Is a day of isolation too harsh?

[Yomuma]

My son is in year 7.

This week, I had an email from the school which explained he had received a "level 3" punishment. This was because, whilst he was sitting in the front row watching a rehearsal for the school play, he found a crisp packet he had screwed into a ball on his pocket. He began throwing it from hand to hand, before he missed and it ended up going near the stage / performers. All this was on the email from the teacher, which described the behaviour as "very inappropriate".

For this, he received a full day in isolation and a bad behaviour point.

The teacher in her email did not say she had given any warnings, or asked him to stop, and also explained she doesn't know my son as she doesn't teach him but he seemed upset about the whole thing.

I do fully agree he was rude and disrespectful to the performers, he should absolutely have not been doing that whilst he should have been watching the performance.

Though I have spoken to another mum whose son punched another child in the face, and he received a day in isolation but no bad behaviour point. Ie. A lesser punishment.

I have also been told that the process is to issue usually 3 warnings first as isolation is a last resort. This didn't happen.

AIBU to think it isn't fair that my son received essentially a worse punishment than a child that punched someone in the face? And surely he should have been given at least one warning first?

He is generally very well behaved and is mortified this has happened. I hate the thought that I am "one of those mum's" that thinks their child is an angel, but it does sound a bit extreme to me.

Should I just let it go, and trust the school acted appropriately? Or do I need to raise my concerns that this doesn't seem very fair?

I’m a secondary teacher. I think you need to ask for some context because the teacher must think he threw it deliberately.

Has the teacher explained the circumstances? You have your son’s account, but do you have the school’s?

If he was throwing it hand to hand and he missed it would have landed at his feet.

If it went forward he threw it.

Even if he threw it at the stage I think a full day in isolation is quite harsh, personally!

It's obviously really disrespectful to the performers.

Also, realistically, if he's doing it in the front row and they are performing what is essentially a play the teacher can't give him three warnings without stopping the play three times which is clearly unreasonable.

He will also have been doing this in front of the whole year/house and so very visibly being disrespectful.

This sort of thing is why it's often hard to get anyone to come into schools to do stuff.

If the procedure is usually to give 3 warnings and then isolation, I would ask the school to confirm that this procedure was followed.

Personally, I think your son's behaviour was poor, disruptive and disrespectful to the performers, regardless of whether he intended to throw it or not. But I agree that a day in isolation for a Y7, no warnings given, sounds harsh. And it doesn't sound like punishments are consistently applied.

It does sound like he threw it at the performers so I suppose it's his word against the teacher's unless there were other witnesses?

How did the rubbish end up near the performers if he was just throwing it from hand to hand? Sounds like he threw it deliberately. At most, question if they followed their own processes re warnings but I wouldn't do more than that.

The account from the teacher was that the packet was thrown and landed near the performers. But I just checked with him and it was actually a rolled up paper bag (the type you get from Greggs) which explains why it did roll forwards. The teacher implies it was deliberate but my son insists it wasn't. It would be very out of character for him to do it on purpose, though he is a clumsy child so I can very much believe he launched it in the wrong direction by accident. But who knows.

I can’t work out how it was an accident that it landed on stage. The teacher probably can’t say it was on purpose but thinks it was. they’re unlikely to change their punishment and I think it’s the wrong message to send your DS that he can mess around and that his mum will then reduce his punishment, let him take the punishment and learn from it

He threw it at the stage. His punishment reflects that he embarrassed the school as well as being very disrespectful and rude to those on stage.

You need to wise up. Your son is not as well behaved as you think and you are in for a rude awakening if you continue to believe he’s blameless.

Yeah I kinda agree with this ,the hands are only so far apart .. and land near the stage ..

Not only is it disrespectful, it’s dangerous. What happens if a performer slips on the bag?

Concentrate only on your own child's behaviour. What sanction was given to a different child on a different occasion is nothing to do with you.

DS is in Year 7. He will have had the behaviour policy explained to him when he started earlier this term, and probably reminders since. He has also had all of primary school to learn how to watch a performance, how to show respect towards the performers, and not to try to lie his way out of trouble.

If the school staff have not followed the behaviour policy (it will be on the website) with regard to your child, then ask about that. If they have followed the policy and you disagree with it, either DS needs to behave better so he doesn’t get any more sanctions or you need to move DS to a school that more aligned with your way of thinking.

He did something silly
He got punished
He won't do it again
End of story

I can’t see how a scrunched up paper bag could roll so far. Also, why was he throwing it around in the first place? It does seem very inappropriate behaviour for an audience member. If he were with you at the theatre, you would have stopped him, I’m sure.

I think you have to tell your son that what he was doing was wrong, and he now needs to live with the consequences of his actions. He will think again before doing something like it in the future.

Obviously he threw it. He is not going to tell you this. He was probably pissing about to impress his mates. Wise up. I have heard a million variations on the 'it rolled forwards' story. Try the I accidentally tripped him up. My arm knocked into him by accident. My arm jogged and it ripped the page. I was using the glue and the glue smeared all over my desk. My pen exploded and ink went all over my hands etc etc.

He is old enough to know what he did was inappropriate. He shouldn't need to be given three warnings which would disturb the play. Support the school's decision.

Christ, in my day he would have had the cane for that. Get over yourself. He didn't throw it from hand to hand...he threw it at the stage, completely disrespectful to everyone involved. He got a piss poor punishment and your moaning. If I was a headmaster I'd have a zero tolerance policy and I'd expell kids for this.

The teacher was there, you were not. Your child is not going to give you a version of events that paints themself in a bad light. It's an unusual child that would be completely honest about their poor behaviour choices.

You should not concern yourself with other children's behaviour or consequences. You don't know how reliable those reports are and you know nothing about circumstances in which those decisions were made.

This is the very definition of fuck around find out isn't it

He won't do something so stupid again will he.

Moaning to the teacher about the punishment is why behaviour in schools is so poor. Children know their parents don't back the school and feel they can mess around without consequence.

It sounds harsh if this is your first child at secondary school but when you have 3 go through secondary school, you realise this is "normal" and it's actually better if schools try and nip things in the bud so to speak rather than allowing disruptive behaviour to escalate (the person carrying out the disruption and the people witnessing it).

The issue with detentions is it doesn't deter the child/teen who doesn't care or cannot help themselves.

Trust the school that they are professionals - and grown ups - who are able to take the right, balanced, decision.

If you ultimately believe your child over these professional adults, you need to either change schools or wise up and take off the rose tinted glasses.

I’m a teacher and I think, even if he threw it at the stage, a detention would be appropriate. A day’s isolation is very serious and not appropriate in my personal opinion.

You need to separate these two issues, you only have the mothers word about what happened and what the consequences were. Personally, I would expect a child to be suspended if they punched another child in the face.

Regarding your child, that is pretty rude behaviour and could have put the performers off or worse made one of them slip. As harsh as it maybe, I do think the correct punishment was given for those circumstances.

I see so many parents trying to dismiss their child's behaviour and not supporting school. There are too many children who think they can get away with being misbehaved because their parents will go into defence mode.