Stepson behaviour

[Mum2bambinos]

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

Hi OP

I understand why you are scared.

Different situation for me as the person who was being violent was my then DH, now Ex.

I told three people about it.

One told me to throw my daughter out of the house as she was at the root of the arguments and that I should stay with my husband.

One asked me if it had happened before and then said I was a useless person because I hadn't dealt with it the first time it happened.

The other person heard me in silence and then left the room and avoided speaking to me for months.

In real life people are often not supportive and are not helpful.

The police when I did end up calling them (because he hurt my DD really badly and then scared me so badly I thought he was going to kill me) were not like that.

They were nice. They were helpful. They could see I didn't want to be in the same room as him and we were separated and each told our story to one of them.

They have a standard protocol for dealing with these situations.

Don't be scared of calling the police.

But if you can't, please call women's aid.

I have a 16 year old whose room is a mess but this goes above everything.

Honestly, I would have kicked them out the day he assaulted you.

He's told you what to do if you want him out, call the police. So do it. And tell them who broke your fingers while you're at it too.

If this ever gets reported to social services, they would be all over the fact that you were not protecting your children against a domestic abuser in the home. This is not victim blaming, and would boil down to how you responded to the acts of violence and abuse in terms of its impact on your own children, The teenager is not your responsibility legally, and he has been taught by his father that his way of dealing with anger and defiance is ok. Your children are at risk and being raised in a household marred by lack of respect and abuse. He may have ADHD, but that is for his father to deal with. You should not tolerate anyone coming into your home, and creating violence and damage. You are doing the teenager no favours because he is just learning he can get away with it. For him, actions don't have consequences. But he will get older and meet someone bigger and stronger than him and that will end badly. So the time of intervention is now. Any 'partner' who is not willing to back you up and allows his son to abuse you is not worth having in your life. Make them leave, prioritise your own children, change the locks, get house security and reclaim your right to a safe space at home. Ring women's aid and get the police around to evict them if you need to.

That definitely isn’t typical teenage behaviour and he needs professional help. He needs to be seen by the GP and referred to a mental health professional. I don’t know if social services could be of assistance. However, if his father doesn’t recognise that he needs it I doubt this boy is going to get the help he needs and his antisocial and violent behaviour may continue into adulthood.

You’re being domestically abused in your own home and your partner is victim blaming you so he doesn’t have to step up and do any real parenting. Do not let either of them try and make you believe any differently. You must protect your own children. It will be them being physically handed next and they are already being harmed emotionally by being exposed to this behaviour. Please seek help.

What happens when your DD says something your partner or his son doesn’t like? They will turn on her, just like they do you. What will you tell hospital when the son breaks her fingers? What will you tell her?

What happens when your DS overhears them abusing you and tries to step in and protect you? What will you tell hospital caused the bruises on him or the broken bones? What will you tell him?

Take your children to a relative or friend. Go to the police station and tell them everything and get their assistance to remove partner and his spawn from your home. If you can still file a complaint for the assaults, do so. The only hope this 16 year old has at this point is legal intervention. The only hope your children have is the police removing these abusers from your home or authorities removing the children from your custody.

Oh god, this is so sad. I’m so sorry.

The first thing that stood out to me, was your emphasis on being unhappy with the way he treats his bedroom - it’s like the things he’s done to you are an afterthought, and of less significance/importance in your mind.

Please think of the message that allowing this to continue is setting for your precious babies: To your son, that it’s ok to treat women like this; and to your daughter - that it’s ok to tolerate it.

Your home should be your (and their) sanctuary, a place where you all feel safe and relaxed, not living on tenterhooks waiting for this asshole to kick off, destroy your property, break your bones???

Your “partner” should be your biggest supporter and protector, not someone who enables and excuses the very thing that is quite literally hurting you in every way possible. The fact he is condoning his son’s behaviour and even going as far as to blame YOU for it happening is fucking disgusting.
There’s no respect there for you, your kids, your home…?

He’s showing you repeatedly who he is - please believe him.

If you don’t feel you can tell them to leave, please for the love of god call their bluff next time it kicks off (because there will be a next time) and call the police. They need a swift and sharp reminder that there are consequences to their actions.

Ok, now, listen up and listen good. The problem is NOT you. Anyone who is saying that it is is NOT your friend and doesn't have your best interests at heart. Look at this thread my dear (because I'm probably old enough to be your mum I'll take the liberty of calling you that), posters here are showing more concern for your welfare than those people who are actually a part of your life, and we have no real 'stake' in your life, other than our common humanity.

So, just who are these 'others'? Him? His family? His friends? In other words, people who don't want him and his son landing on their doorsteps needing a place to stay. Naturally, they'll want you to think it's 'all you' so you'll keep him away from their doors! And if they're your family and friends you need to take a good look why they're saying this Have you been completely honest with them or have you hidden the truth from them? Are they themselves in unhealthy/abusive relationships? A how sure are you that they have your best interests at heart?

Finally, can you put your finger on what you're 'scared' of? Are you scared of him/his son hurting you physically? Saying nasty things to you? Damaging your home? Sweetheart, these things are already happening. Are you scared of being alone? Remember, you can be more alone with the wrong person than you'll ever be by yourself.

Listen to your 'deep down gut'. I know it's telling you to get rid.

This is an awful situation and I feel for you. As per many others have already said, please call the police or women's aid. You need help to get them out. Messy and dirty rooms are normal, unfortunately unclean beds are normal too, experiencing violence from your teenage SS and then not having your partner's full support and weight behind dealing with it is not normal, not ok, and if you've asked him to leave and he won't unless you call the police, you must call the police.

Remove them both from your house safely and the sooner the better.

This is absolutely outrageous.

His attitude about his son’s behaviour speaks volumes. Parents who deflect by excusing behaviour (“it’s your fault for going into his room”) cannot adequately parent and thus end up with sons like you describe.

I have two teenage sons and I genuinely cannot imagine them ever attacking me.

Call the police and get them both out. Change your locks and put in a ring doorbell if you don’t already have one.

I understand that all of your stepson's behaviour is in the mix, but I think you do need to separate out normal unpleasant teenage boy behaviour, and stuff that goes beyond that.

I think many parents of teenage boys have to put up with having to hold their breath as they go exploring for unwashed clothes and turn a blind eye to crusty stains on the bedding. That is an unpleasant part of parenting a teenage boy, and that includes a teenage stepson. In my view your husband is not unreasonable in expecting that to be accepted, so long as he also does his fair share of holding his breath while digging through his son's unwashed clothes and cummy bedding.

However, you are also talking about broken fingers, facial bruising and holes punched in the walls. This is the stuff you need to focus on when you talk to your husband.

Do not get distracted by questions of laundry or who you buy sweets for.

A sixteen year old boy is only a couple of years away from being a full-grown man. If he is acting violently towards you and your property this is entirely unacceptable and you are not being remotely unreasonable in telling your husband that this has to stop immediately or else either his son, or both your husband and his son, need to find somewhere else to live because this is your house and you cannot live in fear like this.

How old are you? If you are scared, how are your 10 year old DD and 11 year old DS feeling? You're their mother. Protect them.

And I promise you that no matter how good a parent you are, right now your 11 year old DS is looking at his 16 year old step brother as a model for how he should behave, because it sounds like that is a way to getting his own way in your house. Act now or before long your DS will be heading down the same road.

It is understandable that you are frightened, you are being assaulted in your own home. But you need to use that fear to motivate you to protect your children (and that includes keeping yourself safe). You are not responsible for fixing this boy and enabling his behaviour by making excuses for it does him no favours.

JFC, OP, throw the big shit and the little shit out of your house. Neither has any respect for you. Both will make your life and that of your children a total misery if you allow this to continue. Call the police. Don't be gaslit into thinking it is you. It is not, and nothing justifies a physical assault on you.

This is what happens in domestic abuse. They convince the victim they are the issue and gaslight you to doubt yourself. Your DP is a cocklodger and he has a violent son and he knows it. He puts the blame on you for these violent out bursts. He should be sticking up for you, protecting you. Telling his own DS to leave but he doesn't. Which shows he doesn't care about you.

Your own children are witnessing this. They might not say but I bet they are really said of his son. They are witnessing him disrespect you and they may think it's ok in the future to do that to you too. You need to show them that this isn't OK. None of it is ok. You need to call the police when they are out of the house. You also need to call a locksmith to get the locks changed. Asap

OP, I know you are scared, but please believe us when we tell you that the police WILL help you get rid of these awful people. You CAN do this, and you MUST for your own safety and that of your children.

Do you have access to a car? If so, can you make some excuse to go out, I don't know, maybe say you're taking the younger kids to see the Christmas lights or something, and then drive to the police station and report this tonight?

Lots of the step parent stories are bad, this is one of the worst I’ve read . So bad I hope it’s not true . They both need to go OP. Please update us

convinced by others that the problem is me

so
Let s say the problem.is you
Then logically you need to leave with your dc / they need to leave to get away from you

Either way - you and dc cannot live in same house as this man and his son

You can wait for next assault and this time tell the truth to police....
Or you can act now
Because the next assault could be worse and more deadly, what if one if your dc get in the way? Do not risk it....

It’s your house and you have a duty of care to your children even if you won’t stick up for yourself. You know your stepsons behaviour isn’t right and you are in a position to take action, but don’t. What needs to happen before you do? Why do you allow your children to be exposed to this?

Sorry, why the fuck are you letting this boy stay in the same house as your children? You're not keeping them safe and that's your basic responsibility

Your children are at risk with this boy in your home. It is scary but take a deep breath, go to the police and get him out before he hurts one of your children.

@Cockapoo1211 agreed. I feel for the op but I despair for her children and the long term impact on them. Their mum has brought these men into their home and turned it into a dangerous place for them.

Police. Can your dc stay with a friend/ relative for a night? You go to police, explain you’ve been assaulted (ABH), property has been extensively damaged. You are scared for your own safety ( don’t play it down) While your DC are away police should escort partner and his son out if your house. You get the locks changed, Ring doorbell, camera installed. Police will advise you of steps you can take.
You need to get rid — a bit of grubbiness from a teenager is one thing but assault is 100% unacceptable and his father’s attitude stinks.

So true. The hard bits are done:

OP is not married to the abusive prick ✅
OP fully owns the house ✅
OP doesn’t share kids with him ✅

OP, the above are such hard obstacles for women, and they are already done. The rest will be easier.