Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

[edelweissnights]

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

No way, and if someone treated me like this I don't think I'd ever speak to them again. He probably won't speak to you anyway if you say no seeing as he's clearly only out for what he can get from you. Lend it to him and you'll never see it back again, plus it probably won't be a one off request either if you prove to him you're "good for it".

He is not a friend- he’s a predator.
you would never ever see that money again.

The only thing that could save this friendship is if he called to apologise for his behaviour and acknowledged how unreasonable he had been. And maybe claimed to be drunk. And then never mentions money to you again.

otherwise I think your friendship has had its day. I’m sorry for your loss.

That’s awful, I’m sorry he did that to you. If you get pushback just say the money is tied up and you can’t help But you’d not choose to lend this kind of money even if you could.

Some of these posts are shocking. Money really is the devil.

Just say no.

His sense of entitlement is breathtaking.

i hope he replies….but I doubt he will!

Remember to these types of men I referred to in my previous posts, 'poor' is considered - a different 'poor' than most of us think. Their idea of 'poor' is not going skiing twice a year. For most people 'poor' is not having money to eat/live. But on the phone he claimed he had 'no other options' - hence why he was calling me. As per my previous posts, I suspect it’s not that he doesn’t even have enough to eat/live - but more that his idea of ‘poor’ means he can’t have everything he wants - whenever/however he wants it

You sound very sensible OP and you're exactly right. "Poor" has many meanings and to me, it certainly doesn't include whining about not being able to afford private school fees. I know someone who constantly claimed they were "poor" yet regularly slot into conversations they were spending 5k on Christmas presents for their kids, dropped 10k in a heartbeat on new Venetian blinds for their house, spent money on fillers, botox, designer bags etc. None of those things are wrong of course if you have the money to afford them but they are certainly not necessities of life and not being able to afford every luxury whim you decide you want is certainly NOT being "poor".

We all have to cut our cloth based on our incomings and he is no different to anyone else. Financing someone's luxury choices is utterly ludicrous and he is an absolute selfish twat to expect you to do that.

He's not your friend and I suspect his behaviour now will show you that in full technicolour glory, as he'll either throw an epic tantrum at you for not handing over cash, or ghost you completely now he knows you aren't his personal ATM.

If he was struggling - genuinely - that would be an easy yes. He is so far from struggling. Firm no from me.

He probably couldn’t get a hardship bursary if he has an expensive house and assets but this will depend upon the school and factors such as how much he earns now (I have picked St Paul’s Girl’s School as an example: https://www.isc.co.uk/schools/england/london-area/london-borough-of-hammersmith-and-fulham/hammersmith/st-pauls-girls-school/).

Why can’t this man-baby’s wealthy family step in to pay the fees?

Oh I think he will reply. I spoke to a friend who said to not block him and see how far he takes it. Who knows - he might just back off as I've already said no.

Obviously, emotionally detach first and foremost and consider the friendship dead in the water. Anything he says/does that is unreasonable - or if he keeps calling/pushing - can be deemed as harassment. Mute and then block if need be. But I agree with the PPs who says the friendship is essentially over.

I’m really glad you said no, because I think this would have been the tip of the iceberg.

My mum passed away a few years ago and I inherited a decent sum, which I was planning to use as a house deposit. A ‘friend’ with a chaotic lifestyle (who had already asked if she could move in with me while looking for a job in my local area - no) was aware of my inheritance. She was complaining that she would need X deposit to buy a flat (no shit sherlock, buying a house is expensive) and suddenly had the bright idea that we could buy a place together, using my inheritance as a deposit. I cut contact with her at that point and told her why. TBH there were other reasons too but her absolute inability to see that she was the common denominator in all her problems was the main one, and I wasn’t going to rescue her from her poor choices.

If he is right/confident in saying he can pay me back in a few weeks, (I didn't give him the money) surely he can then pay the school a few weeks later..?

This was going to be my point but you've already made it. The school would wait a few weeks if that's all it was - he could take a mortgage break.
*
I wouldn't go that far. It sounds like he's got himself in a fix through poor judgement and bad decisions and he's trying to do something for his children, it's not like he's trying to fund a crack habit. He's just out of options.*

Oh come on! Thankfully OP is less gullible!

Isn't it awful?! So many people on this thread have had similar/awful experiences. Really sad to hear/read about.

Say no. And if you do it then make sure to get proper contracts drawn up so you could collect against any assets etc.

Not really, The final event was in 2008. Saw them at a family funeral 4 years later, and they acted as if nothing had happened. I found out they had tapped everyone at one time or another.

F* off and block for good would be my response.

Don’t give him money and do not feel bad. He sounds a right cheeky bugger.

I had an ex ask me for money once because he knows I’m well off. And I said no and then her turned nasty! Horrible man no longer a friend let’s just say.

My first thought was Boris Johnson too. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry your so called friend has done this to you. I have 2 very wealthy, very close, friends of 40 years, and there’s no way I’d ask them for money. When we go out the bill is always equally split 3 ways - always has been, always will be (I occasionally wish they’d pick somewhere cheaper though!). Owing them money would change the balance of power and the confidence I and they have in the friendship. The friendship is more important than the money and a ‘friend’ that is happy to upset that apple cart is no friend.

What a nasty piece of work. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry this person is not the friend you thought he was 💐

The daughters of this person who is asking for money - both attend the same school I went to - and yes, the fees nowadays really are 12k per term - and that’s just if you’re a day pupil!)

I think he is hoping that your connection to the school will encourage you to pay the fees.

If he left his job a while ago he's basically used up all savings he had & this is his next tactic. He could have already had help.

How does he know what you inherited? Do you think he downloaded the information from the internet? Or did you say?

I'm intrigued as to how much it is to make people think they can phone to ask. I don't know of anyone who has inherited proper money! You obviously move in different circles to most of us & it's interesting to hear how the rich operate. It sounds like he just expects other people to sort him out.

He will definitely believe he is genuinely your friend, and cares about you - so you ‘should care’ about him. Sociopaths and desperate types like this have a strong cognitive dissonance that means all their own behaviour is reasonable and everyone else must comply.

No, your unable to help, if i was in your shoes id say sorry solicitor has advised i invest the estate.
He should not of given up a £125+ job with out at least a few years back up money until his business gets off the ground.

I only had to read the first few lines when I thought F off you twat to your “friend”.

What an unfeeling, foolish (yeah fine to just jack in a well paying job) and then to say about kids being expensive (no shit Sherlock!) - putting this on you after your relative’s died so no concern for your feelings. The other chancers who ring up in the same vein aren’t your friends either.

Do not lend the money!

This.