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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend getting engaged right after other friend's wedding.

320 replies

toddlermam · 09/12/2023 18:49

I’m curious to who you think is wrong here. For reference I’m neither person in the scenario but I am friends with both and feeling quite in the middle of the drama! Hmm

Friend A - had a wedding abroad, beautiful destination. Invited friends and family but understood if others couldn’t make it due to the cost etc. most people ended up coming and all stayed a week or so.

Friend B - came to friend A’s wedding with her boyfriend of 3 years. enjoyed the wedding together and then continued the remaining 3 days on the holiday with the boyfriend. boyfriend proposes on the last night of the holiday, friend says yes, very happy etc

Friend A is angry that it’s taken away the ‘spotlight’, so to speak, and that they’ve got engaged just a few days after the wedding.

Friend B thinks friend A is being unreasonable as this was also their once a year holiday, they spent a lot of money to come to the wedding and the boyfriend was planning to propose on whatever holiday they went on this year anyway.

So what do you think? Is Friend A being unreasonable for being upset?

YABU - Friend A shouldn’t be upset, Friend B is right

YANBU - Friend A is right to be upset about the situation

OP posts:
TheBeatles · 09/12/2023 20:03

LinguisticallyCunning · 09/12/2023 19:01

Since the boyf didn't propose at the ceremony, and instead waited a few days or so, then it doesn't matter. At all. If I was the bride at the first wedding, I would be nothing but happy for the couple getting engaged.

In my friend group there was a situation where friend B’s boyfriend proposed on the night of friend A’s destination wedding (not at the reception, but afterwards). Friend A was absolutely delighted when she heard and went around saying how happy she was that there was so much love around.

Conclusion: my friend A is so much nicer than yours 😉

This was 20 years ago though so maybe etiquette is different now.

x2boys · 09/12/2023 20:03

Sodapop1 · 09/12/2023 19:47

If this is the whole story friend A is being unreasonable. HOWEVER a similar thing happened at my wedding, it wasn’t a destination wedding but a friend of DH’s came with a very new girlfriend and spent most of our wedding reception telling everyone loudly about how he planned to propose the next morning, etc. The girlfriend overheard and they had a blazing row about the ring, shouting to each other across the door as we walked in for our first dance 😮 at the time I didn’t have a clue what their problem was but said friend had pulled DH aside just after the ceremony to show him the ring and tell him his plans. We did think this was quite poor form!! Depending on how the proposal was delivered etc it’s potentially a little selfish.

Thats,not all,similar because

  1. they were a,long standing couple
  2. They didn't have a blazing row
  3. it wasn't during the reception it was several days after .
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 20:04

x2boys · 09/12/2023 19:48

It wasn't the wedding party though ,it was also their holiday if it had been during the reception you would have a point it wasn't .

Show quote history

Well yes, but why were they all there together? To celebrate the wedding of Friend A.

I'm not saying it's the end of the world but I can say with certainly that I would not have announced my engagement in this circumstance. I have seen enough negative responses to lesser glory-stealing to know that it would go down like a rat sandwich. It wouldn't be just the bride that judged me either, especially among my Irish friends (who have a lot of rules about weddings). The only way it would be acceptable is if B's partner asked A in advance if she would be okay with it.

TiredEvenForAPhoenix · 09/12/2023 20:05

Is Friend A old enough to be married?! She sounds like she's in middle school.

MargotBamborough · 09/12/2023 20:06

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 19:40

A is wrong to make a fuss, since B presumably had no control over the timing of her partner's proposal.

However it is very bad form to announce your engagement at a friend's wedding party (albeit a ridiculously extended one). There are hundreds of other days in the year to do it, and I think many brides would think "WTAF?!" if the conversation on the last night of their wedding holiday centred on somebody else's engagement and, inevitably, wedding plans. I've seen normally totally reasonable friends become irate when another friend's pregnancy was revealed at a hen party, usually because she couldn't drink, so I don't think A's feelings are unusual.

Who on earth would be annoyed at someone announcing their pregnancy at a hen do?

A friend of mine told us she was pregnant at my hen do and I was just glad that she had still come along instead of pulling out because she felt like shit.

Behindyouiam · 09/12/2023 20:07

@TheYearOfSmallThings oh my hod, now we need to check with brides that engagements can go ahead three days later...

Susieblue18 · 09/12/2023 20:07

Friend A is being completely unreasonable. The wedding was over, it’s a lovely destination so why not. Friend A should be really pleased for friend B and it should add to all the celebrations. Friend B has actually ruined it by the sounds of it.

AcrobaticCardigan · 09/12/2023 20:07

YABU - Friend A is an awful person for being upset about this.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/12/2023 20:08

Nothing unreasonable at all. Friend a is incredibly self obsessed if they have an issue with this.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/12/2023 20:10

Friend A is ridiculous.
She was already married it didn’t detract at all from her day.

dutchyoriginal · 09/12/2023 20:10

YABU

Friend B is right. Fiancé waited long enough, last night is perfect

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 20:11

Women like Friend A is why I can't be fucking bothered with friendship groups anymore.

What a self-important, self-absorbed drama queen.

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 20:13

I honestly can't believe that anyone who got married for the reason they wanted to be married to their partner and not for attention would be bothered about this. I can get why people get annoyed if someone proposes at their wedding, but if they're friends I don't get why she isn't excited for her!

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 20:13

Friend A is being a moron

UsingChangeofName · 09/12/2023 20:13

Friend A is behaving like a complete and proper loon.

QueSyrahSyrah · 09/12/2023 20:14

@MargotBamborough A friend found out she was pregnant at my Hen Do! I was thrilled!!!

I wonder about all these people who only want good things for the people they call friends so long as those good things don't in any way clash with or detract from their own celebrations.

Shameless989 · 09/12/2023 20:15

Friend a is odd. Never understood why people think others care so much about their wedding.

x2boys · 09/12/2023 20:16

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 20:04

Well yes, but why were they all there together? To celebrate the wedding of Friend A.

I'm not saying it's the end of the world but I can say with certainly that I would not have announced my engagement in this circumstance. I have seen enough negative responses to lesser glory-stealing to know that it would go down like a rat sandwich. It wouldn't be just the bride that judged me either, especially among my Irish friends (who have a lot of rules about weddings). The only way it would be acceptable is if B's partner asked A in advance if she would be okay with it.

Show quote history

The bride doesn't own her guests and doesn't get to dictate what happens after the wedding it wss also their annual holiday ,one they paid a lot of money for
Once the ceremony is over that's it ,its not all about the Bride anymore as she isn't a Bride anymore her big day is over.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 20:16

Friend A is unreasonable.

Speaking as somebody who tried to avoid overshadowing various Friend A’s weddings/engagements with our engagement and wedding…. I honestly wish we had just not been so caring… because Friend A being annoyed is dicky behaviour.

MelsMoneyTree · 09/12/2023 20:16

A is being odd.
I can't imagine being in my happy newly wed phase and being angry that one of my friends was going to get to experience that too iyswim. If I was A's partner, I'd be annoyed that she thought someone else being in love somehow diminished our wedding.

Chickpea17 · 09/12/2023 20:17

Friend A needs to get a grip and grow up!!

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/12/2023 20:18

How many days of the year does friend A think she can block out so that her friend's don't get engaged?

She sounds like the type who would gave an issue if it was before the wedding too.

I was at a wedding where a guest's waters broke (3 weeks early) at the reception and later in the night, the couple intrupted the DJ to make an announcement that the little girl was born and had a free round on drinks to toast her arrival. That's what decent friends do.

A needs to get over herself.

Jellybean23 · 09/12/2023 20:19

Friend A is a diva. How long does she think she should be queen bee and the centre of attention? Other people have lives too.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/12/2023 20:21

x2boys · 09/12/2023 20:16

The bride doesn't own her guests and doesn't get to dictate what happens after the wedding it wss also their annual holiday ,one they paid a lot of money for
Once the ceremony is over that's it ,its not all about the Bride anymore as she isn't a Bride anymore her big day is over.

Show quote history

But is the last night of her wedding holiday the only time to say "your big day is over"? I think it would have shown more grace for B to announce it after they were back home.

Snowdogsmitten · 09/12/2023 20:22

Friend A is a maniac.