Husbands weekend activity annoyance

[Dowhadiddydiddydum]

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

Why do you think you need to be going somewhere every weekend. You are allowed to stay at home and i am sure your little one needs a rest day too.

The way to resolve this is for you to also get a hobby that you enjoy on a Saturday lunch time or afternoon. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who begrudged me hobbies because they didn’t have any themselves.

Well I'd be a massive hypocrite if I had a problem with something like this as I've done the exact same thing almost every weekend since we had kids. Not a dance group, but other hobbies. So has my DH, I do something on a Saturday morning and he does something on a Sunday morning. If we want a whole day out, we cancel the hobbies, it doesn't matter if we miss a week every now and again. Can't you do something on a Sunday? Maybe you'd be less grumpy if you also had a hobby. I also couldn't get worked up about him having a coffee after, it's only an extra 20 minutes or so. He was a bit rude to leave you standing when you joined this week though, but that's the only thing I think YANBU about.

Go out at 11am and take sandwiches. It’s good your DH has a hobby, what is your hobby OP?

Lunch in the car or sandwiches for in the aquarium? Get ready to leave when he gets back, you’ll be there by 12.

One thing I realised with kids is that it’s as complicated as you make it. I say this as someone who has ADHD and has a child with ADHD. You want to do these things then get out and do them, otherwise you’re just making excuses. 11 gives you plenty of time to go out for a family day.

I think his hobby and socialising is nice, providing he lets you have the same IF you want it.

At a time when we have an epidemic of male loneliness and are always hearing how much harder men find it to make friends later in life, a priori I think it's wonderful that he has an activity that is both healthy and sociable. There might even be a whole new friendship group waiting for you there, even someone who has a good babysitting contact or who can share their childcare with you when there are social events!

But it's important to consider - do you have equivalent passions and opportunities to socialise? Is there an imbalance there? If so that might be a root cause of resentment. And if so, is it because he doesn't help to make space for you to do those things, in which case you need to talk to him about how he will change that. Or is it that you just don't make the opportunities for yourself? Sometimes we get angriest about things that flag up things we actually resent ourselves for, if that makes sense, it's a form of projection.

Also, as you've worked through the thread it seems like this Saturday morning is a bit of a red herring and really the issue is that he is a "radiator" in the presence of others but a "drain" when around you. That sucks. I'm sorry. Some people are extroverts who feed off the energy of a lot of people, but that doesn't make this ok. Has it always been like this in your marriage, or have things changed? Could marriage counselling to get to the root of the dynamic be helpful?

The issue is he's coming hone., not helping round the house or helping with your kids.

Find something nice to do Saturday mornings- have a lazy morning with the TV, go for a coffee, find a club for DC. I do get what you're saying but surely Sunday can be the day for long trips out. If he's back before lunch then that's still a decent portion of Saturday, if he's moaning about all of the stuff he has to do then does he have a point? I do get the grumpy at home vs chatty with others but probably with others he enjoys the time spent chatting to them and at home he is unhappy. Sounds harsh but its unrealistic for someone in their own home to be happy, smiley and chatty 24/7. It sounds like the club is good for him, find one for yourself too.

Do you have any friends, you seem like your revolves around him. I think you just feel left out and a little jealous. You can definitely have a good time as a family in a few hours not just a full day.

I don't think you should stop him going to the dance group (I'm imagining Morris ) - there are loads of people who get peed off because their OH has no hobbies or doesn't socialise.

It sounds like he's prevaricating and time wasting over possible DIY that needs doing. Does it really need doing? Can it be outsourced?

If his class finishes at 10, he could come home straight after that on days you want to go out. Surely he'd be home and you'd all be in the car by 10:30? So I think all this nonsense about not being able to leave until 2pm is rather dramatic. It's one morning, for an important hobby that's good for his health and wellbeing.

I think the problem is that he also goes to the gym twice during the week.

I think it was also unkind of him to leave you alone this morning after inviting you - unless you looked angry or miserable or bored, in which case I'd leave you alone too.

Do you have hobbies and groups of friends too?

It sounds like OP works, looks after their mutual child mostly alone and does every little bit of managing family life so her husband is accommodated and yet he doesn't appreciate what she has sacrificed so he can do these things and also doesn't put the same fucking energy into being a husband and father as he does during hobby time when he is actually home.
He is taking advantage and neglecting his responsibilities.
Op stop making his life easy and talk to him about making life more balanced between you both, he either pitches in and actively takes initiative for family time or he can sod off.

I wouldn't resent the dance class or coffee after. If you want to go out you could go at. 11 and take a pack up.

Sounds like you need to figure what the problem is

Please let it be morris dancing.

Yabu though. Wait until your children are old enough to go to sports or activities. Dd2 does dance classes between 11-4.30 every Saturday and I expect the rest of the family to suck it up. We do days out on Sundays and in the holidays. Therefore if my dp wants to take a similar hobby I can't get my hand up my arse about it.

Plus the chat and coffee bit is less than an hour!

Agree with this.
My DH has a similar thing which takes up one whole day most weekends and an evening in the week. I have complained about it BUT he has stepped up at home and is busy at home being useful as recompense for him being absent for his activity. He is also paid for the activity so that also makes it somewhat more ‘essential’ although it’s definitely a choice he makes to go and he enjoys it. I’d say he can carry on but with conditions - quality time together and also him taking child on other occasions. Is there any way your child can join his group?!? Two birds with one stone!!!! X

Yes this is the issue. It’s not about the dance class it’s the life after that that’s the issue- he’s not pulling his weight and that’s making you resentful

"He's totally in wrong"
"He's a useless bastard"
"Ditch him for someone better"

...take your pick.

It perplexes me how people can’t understand they it breeds resentment when their family life revolves around her DH’s activity time slots – every single week.

If he works full time and is out twice a week at gym in the evenings, then that’s already a lot. If you work full time, it’s completely reasonable to expect that at least half of your weekends are solely devoted to your family time and/or not revolve around yourself – every single Saturday.

Having children swallows an awful lot of your relationship. Time together should be maximised and your spouse and child should not be an after thought to a hobby. I stress again, every single week.

You have the afternoon and Sunday though? I would be chilled about this...

@SophieinParis It sounds to me like you may feel like a bit of a bystander in his life and what prompted this post was him thinking an enjoyable activity for you would be standing around watching him enjoy himself with his mates (i.e. inviting you to coffee and then ignoring you.) I don't think the activity is unreasonable in isolation but I wonder if you'd have felt differently if he'd said - gee, thanks for this and my time at the gym. We need to make sure that you're also doing something you enjoy? A solution isn't you 'tagging along' to his thing and watching, that's laughable.

Get your own hobby?

Age 4 is such an EASY ages. There's literally everything you can get done while the eye are busy with something. So I don't understand why him getting back at 11 means you can't sort lunch before that? Also getting somewhere starting 1/2 pm is pretty normal.

Op, I understand. I live in a rural area and I have a husband who works long hours.

But you need to switch things on their head. You need to organise your life and if he chooses to join you, well that's fine.

I organise activities that we enjoy- and if he can join us, that's a bonus. We sometimes pop to the children's cinema on a Saturday morning- it's usually cheaper. If OH can make it, then I'll book a ticket, if not, we've had a nice morning.

This afternoon we are going to have a go at making pizza then we are going to plant some bulbs together. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you need to stop waiting for him to 'offer' you some time. Do what you and your son want to do- times too precious to wait around hoping he will join you.

I wouldn’t resent the dance class, or the coffee after. I would be annoyed at not being included in the conversation had I made the effort to join the group for coffee. It’s worth having a talk about that.
But I don’t see what’s wrong with Sunday for family outings, or Saturday afternoon for that matter. When we go on ‘day trips’ they’re usually only for the afternoon anyway.

I think you’re being a bit OTT.

Chatting to people after the group is probably good for his mental health.

11am isn’t late to get home. You could still do something together like go out for lunch or whatever.