Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
ruffler45 · 09/12/2023 07:04

I would have put the phone down on them. Some people have the nerve.

There is a good word for such situations and it is NO

Zonder · 09/12/2023 07:08

'I will be losing my home/kids won't be able to go to school'

If he does respond to your message tell him you have good news! You have discovered that schools exist where you don't have to pay yourself, and that the government fund the school fees. And send him a link to his local state school.

ChaToilLeam · 09/12/2023 07:09

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. And the way some people behave after such a loss - absolutely appalling. What a vulture this man is. Am very glad you are not going to lend to him. The entitlement knows no end.

BrendaBicycle · 09/12/2023 07:11

What hold does this man have over you?

Do you (secretly?)(deep down) fancy him and hope you could be more than friends one day?

why are you going to suggest other solutions to him such as the hardship fund option at the school?

Basically why do you even accept that HIS problems are YOUR problems? In any way?!

I am worried for you that you still think you owe him your time, your concern, your thoughts when to me it seems very clear he is just trying it on and using you

BendingSpoons · 09/12/2023 07:16

He had school fees of £74k a year?!? That doesn't sound doable on a salary of £120k, let alone whilst setting up your own business. He sounds like he was already living beyond his means, even on a massive salary.

I think hardship funds would take a little while to access and require lots of paperwork. However if it really was a case of a few weeks for the first time, I would expect most schools would show some leniency rather than lose them as customers altogether. It's probably not the first time though.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 09/12/2023 07:22

“I’ve been getting a lot of calls with all kinds of business proposals and loan requests since relative died There must be something in the air. Anyone would think I was a bank”
Or.
Why did you give up your well paid job?
If the banks can’t help you then you will have to help yourself and go back to work and save up to start your business. Your first responsibility is to keep a roof over your heads.
Or let the pleas fall on deaf ears.

cerisepanther73 · 09/12/2023 07:23

@BrendaBicycle

that's very good question and post too

Lowena76 · 09/12/2023 07:32

A friend asked if I’d consider buying a house. Then renting it to her way below market value for a year to help her out. As she knew I was “getting a lot” when my dad died…. I didn’t take her up on this idea. The whole chat was a little “your dads died. Let’s spend”.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 09/12/2023 07:35

cerisepanther73 · 09/12/2023 07:23

@BrendaBicycle

that's very good question and post too

It's a ridiculous post and OP has already told him no

Lantyslee · 09/12/2023 07:37

OP I've got friends with kids at private school who have faced financial problems due to one parent having serious long-term illness and not being able to work. The school has been very understanding and has reduced the fees right down to an amount they can cope with so the kids don't have to move when there's already quite a lot of disruption in their lives.

However the process of getting the fee reduction required them to be completely honest about their finances and share bank statements etc. Maybe your "friend" isn't prepared to do that or the school isn't so accommodating?

balmysummerevening · 09/12/2023 07:37

Neitheronethingnortheother · 08/12/2023 23:25

He's not a friend. Friends don't prey on grieving people to try to get money out of them to cover for their poor life choices.

THIS. This man is a parasite - you don't tell someone grieving they are "lucky"- what a cruel and despicable thing to say. You won't get it back btw. He'll just tell you a sob story about how lucky you are compared to him and he can't afford to pay you back.

MeridianB · 09/12/2023 07:47

Well done for saying no, @edelweissnights

Keep saying it to anyone else that comes asking. Hopefully this ridiculous man will disappear.

MrsPerfect12 · 09/12/2023 07:50

Exactly. I didn't give it to him. We simply had a phone call about it. I had to get off the phone anyway - and even after the call I didn't give him the money. No conversation on the phone (or off the phone afterwards) was had about 'send me your bank details' or anythingw

@edelweissnights You were saved by the bell

giraffetrousers · 09/12/2023 07:53

A mortgage and school fees are a bottomless pit as far as lending money. So if you pay say 24k for 2 kids to stay in school for the spring term and perhaps 6K(?) of mortgage over this time - that's 30K. What would you say then when he comes back and says he needs another 40K for the summer holidays and the following terms fees... and if you don't lend it then it will have been a waste that you paid the first 30K as he will lose it all anyway - so you will end up deeper and deeper into the hole of his financial problems with no relief from your burden of taking on his problems

I agree. This debt spiral will never end until he starts actually managing/budgeting his money responsibly. You won't even help him by giving him a lump sum, all it will do is prolong the time he has to face the music and it won't help him because if people keep bailing him out, he'll never actually learn to budget properly. Lending people money who cannot manage their finances helps absolutely no-one- least of all the person in debt.

Ironically, the greatest gift you can give people sometimes is allowing them to take responsibility for their mistakes so they can learn from them and fix them. You are not responsible for his life choices any more than he is for yours. Well done for saying no and if he does disappear or gets angry with you then the truth about your friendship will be revealed- it was never a friendship to begin with. Sorry for your loss x

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2023 07:57

Cheeky sod

Well done for saying no

He may jester. Stay firm

He will lashes have term fees and mortgage to pay so the Asking will be never ending

ThequalityoftheReps · 09/12/2023 08:03

Asking a grieving friend for money you know they have through inheritance is wrong.

He could have phrased his request so differently ie in writing explaining how he pay back and when. All said directly no hints.

I get disproportionately ragey at any form of hinting for anything -just bloody ask!!

He's been so low it's unreal. Does he think you are an idiot!?

Well done for seeking opinion here to back your decision up, and saying no.

FlamingoQueen · 09/12/2023 08:06

If you lend one terms school fees then you are basically agreeing to pay for the rest of their education (next term - oh well you’re just wasting the money you’ve already paid!).
I hate ‘fake’ people and that is what he is. If he needs money that badly, then he should go back to his well paying job for a couple more years!

RoseMarigoldViolet · 09/12/2023 08:08

Say no.

madeinmanc · 09/12/2023 08:13

If you lent it you'd have to anticipate not getting it back as how would he suddenly have the means to pay it back? If he had access to the money he'd have access to it now, too, in all probability but he doesn't.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 09/12/2023 08:14

Reading between the lines I am wondering whether this manipulative leech has actually been sacked and whether there's an addiction in play. He's living way beyond his means from what you've posted OP, but isn't prepared to change his lifestyle and tailor it to his budget. He's transparent and desperate. It would be a no from me too.

BrassOlive · 09/12/2023 08:14

Neitheronethingnortheother · 08/12/2023 23:25

He's not a friend. Friends don't prey on grieving people to try to get money out of them to cover for their poor life choices.

This

Keepinmovin · 09/12/2023 08:15

Well done OP for your clear response back to him. This prob won't be the last request from someone so you'll need to develop a few lines/ways of clearly saying no.
I have found it can be harder with friends to say no to loans. I have one who still owes me a fair sum but now can't even afford the monthly payments so I am not sure when or if I'll ever see the money. It ends up affecting the friendship inevitably (is a fair amount thousands not hundreds).
I now just say simply "sorry I can't" with no further explanation. Because any explanation puts them in a position of being able to discuss or argue. So just "sorry I can't " until they stop

madeinmanc · 09/12/2023 08:17

Neitheronethingnortheother · 08/12/2023 23:25

He's not a friend. Friends don't prey on grieving people to try to get money out of them to cover for their poor life choices.

I wouldn't go that far. It sounds like he's got himself in a fix through poor judgement and bad decisions and he's trying to do something for his children, it's not like he's trying to fund a crack habit. He's just out of options.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/12/2023 08:18

Kleptronic · 08/12/2023 23:22

By all and any gods and none, do not lend the money.

Rgis.

If he wants a loan, he can go to a bank, and if he's good for it they'll lend it, if not, they won't. And if they won't, you shouldn't.

Plus - as another poster has said He's not a friend. Friends don't prey on grieving people to try to get money out of them to cover for their poor life choices.

You may lose him as a "friend", but you'll lose both friendship and money if you give him a loan. What would he have done had you not received an inheritance? Cut back on his spending? Taken his kids out of their expensive school? Got himself a proper job again? Let him do that.

Janinejones · 09/12/2023 08:18

Very sorry that you have lost someone close to you.
This is not a friend, NOT even a nice person.
You need time to sort your brain and your emotions. Just keep on with your old routines and you will adjust gradually.