovers too. I don't love any of it but knew I'd have to suck it up as part of having a loving and happy home and a space where they could also make decisions about having friends over etc. That's before we even mention spouses. I do know one or two families who never have their children's friends over and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed, does affect friendships and is seen as a little 'wierd' at least. I just don't think we have evolved as humans to live such atomised lives so I am curious as to whether any of this came into the frame in terms of decision-making. If I felt as strongly as some people on here do, I think I would simply live alone.

You make some interesting points. I often read on similar threads posts from parents whose DC want to invite friends over, then get really stressed about having other DC in the house or having to talk to other parents at drop off/collection or having to talk to teachers at school and parents evenings.

We only ever go to other people's houses we are invited to, which would be close friends or family, and we only invite close friends and family over, so having people round is not stressful for us as they are people we are comfortable with.