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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands weekend activity annoyance

141 replies

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:09

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

OP posts:
Housebuyer37 · 09/12/2023 11:13

He's home by 11am? I couldn't get worked about this if its something he enjoys. I'd be having a nice lie in on the sunday though!

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2023 11:20

It sounds OK to me, what's wrong with an afternoon out - he can take the 4yr old and you can relax.

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:22

If he’s not back until 11 every Saturday and I lie in every Sunday then we basically have no whole day to do something as a family. We live in a small town so anything we do we have to drive at least 30-40 minutes for.

but I am willing to accept I’m goingOTT. I think it’s the last straw after feeling strung out and busy to hear he has been taking an extra time chilling out with a coffee every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:24

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2023 11:20

It sounds OK to me, what's wrong with an afternoon out - he can take the 4yr old and you can relax.

I don’t want to be at home alone, I want us all to do something together. Also the thing is he isn’t coming home and spending time with 4 yr old after. He’s coming home moaning about how busy he is, doing DIY and/or sitting about on his phone. He’s not coming home and having quality time with us after. So maybe that is actually the real issue (I realise as I write it):

OP posts:
LylaLee · 09/12/2023 11:27

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:24

I don’t want to be at home alone, I want us all to do something together. Also the thing is he isn’t coming home and spending time with 4 yr old after. He’s coming home moaning about how busy he is, doing DIY and/or sitting about on his phone. He’s not coming home and having quality time with us after. So maybe that is actually the real issue (I realise as I write it):

Show quote history

If you want to go on a day trip he can pack the car the night before or at 7.30. He gets home at 12 and you drive away together.

OR you and DC can go on an outing together in the morning.

Housebuyer37 · 09/12/2023 11:28

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:22

If he’s not back until 11 every Saturday and I lie in every Sunday then we basically have no whole day to do something as a family. We live in a small town so anything we do we have to drive at least 30-40 minutes for.

but I am willing to accept I’m goingOTT. I think it’s the last straw after feeling strung out and busy to hear he has been taking an extra time chilling out with a coffee every weekend.

Fair enough, with my kids its hard to get out of the door before 11am anyway 🤣

hopeishere · 09/12/2023 11:29

I think you're fixating on the idea that to be "together" you have to leave the house on an outing. However could you - go for lunch or dinner with your DD, cinema trip? Soft play? No of those need a whole day.

Why done you lie in on Saturday and get up on Sunday and do something?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 11:32

You have yourself a main character husband.
I'd be pretty pissed off with the lack of effort when at home after his jollies.

MermaidEyes · 09/12/2023 11:34

So use Saturday as a club/diy/getting anything else done day, and Sunday as a family day out. You don't need to be out all day anyway. That's tiring for a 4 year old. Besides, anywhere on a Sunday is bound to be quieter than a Saturday when everyone and their dog seems to be out and about.

Calamitousness · 09/12/2023 11:34

Well, you feel how you feel. It’s your family, your feelings. Would it be how I feel, no. But that’s not helpful if it bothers you. There are two days in a weekend though. Nothing to stop you going out all day Sundays. Perhaps when he is home, you just need to spend some time together and enjoy each others company. Maybe you feel you’re not getting the best of him. Is he tired after dancing or all talked out and he has no chat left for you? I guess if you feel second best all the time that could lead to resentment.

SparklingSparkle · 09/12/2023 11:37

I’d go out and do something with the 4ho nothing is so frustrating as waiting around for someone. Just let him get on with it and do something as a family on Sunday.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 09/12/2023 11:39

I'm not understanding how you think the whole day is a write off after 11am.

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:45

SweetFemaleAttitude · 09/12/2023 11:39

I'm not understanding how you think the whole day is a write off after 11am.

What I mean is if we want to, for example go off to the city near us to go to the aquarium (as an example) it’s an hour drive from us, the. We need to sort lunch, so we wouldn’t be there until 2.

Maybe it’s my personal body clock/way of thinking. I just like to get out and do things and get home to chill in the eve. At the moment I just fed I’m hanging about waiting (considering my child wakes at 7) for ages. Maybe I just need to start going off and doing my day without DH.

OP posts:
rwalker · 09/12/2023 11:47

Couldn’t be arsed with the drama for a few hours out of the home on Saturday morning

if you’ve planned to go somewhere the ask him to come straight back at 10

but demanding he come straight home after class and miss out on a chat with his fr so you can have an extra 20 minutes with him isn’t great

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:48

Calamitousness · 09/12/2023 11:34

Well, you feel how you feel. It’s your family, your feelings. Would it be how I feel, no. But that’s not helpful if it bothers you. There are two days in a weekend though. Nothing to stop you going out all day Sundays. Perhaps when he is home, you just need to spend some time together and enjoy each others company. Maybe you feel you’re not getting the best of him. Is he tired after dancing or all talked out and he has no chat left for you? I guess if you feel second best all the time that could lead to resentment.

Yes I think you hit the nail on the head a bit. He’s over there chatting….was smiley, engaging jokey. Then when he’s home with us he’s short tempered, grumpy, like he hates being with us.

I think it’s way more complicated actually than this one thing.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 09/12/2023 11:56

Maybe he invited you along so you could meet his friends, show an interest in his hobby and generally join in, like your dd did.

And I don't get why you can't leave at 11 when he gets home. You could be all prepped, food & drink packed, eat in the car and in the city by noon.

Sorry, it it sounds like if you can't have the whole day exactly as you want it, then you won't meet him half way.

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:58

MintJulia · 09/12/2023 11:56

Maybe he invited you along so you could meet his friends, show an interest in his hobby and generally join in, like your dd did.

And I don't get why you can't leave at 11 when he gets home. You could be all prepped, food & drink packed, eat in the car and in the city by noon.

Sorry, it it sounds like if you can't have the whole day exactly as you want it, then you won't meet him half way.

Possibly, but if that was his intention he didn’t communicate it. He said “let’s all eat together so we see eachother before I am away”. (He’s away until tomorrow evening now.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 09/12/2023 11:59

Why don't you lie on on a Saturday and have Sunday as a family dau out. Why does your late morning prioritise his ?

LickleLamb · 09/12/2023 12:01

How about a screen free day on a Saturday - so he might play with DS and a day out on a Sunday

MermaidEyes · 09/12/2023 12:02

What I mean is if we want to, for example go off to the city near us to go to the aquarium (as an example) it’s an hour drive from us, the. We need to sort lunch, so we wouldn’t be there until 2.

So do things like this on a Sunday when you have the full day. Leave Saturdays for stuff closer to home.

Hercisback · 09/12/2023 12:02

You could go with him with a packed lunch and be out from 10.30.

Why are you allowed a Sunday lie in to ruin the day and he's not allowed a dance class/coffee?

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2023 12:04

You say he writes off Saturday by doing his thing in the morning but you also do the same by having your lie in on a Sunday. You could get up earlier on a Sunday and have a whole day out then.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 12:04

Honestly you sound like a complete nightmare.

Get your own hobby.

Go for days put on a Sunday.

Leave for a day straight from dance class

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2023 12:05

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:45

What I mean is if we want to, for example go off to the city near us to go to the aquarium (as an example) it’s an hour drive from us, the. We need to sort lunch, so we wouldn’t be there until 2.

Maybe it’s my personal body clock/way of thinking. I just like to get out and do things and get home to chill in the eve. At the moment I just fed I’m hanging about waiting (considering my child wakes at 7) for ages. Maybe I just need to start going off and doing my day without DH.

Show quote history

He comes in, you have a carry out lunch ready and off you go. You're making leaving the house very complicated. You aren't carry baby things etc. Or you pick him up at 10.30 with everything. I think that you are putting barriers in place because you resent the time he spends at this hobby. Or were your parents the 'out at dawn or the days gone' type of people? This time of year there are light shows etc which you can't go to until it's dark. Plan some outings and stop being narrow minded.

SouthEastCoast · 09/12/2023 12:06

I understand how you are feeling and thinking but I do think you are making yourself a martyr here.
I whole day out can start at 11, lunch can be eaten in the car on the way, there seems to be a lot of expectations on your part here.
the coffee and chat after is often the best part of being part of a group activity.

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