Husbands weekend activity annoyance

[Dowhadiddydiddydum]

DH goes to a dance group every Saturday morning at 8:30. As he is out of home I’m then obviously staying at home with our 4 yr old. He usually arrives home from dance group at 10:45/11ish. This means I can’t do anything on a sat morning and we can’t do anything for the whole day as it’s basically lunch time by the time he is home. So any whole days trips are not worth it if he aren’t leaving until 12 ish.

This weekend DH suggested I join his group with 4 yr old for coffee after as he is away after his group for the weekend. Firstly I’m surprised when he asks me to meet at 10…because that’s when the group finishes. I had assumed the group finishes at 10:30 given the time he arrives back every Saturday morning, but find out no it finishes at 10 but he spends 30-40 minutes talking and having a coffee after. Im happy he does the group as it’s good for his health, but am finding myself pissed off that out Saturdays are curtailed even more because he chooses to chat for 40 minutes after his class rather than head home, for context he works long hours, gets to do the gym x2 in the week and he and 4 yr old have both expressed not having enough time together.

secondly I get pissed off as when I arrive for coffee I end up standing as there are no seats, 4 yr old goes off to play with other kids and DH chats to people from his class. So the family coffee together before he is away is actually me stood drinking coffee alone because DS is playing and DH is chatting about the dance group and an activity they have competing up.

THEN I’m extra pissed off that DH starts talking about an event in a few weekends time with this group. Shall we go together to the event. We can ask someone to baby sit. Well firstly we have no one to baby sit, and never do things together because of this. So I’m annoyed that apparently now this group wants to do something we can apparently magic a baby sitter from somewhere for us, when we haven’t been able to before just for us. Also annoyed that he thinks I’d want to give up a weekend day to spend time with a load of randoms when he barely does anything with DS or me.

for wider context I’m on my period and often very aggy. He also does get to do weekends away and see friends for meals etc so it’s not like he needs this group because has no other social interactions.

AIBU

I did. I should have read them all before I quoted that one though and I can see from the thread I'm not the only one who misunderstood.

Ok, so If he gets stressed over DIY, and that is spoiling the mood, can you not get someone in to do it. It would be worth it to achieve a happy home life.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB
**
read the thread! she was replying to someone who told her to take Sundays and waste half a day lying in. She doesnt lie in on sundays! He lies in on sundays”

ok, fair enough, misread. No need for apoplexy.

Sorry you're feeling shitty

Helpful

Oh good grief OP. I think you know YABU!

So annoying!

It's always the ones that are particularly aggressive to the OP that haven't read the full thread, or if they have lack reading comprehension skills.

FWIW OP I realised that you didn't mean you got every Sunday to lie in.

These threads usually have an underlying issue. Most people with supportive partners wouldn't be upset about the odd couple of hours with him doing something else, which is why you get so many of the martyr, UABVU comments.

But no-one would really want to be with a partner who consistently prioritises his own needs and wants, and is grumpy and dismissive at home and charm personified when out and about.

In what way is the op being unreasonable? Youve read all the thread and reached that conclusion to me suggests you are either the op’s husband or his mum. Raise your own standards.

I thought you were going to say he leaves at 8:30cm and returns at 5pm or something! He is back by 11am and of course people will chat for a little bit after a class. I think you are making this a bigger issue than it is, there is still plenty of Saturday left but if you don’t think so, then don’t lie in on Sunday? 🤷‍♀️. I never understand this Mumsnet obsession with lying in.

YABU obviously

Have you thought that he’s grumpy at home because you moan a lot?

From your OP it sounds like he can’t do anything right and you’ve got an issue with anything he does.
He even tried including you and you are finding that wrong too.

Multiple posters have said about having family days out on Sunday or in the afternoon etc and you are finding excuses.

This sort of energy would get me down and I would prefer to be out of the house.

Sorry OP but I think the problem is with you and perhaps this is something you should be aware of.

He is doing absolutely nothing wrong.
If he’s stopping you from going out then that would be a huge issue but I can’t help thinking that he’s not.

Can I assume you are a SAHP or on maternity leave?
You seem a bit jealous that he’s going out for a couple hours, having fun and giving other people the attention he should be giving you.

When do you go out with your friends?

I think you need to start going out Saturday afternoon with friends or join a hobby and then have Sunday as family day.

OMG @Aprilx read the thread!!!!

Ffs it isnt War and Peace.

how can someone be this judgemental when they couldnt even be arsed to read the full thread?!?!?!

Step away from thread if it's stopped being helpful, but I just wondered if you both have time carved out just for you as a couple? This also sounds a bit like a communication and time for connecting issue and maybe a regular date night would help. So easy to let the work needed in a relationship slip when kids are young.

I also hear that you've got your period and feeling aggy because of that - mine used to be horrific, so I get that too! Good that you're aware, let it pass for now (pamper yourself as much as poss) and talk it through with him when your feeling less aggy about everything. If he's regularly grumpy, things obviously aren't quite right for him either, so you both need to explore it all and make each other feel heard. You perhaps need to try a "when you do X it makes me feel Y" approach and really listen to each other.

OK so I was going to say yabu about the days out but I can see lots have people have already pointed that out that you still have plenty of time to do things together and you have accepted that isn't actually the route of your problems.

Yanbu to be pissed that he invited you along for the coffee and didn't make any efforts to include you. I have severe social anxiety and that kind of situation is my idea of hell and some more extroverted and socially comfortable people will never understand that. There seems to be some issues with your compatibility around him preferring a more relaxed weekend and you wanting to be out doing things and also potentially around how you react in social situations. It might not be a reflection of him not seeing you as a priority but more blind spots from him because you are quite different in your personalities. You see being brought into the conversation and made to feel comfortable as showing you that you are a priority (which I agree with) but if he doesn't understand how you are feeling because he doesn't experience that feeling he might not see it that way (though he should be more sensitive to your needs). Same with not prioritising days out, he doesn't value them the way you do and therefore doesn't consider this not prioritising you and dc because he is more of a homebody.

Obviously I may be wrong and making excuses. Have you tried talking to him calmly about it, not using accusatory language like "you do this wrong because..." but saying "sometimes when you do X, I feel like this..."

@Dowhadiddydiddydum - this again just so you know that many of us have RTFT and understand the issue:

“OP you’ve really made a lot of progress on this thread. Ignore the posters who have not read your updates and are stuck on the first issue (the hobby mornings).

Your dh, as someone said up thread, is a “main character “ husband who is only alive and fun when he is in public or having his need to preen being met. At home and with you he switches off snd doesn’t waste time or effort parenting or husbanding. You and dc aren’t the audience he craves.”

If you do come back, it may be better for you to post in Relationships so people aren’t approaching from an AIBU perspective.

This. When I was younger, my parents would regularly take my brother and me out for days-out and we'd leave the house about 11am as my mother always like a leisurely breakfast and then tit about trying to get her hair perfect.
It was always alright. 11am was a good time to leave even if we went up to London from Kent. It still gave us several hours around the shops in Oxford Street or Regent Street.....or we sometimes went to a museum.

I’d go out just the 2 of you, you and 4yo.
You can’t enforce fun family time on him, it’s not his priority and I guess you have to accept that.
Tbh though I have a suspicion that if
you and 4yo have lots of fun days out together without him, coming back later afternoon when he’s been alone most of the day, he’ll start realising what he’s missing, and those coffees will probably stop..!
worked a treat when I was in your position!

My reading is that he uses diy as another excuse to opt out of fathering or husbanding - it doesn't spoil his mood but he might use the 'stress' of all this diy that he probably does't have to do to let him off doing the family stuff. ...... and if he isn't allowed to do this 'urgent' diy (which he won't miss his hobbies for) he is probably moody again.

In what way is the OP being reasonable?

This is her issue, not her DHs.

He’s entitled to a life outside of the home, just like she is.

If this was the other way around and it was her DH moaning about her class and talking for 30mins after it, working long hours or going away for a weekend etc would you also say that he’s not BU?

He seems to be someone who likes to be the life and soul of the party with his friends, likes being the fun guy, popular - unfortunately that isn't obvious when he is at home doing normal home stuff, sitting playing with DS, picking up DC from school, housework, cooking - no praise of attention there so avoids it as much as he can - and worse is moody and grumpy.
Perhaps he needs counselling to see why he needs attention from others to thrive?
I have known a few people like him, I don't think they change .

You've sort of worked it out yourself.

Feelings of resentment build up gradually over time and it sounds like you've reached the tipping point. So it isn't just about his Saturday morning hobby. It sounds like there isn't a balance whereby you both have an outside interest or hobby, and just be free to do what you want! You're sort of trailing along behind him, fitting in with his interests.

Can you get some time for you to do something just for you?

I can't see any reason why he would need counselling. He seemingly enjoys being out of the house with other people more than he enjoys spending time with his wife and child. It might be productive to have an honest discussion about that.

That's not very nice, is it? The OP is clearly struggling and upset, has a grumpy, moody husband who's nice to everyone but her, and you want to make her feel worse. Go you.

That would annoy me. It’s selfish - taking up family time . Maybe compromise and say he can go every other week - and do a family activity in the alternate weeks.
Men often don’t understand that lives change when you have kids - you can’t just crack on as before .

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad time on this thread @Dowhadiddydiddydum

However, it does appear to have been useful in reframing what’s really going on in your relationship and family life.

FWIW I would ask him to skip some of the sessions so you can be up and out (I am a morning person so I get this) and if not, arrange to do things with DC and your friends/family.

If he really doesn’t want to participate in family life, you can’t force him, and I doubt you would want that anyway. You want him to prioritise time with you and DC. I suspect you will grow further apart if he doesn’t wise up. 💐

Op I completely understand, often we have a underlying feeling of unhappiness or resentment but take issue with a small thing and posters literally jump on you for being petty when really you just moaned about the straw that broke the camels back.

exh used to spend ages going to the barber every 2nd or 3rd Saturday morning. He never booked an appointment and sometimes would be an hour out of the house. If I’d posted moaning Mumsnet would have said I was being unreasonable because I would ask him to have a haircut another time and he wouldn’t. But actually he seemed to pick the exact time I needed to take autistic dc to swimming and gymnastics and it was almost impossible to do both - but I struggled and somehow managed . I think it was just him not coping with family life because since he left he has grown his hair and never has a haircut. Anyway my point is I should’ve realised the haircut was a symptom of a bigger problem and focused on that instead.