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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands weekend activity annoyance

141 replies

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:09

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 09/12/2023 12:25

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:13

Huh?
I don’t have a lie in Sunday. Someone suggested that and I said IF I did that we would have no whole day. I hate lies in. If anything he would be the one still in bed on Sunday too.

Also- with the undertones of “allowing”. I “allow” him to go to work early 4/5 days a week while I do school drop off, I allow him to do no school picks ups, I allow him to not have to make dinner 6/7 a weeks, I allow him to get home v late on 2 week days (days where I do school pick up:drop off:work:make dinner and do everything else from wake up to bedtime for our child). He is ALLLOWED multiple weekends away with friends ans nights out.

don’t get me wrong I do things too. I’m not always stuck at home, but I’m going to be very clear this is not a post about a poor controlled man who isn’t allowed to go out and socialise. It’s someone that does a lot and needs to redress the balance.

Show quote history

But you posted

If he’s not back until 11 every Saturday and I lie in every Sunday then we basically have no whole day to do something as a family

So now you don't lie in Sundays? So could do a day out together on Sunday?

Leave him and dd to it Saturday afternoons and get yourself out and do something for yourself.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:25

So he gets Saturday mornings, you get Sundays. What’s the problem?

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:25

SweetSmellingBlackberryStone · 09/12/2023 12:23

I can get your frustration because you sound like you have a lot going on.

But, I think you are being a bit rigid about this.

For one thing, you could always meet him at 10 some weeks and go for a day out. Or, an afternoon out is really not bad especially if your kids are young!

And you say you sleep in on a Sunday, which is understandable. But basically he does something on a Saturday morning, and you do something on a Sunday morning. So both of you are contributing to having no full day together.

Also, I do think that if you had a special trip planned for a whole day, surely he could miss class once in a while?

My daughter has swimming and ballet class on Saturdays until 11.30 but we still manage to have family time.

yes I am quite rigid in thinking. I will accept that. Maybe I need to ask him to skip the odd weekend.

im not sure what I’ve written that makes it sound like I sleep in on Sundays. I’ve maybe reworded or replied to something incorrectly because I don’t. He does. Any day we are off I am up first with our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:26

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:25

So he gets Saturday mornings, you get Sundays. What’s the problem?

I get Sundays for what?

OP posts:
JoyeuxNarwhal · 09/12/2023 12:26

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 11:22

If he’s not back until 11 every Saturday and I lie in every Sunday then we basically have no whole day to do something as a family. We live in a small town so anything we do we have to drive at least 30-40 minutes for.

but I am willing to accept I’m goingOTT. I think it’s the last straw after feeling strung out and busy to hear he has been taking an extra time chilling out with a coffee every weekend.

Don't lie in on Sunday if you want a day out then?

Lemons1571 · 09/12/2023 12:28

I’m with you OP. Life needs a bit of flex in it, particularly with no childcare on tap. My DH is not “allowed” to go and play golf every single Saturday morning come what may. In the same way that I keep my hobby flexible around other family activities. Neither is a priority over all else. Sometimes either of us can have coffee and chat afterwards, sometimes that doesn’t work and we need to get our arses home.

A hobby that one parent is tied into weekly is taking liberties if it makes life more difficult for the rest of the family. I doubt the OP’s DH is going to return from coffee and happily leave the house a minute later for a full “rest of the day” out.

what would happen if you asked him to miss a dance class so you could have a full day out as a family?

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 12:29

OP you’ve really made a lot of progress on this thread. Ignore the posters who have not read your updates and are stuck on the first issue (the hobby mornings).

Your dh, as someone said up thread, is a “main character “ husband who is only alive and fun when he is in public or having his need to preen being met. At home and with you he switches off snd doesn’t waste time or effort parenting or husbanding. You and dc aren’t the audience he craves.

SecondUsername4me · 09/12/2023 12:29

One more time for the op....
go
out
as
a
family
on
Sundays

rainbowstardrops · 09/12/2023 12:30

As you've realised, this isn't just about this morning. You're understandably fed up that he's this lovely friendly character to his dance mates and he wants to socialise with them after but once he's home, he can't be bothered with you and your child. Also, wanting you to magic up a babysitter so that you can socialise with HIS friends, when he's never suggested that for just the two of you.
I hear you.

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:32

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 12:29

OP you’ve really made a lot of progress on this thread. Ignore the posters who have not read your updates and are stuck on the first issue (the hobby mornings).

Your dh, as someone said up thread, is a “main character “ husband who is only alive and fun when he is in public or having his need to preen being met. At home and with you he switches off snd doesn’t waste time or effort parenting or husbanding. You and dc aren’t the audience he craves.

Thank you. I really have.
I kind of wish I hadn’t posted and had though through the situation and posted something that more accurately describes why I’m upset.

Having said that it was the replies that made me really think through Why I was annoyed.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 12:33

If he’s not back until 11 every Saturday and I lie in every Sunday then we basically have no whole day to do something as a family

This was a hypothetical statement. The English is somewhat ambiguous. OP did not mean she DOES take sunday morning. It should read “If I were to lie in every Sunday…”

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:33

Dowhadiddydiddydum · Today 12:26

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:25

So he gets Saturday mornings, you get Sundays. What’s the problem?

I get Sundays for what”

You say you lay in on Sunday mornings. What’s the difference?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 12:34

Hi op i think youve done really well through this thread. Youve stated why youre upset today, read replies, *thought^ about those replies and realised that it is a symptom of a much bigger issue. That’s massive growth and insight in such a short amount of time, it is really impressive.

now comes the hard bit, which is how to tackle it. Some of it could be organisation (and him being significantly less selfish).

  1. Make a packed lunch and pick him up at 10 to go out for the day. That would save two hours immediately.
  2. reorganise meal planning and who cooks. It shouldn't all be on you.
  3. he needs to look at his work schedule and work out his share of pick ups and drop offs. Again, it shouldn't all be on you. He also chose to be a parent. This is parenting.

you need to ensure you are not limiting your career by taking on the bulk of parenting for a man who is inconsiderate, grumpy and selfish. Where will your career and pension be if he walks out?

pikkumyy77 · 09/12/2023 12:34

SecondUsername4me · 09/12/2023 12:29

One more time for the op....
go
out
as
a
family
on
Sundays

But he won’t. And OP has discovered that’s not the issue. Can’t we offer her some support?

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:35

JoyeuxNarwhal · 09/12/2023 12:26

Don't lie in on Sunday if you want a day out then?

Show quote history

That was a response to someone saying let him have Saturday and lie in Sunday. I said IF….

I don’t lie in. I’m a get and go person. Which possibly adds to my frustration. He’s happily sit about do nothing, then moan that we haven’t done anything.

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 09/12/2023 12:35

I really would not begrudge him this time and hobby or the half hour coffee afterwards. It would be a pain if it was in the middle of the day but it couldn't really be more convenient.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 09/12/2023 12:35

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:33

Dowhadiddydiddydum · Today 12:26

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:25

So he gets Saturday mornings, you get Sundays. What’s the problem?

I get Sundays for what”

You say you lay in on Sunday mornings. What’s the difference?

Fgs read the thread! she was replying to someone who told her to take Sundays and waste half a day lying in. She doesnt lie in on sundays! He lies in on sundays.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/12/2023 12:36

OP you are being ridiculous

Borth · 09/12/2023 12:36

I’m finding your understanding of time difficult. We regularly do days out starting at 11 as we have a Saturday morning commitment too. It’s not an issue and that includes mobilising 4 children.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 12:37

JoyeuxNarwhal · 09/12/2023 12:26

Don't lie in on Sunday if you want a day out then?

Show quote history

Read her updates.

She doesn't lie in.

He does.

FourLeggedBuckers · 09/12/2023 12:37

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:22

As I said I think while I’m reading and responding to the replies I’m thinking it through and realising that although I pissed off…it’s not really about this morning it about the whole wider issue. I just got focused on this morning after it happened and when people ask questions like “why not go out after, why not do things sunday”- and I’m realising that it’s a wider issue. Because he is not interested even after 11, he’s grumpy, we don’t do things Sunday because he lies in and he getes stressed about all the DIY etc he has to do.

Show quote history

If you’d started a thread saying you’d like him to get up earlier on a Sunday and engage with doing fun things as a family, you’d probably have very different replies.

There’s a tone to your earlier posts of resentment that he has a hobby he enjoys and has friends at - which is pretty unreasonable. People, even those with small children, should try and carve out lives of their own (and you should have the opportunity to do the same).

If the thread has helped re-frame the issue for you, that’s probably a good thing. Expecting him to get up at a reasonable time on a Sunday, to leave the DIY for another week, and to engage positively (at the very least with your child, if not you) is an entirely reasonable expectation.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 12:38

I see that this thread is attracting those who can't be arsed to read the OP's posts again

JoyeuxNarwhal · 09/12/2023 12:39

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:35

That was a response to someone saying let him have Saturday and lie in Sunday. I said IF….

I don’t lie in. I’m a get and go person. Which possibly adds to my frustration. He’s happily sit about do nothing, then moan that we haven’t done anything.

Show quote history

Realised that afterwards but didn't want to do a dirty delete! Can understand how it's been misconstrued though.

If he's visiting family why haven't you and dc gone with him?

Original poster
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/12/2023 12:39

I think I might withdraw from this thread. I’ve not laid out the situation very well (because posted straight after my annoyance instead of thinking why I was ACTUALLY upset) and I’m too emotional at the moment. Just had a random big cry, so clearly this upset is peaking and coming out today.

I’ll come back to read replies tomorrow when I can hopefully be less emotional and more reasonable.

OP posts:
penjil · 09/12/2023 12:40

On the days you want to do something, then tell him not to do the coffee and chat afterwards and come straight home.
Then you can be on the road to your day trip before 11am. That's plenty of time.

For more local day-trips, coming home at 12pm is fine....then a quick bite to eat, then set-off at 1pm. That's still plenty of time for something close-by.

You don't need to be 'up and at it' at the crack of dawn!