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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands weekend activity annoyance

141 replies

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:09

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

OP posts:

CustardySergeant · 09/12/2023 15:03

Xmasblues · Today 12:49 "YABU obviously
Have you thought that he’s grumpy at home because you moan a lot?

From your OP it sounds like he can’t do anything right and you’ve got an issue with anything he does.
He even tried including you and you are finding that wrong too.

Multiple posters have said about having family days out on Sunday or in the afternoon etc and you are finding excuses.

This sort of energy would get me down and I would prefer to be out of the house."

My thoughts exactly. I very much doubt the OP greets her DH with a smile when he returns. He's doing nothing wrong.

stayathomer · 09/12/2023 15:06

Housebuyer37
Fair enough, with my kids its hard to get out of the door before 11am anyway 🤣

I was thinking the same- we always propose a whole day trip to start at 8 and rarely get out before 12😅

wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 15:11

Hire a Saturday morning babysitter and go to the dance class/club with him.

Seriously.

I bet staying late every Saturday to 'chat' might lose its appeal for him.

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 15:12

I don’t see 11am as being an issue, can you not feed your child in the car in the way somewhere? That’s what I do. A lot of people are not up and ready to do much before 11am especially this time of year.

weefella · 09/12/2023 15:22

To me he sounds like a man who craves an audience - either during a dance competition or when he's with his friends. Only now that's not enough and he wants you there to be watching all of this. You've suddenly become useful to him and that's why he's now keen to get a babysitter so that you can come along.

If you're doing the majority of the hard slog of parenting all week on top of that, I can see why you're feeling resentful. You didn't sign up for this.

LickleLamb · 09/12/2023 15:23

FofB · 09/12/2023 14:35

Op, I understand. I live in a rural area and I have a husband who works long hours.

But you need to switch things on their head. You need to organise your life and if he chooses to join you, well that's fine.

I organise activities that we enjoy- and if he can join us, that's a bonus. We sometimes pop to the children's cinema on a Saturday morning- it's usually cheaper. If OH can make it, then I'll book a ticket, if not, we've had a nice morning.

This afternoon we are going to have a go at making pizza then we are going to plant some bulbs together. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you need to stop waiting for him to 'offer' you some time. Do what you and your son want to do- times too precious to wait around hoping he will join you.

So DH is totally surplus to requirements.
Except OP probably has to cook most of his meals and clean up after him.

greyhairnomore · 09/12/2023 16:01

Maddy70 · 09/12/2023 11:59

Why don't you lie on on a Saturday and have Sunday as a family dau out. Why does your late morning prioritise his ?

Because her husband is out and she has a 4 year old.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 17:47

CustardySergeant · 09/12/2023 15:03

Xmasblues · Today 12:49 "YABU obviously
Have you thought that he’s grumpy at home because you moan a lot?

From your OP it sounds like he can’t do anything right and you’ve got an issue with anything he does.
He even tried including you and you are finding that wrong too.

Multiple posters have said about having family days out on Sunday or in the afternoon etc and you are finding excuses.

This sort of energy would get me down and I would prefer to be out of the house."

My thoughts exactly. I very much doubt the OP greets her DH with a smile when he returns. He's doing nothing wrong.

Edited

Dont forget the ribbon in her hair.

Catza · 09/12/2023 18:47

You sound like a martyr who gave up your own individuality for the sake of your family and now being resentful that your husband has other interests. Get your own hobby and be a little more flexible.
Both me and my partner go to separate gyms on Saturday morning (kid is older so can stay at home for an hour it takes me to make a round trip), then we go out after 12 together and manage to drive around, have lunch, go hiking and still be home before 6 to relax on the sofa.

Sceptre86 · 09/12/2023 19:05

I think you are getting a hard time of it. You're a morning person and like to be out early which since you are up at 7am is not unreasonable. I'd just accept that currently you need to go out in the afternoon if you go out at all. I'd do the toddlers lunch at 12am so you can be out by the latest at 1pm. Granted you might not get to softplay or wherever you are planning till 2pm but that's just how your day will be if he had dance in the morning. I work till 1pm on a Saturday and do stuff with the kids straight after, my dh gives them lunch before they meet me. However there is no reason why he can't get up with you'll 4 year old and do breakfast before he leaves. If he's away from your child so much he should want to spent time together.

I'd also have a sit down conversation and talk rationally about how much time to himself your dh gets compared to you. Maybe even write it down so he can see just how much time he dedicates to himself. I wouldn't be happy with this set up because I find him (from your post at least) selfish. He is able to do all that he does because you pick up the slack. Why are you always the default parent or responsible adult? If he's not working at the weekend why can't he cook meals?

Original poster

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 19:41

Hi all, I’m back after a lovely afternoon out with my friend and daughter. Lovely walk, Christmas market and dinner and now having a Xmas movie. So I’m feeling a lot better and less emotional!! Not sure where the intensity from earlier came from.

Firstly and most important no it isn’t morris dancing! 😂 In fact it’s not even dancing that was a detail change to maintain anonymity. But it is a weekly physical activity club!

A few people have suggested I should get a hobby (both in positive and negative terms). I actually do classes/groups once or twice a week already, have a monthly group and have friends I meet up with. So the issue is not me being a stuck at home wife without her own hobbies. Also I work an active job and our DS has a couple of out of school Activities. I’m not bored myself….far from it. The issue is lack of quality time together as a whole family and/or couple.

“I very much doubt the OP greets her DH with a smile when he returns”-
No I don’t. I’ve often done the school run, worked all day, made dinner and done the after school activity so I’m afraid by the time he’s come back from a few hours of alone time at the gym I’m not running up to him with arms open wide (or a ribbon in my hair).

A few people mentioned 11 not being late. My child and I both have ADHD and both need a lot of movement /outside time early on. So the routine of “chilling” out for the morning isn’t something that works for us. We just get bored and cabin fever. Not my DHs fault but maybe it makes 11 seem later to us than it is to others.

“But no-one would really want to be with a partner who consistently prioritises his own needs and wants, and is grumpy and dismissive at home and charm personified when out and about.”

^this is it. He’s out a lot. Then at home he’s grumpy shouty and doesn’t seem to want to arrange anything with us. Someone suggested paying for someone to do DIY- we have started out sourcing more. He always done something though.

OP posts:

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 20:14

OP I completely get it. All those people who suggest you getting your own hobby are totally missing the point that sometimes it's nice to have family time. That doesn't just mean you hanging around watching him chat to his mates or sitting at home together while he scrolls on his phone. It means he's actively present to you and your daughter for a bit of time during the week.

I just don't see why people don't understand that it's important to family relationships: either they are completely detached from their own family lives or they take it for granted so much and can't imagine what it's like living with a semi-detached partner.

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 20:23

Do you both enjoy the same sort of days out?

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 20:32

The issue is lack of quality time together as a whole family and/or couple.

I actually do classes/groups once or twice a week already, have a monthly group and have friends I meet up with.

Tbh it sounds like you do as many activities out of the house as he does and so I don’t think it’s fair to be annoyed about his Saturday morning activity, if you’re out at least 3 times a week.

I think going forward, you both should prioritise Sunday and 1 day a week as family time.
And 1 day a month going out on a date as a couple.

As you say, the needing to be out early is your issue and so why not go out and do an activity like taking DC swimming and then meet DH afterwards.
Or do an activity with DC in the morning, then swap over and have DH look after DC whilst you go out in the afternoon.

I don’t want to invalidate your feelings but a lot of the issues are your issues (needing to be out early) or non-issues (that can easily be sorted or compromised on).
It definitely seems salvageable.

I would prioritise having set days for family time and couple time and then see how you feel in a few weeks time.

It may be that there are additional issues that are actually the problem or it could be that you just needed him to prove that he’s prioritising his family.

silvertoil · 09/12/2023 21:13

If it finishes at 10 and you have plans ask him to come straight home then you shouldn't be hanging around too much. Up and out by 11?
I do know what you mean - I hate hanging around waiting!

UncleBryn · 09/12/2023 22:01

What I mean is if we want to, for example go off to the city near us to go to the aquarium (as an example) it’s an hour drive from us, the. We need to sort lunch, so we wouldn’t be there until 2.

You said he's home by 11 so have everything ready to go as soon as he's back. Do a packed lunch and eat it in the car on the way. You'll be there by 12 which still gives plenty of time. You could always ask him to do coffee every other week if you want to go away for the day, but realistically would you have a full day out every Saturday? You still have Sundays which can be a family day.

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