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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
balmysummerevening · 09/12/2023 08:20

He's just out of options.

Here's a novel idea- he could go back to work instead of starting some pie in the sky business. Crazy right?

He has options. He just doesn't want to take them.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2023 08:20

BrendaBicycle · 09/12/2023 07:11

What hold does this man have over you?

Do you (secretly?)(deep down) fancy him and hope you could be more than friends one day?

why are you going to suggest other solutions to him such as the hardship fund option at the school?

Basically why do you even accept that HIS problems are YOUR problems? In any way?!

I am worried for you that you still think you owe him your time, your concern, your thoughts when to me it seems very clear he is just trying it on and using you

Oh, for crying out loud! 😠

What a load of rubbish!

LlynTegid · 09/12/2023 08:22

No, and make it the last conversation you have with him. If there is anyone else you both know that he might be approaching, you might consider letting them know so they can be prepared.

DinoDays · 09/12/2023 08:22

I suspect the friendship won't be over!

If he thinks your gullible enough to just hand him money over for his mortgage and kids private school he'll not give up at the first hurdle.

He'll keep you sweet and try and try and try again. Maybe different amounts, or getting you to pay for days out.

He's slime, sly and a disgusting character.

Gnomegnomegnome · 09/12/2023 08:28

The grief magpie. Sorry for your loss @edelweissnights.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/12/2023 08:31

Wtaf? Why on earth would he think you'd want to fund his pie-in-the-sky lifestyle change?! What barefaced cheek!

RudsyFarmer · 09/12/2023 08:32

He wants you to pay for his kids private school fees? Wow!

Toooldtoworry · 09/12/2023 08:32

So he didn't consider his financial obligations before starting his own business and expects you to pick up.the financial burden.

I think fuck off to the far side of fuck and fuck off some more might be the answer here.

What a dick, and I know it's been said but he is NOT a friend.

NameChangeAgain23 · 09/12/2023 08:32

You are unreasonable to not have told him to fuck off and then hung up on him!

Lwrenagain · 09/12/2023 08:32

Op I'm sorry to read about your loss x

Now. Tell this little chancey cunt to go fuck himself with a spiked succulent of his choice.

The entitlement has fucking floored me @edelweissnights what a fucking creature this "friend" is.
If you wanted YOUR FUCKING MONEY to go to children I'm sure the ones who are in literal poverty would be preferable at this time of year.

Honestly the audacity has angered me so much you'd think he'd just asked me for my last tenner for a bottle of gin.
Cheeky cheeeeeky fucker.
Please please don't lend him the steam off your piss!

tara66 · 09/12/2023 08:33

Please say 'NO'. Ask him if he is not deeply embarrassed to ask you for money - as you are by being asked? You will lose a friend who was never really a friend. Just to add my late DH lent a lot of money to several friends before he died. He gave me a list of their names - not one of them paid me back .

Radyward · 09/12/2023 08:35

We own a business whiich has gone thru 2 recessions and us doing very well TG. In the early days my parents offered us money for cash flow. We both said no way. You should never put your own money in to prop up a Business. If its failing it will still do tbat even with investmenf. It will become a money pit!! Like ttnis ' friend" will turn into. Omg how unsavoury. His poor wife / partmer

Bogeyes · 09/12/2023 08:35

Please don't give any money. If the bank won't lend him the money then he's a bad risk.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 09/12/2023 08:37

School fees of £12k per child per term? Really?

Regardless, those sort of fees are not doable on £120k per year. That would be take home of about £77k without pension contributions. No way was he paying £72k on school fees.
That just doesn't add up tbh.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 08:38

No. And don’t give any excuses; just say the money isn’t available. And DONT apologise.

And cut him off. What a snakey prick.

TheNoodlesIncident · 09/12/2023 08:41

You're nicer than I am OP. At this point The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" I would have hung up the phone then blocked him. The NERVE of him!!

Glad you feel the friendship is done and you won't give him a thing.

Matronic6 · 09/12/2023 08:42

If he's prepared to take advantage of your grief for your benefit he isn't much of a friend.
He has made the decisions that have led to this. He can make decisions to manage it and reduce his outgoings.

I wouldn't bring it up again and avoid contact with him.

RandomButtons · 09/12/2023 08:44

He’s not a friend, he’s a freeloader. Don’t give him a penny.

Pay for his kids school fees ffs. It’s not like this man is even actually poor. He’s made his middle class bed and he can lie in it.

barbarahunter · 09/12/2023 08:47

I was once in a relationship with quite a wealthy person, and I couldn't believe the brass neck of some of the people around him. Some openly just asked for money because they knew he had some WTF??

It makes me think about what it must be like for famous and rich people. They must be getting all this shit left right and centre. All very well to say what a nice problem to have, but I imagine it could damage your trust in others if you always had to wonder were they after your money.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 09/12/2023 08:50

OMG run for the hills. Any of these chancers... do not engage.

You do not have anything to lose from not having them in your life. Fucking vultures. I'm sorry for your loss x

Squirrelsbite · 09/12/2023 08:55

He’s an utter git
do not lend a penny
you will never see him or it again or he will be on the cadge for ever more

NalafromtheLionKing · 09/12/2023 08:57

You sound very sensible OP and I would just block if I were you (as you know, this is a user and not a friend). I think it was a good suggestion of a previous PP to say money is all tied up in pension if any other CFs come knocking (before blocking them too).

Have you got a copy of the will? It should specify whether it was a case of “I leave £2 million to edelweissnights” or “I leave the contents of my bank account to edelweinessnights”, so then you would know whether prying eyes know the actual amount you were left or are just speculating.

CwmYoy · 09/12/2023 08:57

Tell him he isn't the first to ask and you say no to everyone.

SantasPronounsAreHeAndHim · 09/12/2023 08:57

If a very close family member, or close friend comes to you and says they are desperate, and they are, then by all means help them if you can.

Anyone else - no.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 08:58

Morning all. No update as yet, but I suspect he'll be in touch today. Either way, I am refusing to get upset about it. Yesterday was a shock to say the least.

I was extremely upset yesterday not because I'm a gullible idiot, but because this was a 10 year friendship and I was appreciative of his support in my grief. I wish he hadn't spoken to me for an hour prior about said grief/movements if all he was doing it for... was to ask for money. The 'faux consideration' hurts more than the money actually. The way he went about it was just... gross.

For those asking… he didn't only recently quit his job, it was a long while ago. I suspect he had savings and blew through them. Plus his bonuses were very very generous. His ex was also working in the financial sector, but I suspect she’s recently quit her job or something to be a SAHM (even though the girls are of day school age) - because that would have been another 100k added to the family expenses - and of course; the school fees and mortgage would have been doable. He comes from a wealthy family who funded his own education until his MBA, so I suspect he's catastrophising more than most in terms of thinking he is destitute.

Remember to these types of men I referred to in my previous posts, 'poor' is considered - a different 'poor' than most of us think. Their idea of 'poor' is not going skiing twice a year. For most people 'poor' is not having money to eat/live. But on the phone he claimed he had 'no other options' - hence why he was calling me. As per my previous posts, I suspect it’s not that he doesn’t even have enough to eat/live - but more that his idea of ‘poor’ means he can’t have everything he wants - whenever/however he wants it.

I don’t think it’s that uncommon for ‘these’ types of men to 'expect' their lives to be funded by family and ‘donors’. Is it right? Of course not!

These ‘men’ as a collective that I’m referring aren’t friends of mine, but I know of many from that circle due to the school/university I went to. The boys were largely Eton educated. (The daughters of this person who is asking for money - both attend the same school I went to - and yes, the fees nowadays really are 12k per term - and that’s just if you’re a day pupil!)

Look at bloody Boris Johnson! All those loans and gifts he was getting from endless people/donors. WTAF?! Remember the Richard Sharp drama? He gave Boris a loan of £800k! Some people just love to throw money at him. It’s mad, but I don’t think it is that crazy in ‘that’ world. Doesn't mean I'm going to splash the cash, obviously - just as most people wouldn't!

P.S. The reason I was asking about the ‘hardship fund’ was not because I was helping him with options, but because I was genuinely curious as to how something like that would work. I had truly never heard of such a thing before (I don’t have children) and was wondering how schools would verify such things. That's all.

OP posts: