Is a day of isolation too harsh?

[Yomuma]

My son is in year 7.

This week, I had an email from the school which explained he had received a "level 3" punishment. This was because, whilst he was sitting in the front row watching a rehearsal for the school play, he found a crisp packet he had screwed into a ball on his pocket. He began throwing it from hand to hand, before he missed and it ended up going near the stage / performers. All this was on the email from the teacher, which described the behaviour as "very inappropriate".

For this, he received a full day in isolation and a bad behaviour point.

The teacher in her email did not say she had given any warnings, or asked him to stop, and also explained she doesn't know my son as she doesn't teach him but he seemed upset about the whole thing.

I do fully agree he was rude and disrespectful to the performers, he should absolutely have not been doing that whilst he should have been watching the performance.

Though I have spoken to another mum whose son punched another child in the face, and he received a day in isolation but no bad behaviour point. Ie. A lesser punishment.

I have also been told that the process is to issue usually 3 warnings first as isolation is a last resort. This didn't happen.

AIBU to think it isn't fair that my son received essentially a worse punishment than a child that punched someone in the face? And surely he should have been given at least one warning first?

He is generally very well behaved and is mortified this has happened. I hate the thought that I am "one of those mum's" that thinks their child is an angel, but it does sound a bit extreme to me.

Should I just let it go, and trust the school acted appropriately? Or do I need to raise my concerns that this doesn't seem very fair?

I'm confused, how do the richer kids buy thier way out of isolation?

By having extra planners, extra ties, etc. Even extra jumpers, PE kits can help.
One of my DC's friends has several ties in his bag, in different house colours, so he can provide one for a friend if they forgot theirs.
At DC school it's only detention for forgetting tie/planner, not isolation.

Many schools have spares to loan too.

ah, I see. Wow.

@Wolvesart

Pray tell... How do you successfully monitor fidgeting?

A quick update.
The parent of another student who witnessed the whole thing has got in touch with me. Apparently there was a child sitting next to my DS who was saying things like "chuck it higher, do it now, if you don't you are *" (sure you can imagine).
I checked with DS if this was true and he said yes, but didn't mention it to anyone because he didn't want to be a snitch. The teacher didn't hear any of this.
It doesn't in any way excuse his behaviour but does add some context. I explained to DS to never do anything just because someone calls you names, and actually what this child said could be perceived as quite homophobic. Personally I hate the term "snitch" because I think it's used to justify letting people get away with bad behaviour...
So I am now unsure whether I contact the school to explain this part (a do really think they need to stamp out this sort of language / culture) or to just leave it?

In this case - you are sitting at the end of the row or standing with the role of monitoring the first few rows, you see someone start to toss a bit of paper between his hands, you take auction stop this, action can be by catching their eye or sending a message down the row. If this is done you won’t need to justify your existence by doling out an absurd punishment

It’s completely shocking that the planner instance caused isolation or the shoes. Detention maybe, but if they have to use isolation at all it should be for bullying etc.

It sounds as if both boys were behaving in an extremely immature, distracting way. Yes, the other boy was at fault, but it was your son who was caught, your son who continued to throw a crisp packet higher and higher, and your son who threw the packet onto the stage. Instead of getting caught up in the drama of who was worst behaved, I would be telling your son that you are extremely disappointed in his disruptive behaviour, that he is at secondary school now and expected to behave in a much more grown up way, that he was the one who threw the crisp packet and was caught, not his friend, that if someone had slipped on the packet they could have had a very nasty injury and he is to accept his punishment. I actually think a day in isolation, away from his silly friends, may help him reflect on his behaviour. In your shoes, l would also punish him at home. Is there a report card system at the school? If so, it is possible for parents to ask for their child to be put on report so that their behaviour can be monitored by both teachers and parents. If he sees that you take an equally dim view of poor behaviour and that you are working with the school, he might begin to pull his socks up. I would imagine that your son is already well known at school for all the wrong reasons. Despite most people here telling you that you need to support the school and that your son was behaving very badly, you still seem to think that it was just a bit of silliness that went wrong. You have to be much stricter and much more objective about your son. Finally, you need to tell him to choose his friends more carefully.

Also, why on earth would the parent not intervene by taking the packet away from him and glare at both boys?

“The parent of another student who witnessed the whole thing has got in touch with me. Apparently there was a child sitting next to my DS who was saying things like "chuck it higher, do it now, if you don't you are "

No, he wasn’t actually called names. He had the classic thing done to him that kids have done for decades of “if you don’t do X your Y” it’s a common form of peer pressure I guess you could say.

I’d say if anything this ‘context’ makes it worse IMO, since it’s now clear he was deliberately throwing it really high /far from him. It’s not just as if he had a sudden attack of poor coordination or misjudged the strength of his throw.

I’m one of the people who said sometimes teachers should be challenged, but actually now I’m thinking in this situation perhaps you should leave it. Try and get your son to be more of an independent thinker who isn’t easily led and influenced.

Unless it was a much older boy telling him to do it OR the other kid is some kind of bully (which would be a problem in itself) who orders everyone around and your son felt unsafe to say no? If he was just doing it to save face and be cool nah - it’s still all on him.

What do you think telling the teachers this new bit of info will do? I don’t think it’ll make the teachers blame him any less or change the punishment.

The only thing I could see happening is they might have a word to the boy who egged him on.

The update confirms your son lied about what happened. He’s a kid who got carried away and did something silly. Let school
issue the punishment and stop over thinking.

This. It's perhaps an unusual punishment but a performance is an unusual occasion - a one-off for those in it - and your DS intentionally did something to disturb it. Good way for him to learn that his friend is a bit of a pillock.

Op, don't say anything to the school about the other boy egging your son on. Your son didn't mention it, all credit to him, and I don't think much of the other parent who told you by message. Outside of those involved, it really should not have been discussed at all. This is not a major incident.

Just leave it to the school to implement what they consider to be a reasonable punishment and move on. Your son will be fine and have learned the lesson that one should not give in to 'egging on'.

I wouldn't say anything to the school. It's quite possible the other student (or the mum) has already said something. It doesn't really make your son look any better, unless you think there is some bullying going on, which would be a different matter.
When is the isolation? At my DC school, it's pretty much instant.

This, so even though he's now admitted to purposely throwing the item on the stage, it's still someone else's fault?

I would hope OP is feeling a tad sheepish now to discover that her DS is in fact economical with the truth and perhaps isolation was the correct outcome after all. The school usually knows more than you do, and this is a prime example.

Isolation is barbaric. I do think it needs to be stopped.

Schools and teachers can't complain about children showing a lack of respect when they don't respect them! It actually disgusts me that any school or teacher thinks it's okay to do this! If parents shut their child in a room for a day every time they did something wrong we'd conider it child abuse. Why is it okay for schools?!

Speechless.

My kids have never had a detention or an isolation because they do as they are told. My kids respect their teachers and the teachers respect them back. Maybe this is because my kids don't cause trouble. See the connection?

Do you actually know what isolation is?

It's a room supervised by a teacher where children pulled out of lessons for bad behaviour are expected to do their work, quietly. Sometimes sitting in little booths to stop chat, sometimes in exam style separate desks.

It's not solitary confinement FFS.

Yes. He threw it on stage and disrupted a whole school performance that kids had been practicing hard for. It was disrespect. A day In isolation is a suitable punishment

I read the title and was ready to say support the school, I usually do, but this does seem disproportionate; even if they can't warn three times, they don't appear to have warned once. Unless this is a child who is regularly naughty, I'd ask for a meeting to confirm that the policy was followed and that it's proportionate.

My dc’s have had detentions but not isolation. Teenagers will never respect the school and their teachers properly if parents constantly interfere over sanctions. That’s not to say that I have never had cause to e mail a head of year because I have, but this has only been with regards to their education, not because my dc’s disagreed with their detention and told me some bulls* story ( which it usually is with teens)!