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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 09/12/2023 20:28

Think of your young children watching all this and probably scared he might hurt them too. You need to change the locks and call the police. I really hope you get out of this situation. Yes the boy needs help but his father doesn't seem to want to and it's not up to you to do it

Megifer · 09/12/2023 20:29

It will be your beautiful precious children who they abuse next op.

Keeva2017 · 09/12/2023 20:29

6 pages of every poster imploring you not to keep failing your children and yourself?

Your children are most likely already going to need support from the harm you've exposed them to, take action.

Delphinium20 · 09/12/2023 20:29

Your DP has gaslit you into believing this is your fault. If you read your posts about someone else, you'd agree that no woman who asks, nags or even shouts at a 16 yr old male teen to clean his room in her house deserves a beating. No woman. No matter WHAT she says. No matter if she goes into a teen's room. There is no excuse for his violence.

WhickDittington · 09/12/2023 20:32

Is this anyway to bring up your DC?

EvilElsa · 09/12/2023 20:32

Trust me, these things do stick with kids -I remember my Dad having an affair (multiple actually) and him and my mum screaming at each other while I sat on the stairs. I was 6. It stays with you. I'm 42 and can remember like it was yesterday.

Denimdenimdenim · 09/12/2023 20:32

Absolutely not. I wouldn't allow them to live with me.

Couldyounot · 09/12/2023 20:34

I seem to remember that breaking someone's bones classed as GBH. You need to get the nasty little wanker and his sperm donor out of your house asap.

MaidOfSteel · 09/12/2023 20:35

You are not the problem, OP! Please know this.

8misskitty8 · 09/12/2023 20:35

You where assaulted multiple times and your DP doesn’t appear to care or do anything to discipline his child.
You have two cocklodgers here OP. Time to get rid, you are not married so he has no claim to your house

Diaria · 09/12/2023 20:37

Divorce your husband and get the two of them the fuck out of your house.

He is a monster.

savethatkitty · 09/12/2023 20:37

Your partner sounds pathetic & DSS sounds like a grub.

I'd chuck both out - is definitely not normal behaviour. Is this really what you want your own kids being subjected to

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 20:38

Please my darling, throw them both out. You and your children deserve so, so much better x

Seadreamers · 09/12/2023 20:38

To echo everyone else, you MUST get these two out of your house immediately. Do you have a male relative or friend, or any friends for that matter, who will be with you for support when you call the police?

Send your DC and dog to stay with a trusted friend or relative
Call the police
Call a locksmith and get them on stand-by to urgently change the locks
Buy a Ring doorbell

If one of your DC disclose at school that they are scared about their home situation then you will have to potentially answer some serious questions to SS and police so find your inner strength and act now.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/12/2023 20:38

What if he hits your children next or breaks their fingers? Seriously, please speak to someone. I know it’s hard to get your head round what to do, and it’s scary, but there are people who can help you: the police, Women’s Aid.

You need to get both these males out of your house and out of your life. Not only are you and your children at risk of further physical and emotional abuse, the longer you stay the more you’ll become a shell of your former self. You’ll feel so much better once you get them out. You and your children can have a happy, safe home. You won’t believe how different you’ll feel.

Please, please speak to someone who can help you xx

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 20:39

Op. I don't know you. But I know one thing for sure that I don't need to know anything about you for. You were physically assaulted, nothing you could have said/done caused that.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2023 20:39

He has actually told you he won't leave unless the police make him ?

Well...

You have been told by him exactly what to do.

and then change all the locks !

empee47 · 09/12/2023 20:39

It might be typical teenage behaviour for them to be untidy, lazy and moody but that level of filth in his room, as well as his violence towards you, is not normal. It’s assault as you quite rightly identify and you must report it to the police. If your partner doesn’t like it, he and his son can both pack their bags.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 20:39

You’re not married - Fantastic!!!!

Get rid of them, call the police if necessary. Get friend and family and women’s aid support. Every ounce of support possible.

They are both abusive of you and you need to get them away from you and your children.

Thank god you didn’t marry. Move them both out!!!

FeetupTvon · 09/12/2023 20:39

This is a very real safeguarding risk for your children as well as you.
You need to contact the police on their non emergency number tonight.

DuckyShincracker · 09/12/2023 20:40

I had trouble with my middle older teen DSS. My DP took lead and did all the parenting. DP had my back as I said I was done with living with abusers as I'd done enough of it with my ex. DSS moved out because DP wouldn't let him get away with anything. You need a partner who is going to put you first. The lack of respect towards you here is not just DSS but your DP as well. There is no way that you should be tolerating this. You could get very seriously injured. I'm sorry to say you are in real danger lovely.

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 20:40

Your partner allows his teenage son to attack and injure you in your own home. He then blames his son's behaviour on you.

This is textbook abuse - both emotional and physical.

You know this isn't right and that it can't continue. I can understand how scared you are of what might happen if you try to do anything to change the situation, though.

As others have said, you need to go to your local police station, report the abuse, and ask for their help in removing your partner and his son from your home.

You are not to blame here. You have done nothing wrong. You have trusted a man who has turned out to be an abuser and the blame lies solely with him.

You need support to help you take the next step, so go to the police as soon as you can safely do so. You can also ring the 24 hour women's refuge helpline on 0808 2000 247- all their advisors are trained and can talk you through your options.

Northernsoul72 · 09/12/2023 20:41

To be honest I think pizza boxes and bodily fluids are the least of your problems. You are experiencing domestic violence from a 16 year old in your own home with a partner who is colluding with him. I think you need to think about your own children...their fingers might be next. I think partner and son need to find alternative living arrangements. I am sorry this is happening to you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/12/2023 20:42

Op, you know what you need to do. So do it. You can’t continue to make your kids live like this, even if you are willing to do so. Phone the police if they won’t go. Change the locks. And breathe easy, for the first time in ages..

Stiritscrapeitmakeitbakeit · 09/12/2023 20:43

It is almost unbelievable that someone would allow their children to live with this.

Even if you can't end this relationships for your own sake, you can surely do it for your children (who will not be allowed to carry on living with you if you carry on exposing them to this).

The police need to remove both men asap.