Husbands weekend activity annoyance

[Dowhadiddydiddydum]

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

Honesty I think you are being unreasonable.

Pack a picnic and he can come get you from home at 11am and all drive out somewhere for picnic and a walk. Home for 5pm or something

What time do you lie til on Sunday? I assume you get til 11am free time if he gets til 11am on Saturdays- by which time he could get the lunch ready then go out fir the afternoon.

He’s only out for a couple of hours? I think it would be incredibly controlling and weird to begrudge him a coffee and a chat when you’ve got the entire afternoon and the whole of Sunday to do whatever. If my partner told me I shouldn’t be having a coffee for half an hour after a class on a Saturday morning, I’d tell him to do one.

He’s over there chatting….was smiley, engaging jokey. Then when he’s home with us he’s short tempered, grumpy, like he hates being with us.

And you’re a non-stop ray of sunshine when you’re at home, are you? Because it really doesn’t sound that way.

I don’t think it’s ever reasonable to expect to force the idea of “doing things all together” as an excuse for not letting your partner do something alone. You would be reasonable to want the same amount of time to yourself, while he is in charge of the child, but that doesn’t seem to be what you want.

You have three quarters of the weekend to do things together, or to take time for yourself. I really couldn’t get worked up about him hanging around for a half hour coffee after his activity.

Leave at 11, arrive by 12, and then do activity immediately or have lunch first.

Presumably because the 4yo is at home too.

Are there really lots of whole day trips you’d be doing? Most acitivites a few hours is enough for a young child. If he’s done by 11 you don’t need to wait to leave until after lunch - just do whatever you would have done for lunch on the full day trips you want to do (picnic or cafe).

There must be a lot more to this because on the face of it you’re being really unreasonable.

You are correct that you have now realised there are several things going that upset you.

He could finish at 10am promptly then you could head out for the day without you having to give up your lay in/lazy Sunday morning. You didn't previously know this was an option.

He comes back on a Saturday and doesn't engage with you and DS so every Saturday is you on DS duty by default.

He is generally grumpy and moaning and selfish when at home.

Overall it sounds like a communication issue. He seems oblivious to what you would like to happen at weekends OR he does know and has deliberately sabotaged that from happening so he can spend weekends doing it how he prefers.

I do understand why you’re upset, but at least he’s back by midday. If there’s something specific you want to do for a whole day on the odd occasion just ask him to come straight home after his dance class rather than do the coffee meet after, and have everything ready to go.
And make sure you get your time to do things solo too.

Huh?
I don’t have a lie in Sunday. Someone suggested that and I said IF I did that we would have no whole day. I hate lies in. If anything he would be the one still in bed on Sunday too.

Also- with the undertones of “allowing”. I “allow” him to go to work early 4/5 days a week while I do school drop off, I allow him to do no school picks ups, I allow him to not have to make dinner 6/7 a weeks, I allow him to get home v late on 2 week days (days where I do school pick up:drop off:work:make dinner and do everything else from wake up to bedtime for our child). He is ALLLOWED multiple weekends away with friends ans nights out.

don’t get me wrong I do things too. I’m not always stuck at home, but I’m going to be very clear this is not a post about a poor controlled man who isn’t allowed to go out and socialise. It’s someone that does a lot and needs to redress the balance.

This is where you're being over dramatic.

He's home for 11. Breakfast at 7.30. elevenses at 10.30. he walks in, you walk out. You're there for midday, 12.30 latest. Eat either car picnic or Maccies or cafe. By 1.30 you can be IN there, not still faffing at home. 2-5 there. Drive home and grab take out or simple dinner at 6.

Or if you both drive make him meet you there.

HOWEVER clearly this issue is he's disengaged from being an active Dad and partner, you're at the bottom of the priority list barely above 4 yo. That's what you need to tell him. That you don't feel important and your family doesn't feel a priority

He's not spending the whole day doing a sporting activity. He's not drinking. He's pursuing a not terribly time consuming healthy activity and experiencing some social connection outside the home. He even invited you along to socialise too.

Do you not have any hobbies or interests?

The more replies I read and the more thought I give the situation I realise it’s not actually about this morning.

It’s about feeling me/my child are never his priority and about us getting the stressed grumpy man while random people he barely knows gets the happy chatty man.

I can see I am unreasonable about this morning (at least over reacting), but I think I need to refocused on the wider problem.

If you’ve already decided that he’s doing too much and needs to redress the balance, why are you even asking?

FWIW, I think I can see why he’s chattier and more engaged socialising with his friends than he is at home.

Too much drama over a few hours of Saturday activity. DH plays a sport from 10-12 on Saturdays and DD1 goes to her music and theatre class from 9:30 to 12:30 so he drops her off, goes to his sport and picks her up.
Today for example, I’ve done most of the housework and made lunch and we’re going to a winter light trail at 4pm as a family. Like your day is not a write off unless you make it so

Great description

I’m with several others here that, whilst I do understand why you might be feeling annoyed, you are being a martyr. There is nothing stopping you from taking your child out while DH is out, or from getting ready so you can all go out when he gets back. You said yourself 10:45/11 and then said he doesn’t get back until lunchtime. Which would for most people be at least midday or later.

Your child is 4 so, unless there are additional needs that you haven’t mentioned, it shouldn’t be particularly hard hanging out with them.

I think this particular problem isn’t really that bad on his part. We rarely went for whole days out every weekend, more for a couple of hours here and there. It sounds like you’d have plenty of time to still go to the aquarium if you leave at 11am. It sounds like you are just more resentful that DH has fun with his friends but doesn’t seem to have fun with you and DS. If this is actually the case then that’s real the problem and not his dancing and coffee.

I’d be fine with this and happy DH has a hobby he enjoys

Sounds like you still have 75% of the weekend left?

Do you have a hobby yourself?

can’t you do whole day outings on a Sunday?

As I said I think while I’m reading and responding to the replies I’m thinking it through and realising that although I pissed off…it’s not really about this morning it about the whole wider issue. I just got focused on this morning after it happened and when people ask questions like “why not go out after, why not do things sunday”- and I’m realising that it’s a wider issue. Because he is not interested even after 11, he’s grumpy, we don’t do things Sunday because he lies in and he getes stressed about all the DIY etc he has to do.

Choose a weekend away that you really want to go on and ask him to choose a weekend to skip class, so that you can all go away that weekend.

On days you want a whole day out, tell him he needs to be home promptly by 10:30.

I took too long typing and have seen your latest post. I think you are right!

I can get your frustration because you sound like you have a lot going on.

But, I think you are being a bit rigid about this.

For one thing, you could always meet him at 10 some weeks and go for a day out. Or, an afternoon out is really not bad especially if your kids are young!

And you say you sleep in on a Sunday, which is understandable. But basically he does something on a Saturday morning, and you do something on a Sunday morning. So both of you are contributing to having no full day together.

Also, I do think that if you had a special trip planned for a whole day, surely he could miss class once in a while?

My daughter has swimming and ballet class on Saturdays until 11.30 but we still manage to have family time.

YABSU

That’s lovely. My husband doesn’t take my kids to their activities I do. We’re not out to the light trail later because he’s out all weekend visiting family.

so I’d probably be fine it the situation was more like yours.

I also missed your reply while typing! Ah so the problem isn't him doing stuff, it's that he's unpleasant the rest of the time.