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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 05:35

Coyoacan · 09/12/2023 02:45

I prefer to lend to women as, in general, they are better at paying back. But it is also better to lend someone a small amount of money you can afford to lose and see if they pay it back

But often these people ask for small amounts, lull the lender into a false sense of security by paying it back, and then borrow a much large sum and then never pay that back.

Perimama · 09/12/2023 05:35

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 02:22

Oh indeed! To be clear, my comment wasn't implying you thought I was offering him too many options or anything. Nor was it a 'clap back'. 😀

I agree it was so sly and underhanded. I think the friendship is over and I hope I don't get any push back. I know he will also try to call and not text if he does indeed want to push back. I suspect I'll get some push back, but ultimately he can't force someone to hand over the money, so I shouldn't be so wound up about it.

Edited
Show quote history

If I were you I wouldn't answer his calls. If it is urgent he can leave a voicemail. Hopefully he'll get the message!

cerisepanther73 · 09/12/2023 05:54

@edelweissnights

Just block 🚫 any calls from him full stop.

He's shown you his true collars that he is an money grabbing Arsehole essentially.!

he is no loss, getting rid of shadey dodgy character like this..

CostedStrikeRate · 09/12/2023 05:55

I said no to someone 20 years ago. It ended the friendship.
I now know that the person is a manipulator who has left lots of people out of pocket over the years.
She has to move cities from time to time, as she destroys her reputation.

fulawitt · 09/12/2023 05:56

Absolutely no. absolutely no reason. You don't have kids why do you have to live as if you all of a sudden adopted a bunch ? If you want to adopt a bunch do exactly that. Say no. You will have to say it multiple times. And nothing else then no. All the best OP. I would also not pick up the phone. only call back those you deem important. It's a very good technique. In six month time there will be less phony phone calls.

Peacheroo · 09/12/2023 06:01

You sound very kind and gracious OP. You've made the right decision. You would have either been saying good bye to the money or the friendship and it's likely he would have been back for more so both would be lost in the end.

I half feel for him. He sounds very desperate so I would be checking in on him as these situations can end badly for men who don't talk. I understand that you may not want to but it's the problems of our own making that can hit the hardest. Eternal regret and what ifs. And this problem is entirely of his own making.

Ploctopus · 09/12/2023 06:05

YANBU - his behaviour was shocking and he’s treating you appallingly. Absolutely refuse, and you don’t have to justify it either.

Almosthadenoughacademic · 09/12/2023 06:08

Late to this and only repeating what everyone else has said, but - bloody cheeky bastard! The utter sense of entitlement that he could even ask someone else to pay his kids private school fees, boggles my mind. If he can't afford them then they go to state schools like most people's kids do. Makes my blood boil.

Gillypie23 · 09/12/2023 06:10

He's not a friend but a parasite. Dont give him the money. Shouldn't have given his job up.

SupermarketMum · 09/12/2023 06:12

What I don’t get is, how is someone earning 120k a year pay for two children to attend private school at £12k per term? Plus mortgage?? Surely that’s nowhere near enough

Maray1967 · 09/12/2023 06:12

StBrides · 09/12/2023 00:10

I don't understand why he threw away a £120k without any savings to cover his mortgage & childrens school fees..!

Yes, someone who does this does not manage money well.

user701 · 09/12/2023 06:16

SupermarketMum · 09/12/2023 06:12

What I don’t get is, how is someone earning 120k a year pay for two children to attend private school at £12k per term? Plus mortgage?? Surely that’s nowhere near enough

Exactly. Unless his wife is a high earner then there have been money problems here for some significant time. The maths simply does not work. He needs £72k from net income before he even starts living. He’s lying about his income.

if he isn’t lying then you’re doing them a favour in saying no since those kids need to move schools immediately,

Justleaveitblankthen · 09/12/2023 06:17

He was on £120K and has no savings?
He's a knobhead aswell as being a CF.
He's no friend of yours.
Get rid.

Sparehair · 09/12/2023 06:20

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 02:10

I actually didn't need to suggest other options to him as he obviously came 'prepared'. I just wish he hadn't spent all that time prior asking me about my loss and how I was... only to then ask for a loan.

He launched in himself about how other options weren't available - so I guess he knew how to play it so that I would think there was no wiggle room. I didn't suggest he take out a bank loan for example, he volunteered that up. The whole thing was just gross and I felt horrible all evening.

The school fees for Spring term is £12,180 per child. He has two children. That's not including the mortgage payments he would want covered too. It's not a small sum of money.

Show quote history

If the school fees are that high then he was previously on a lot more than 120”+”. He’s spending that just on school fees ( pre-tax). Unless his wife works or he’s also got ( had?) family money

IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2023 06:22

Remember that this is not your problem to solve.
Don't get sucked in to making suggestions, or researching things that might help him

All that will do is reinforce in his mind that you need to help.

A simple no, hope you work it out is as far as you should go imo

SeamsLegit · 09/12/2023 06:35

Waiting to hear his response!

Newestname002 · 09/12/2023 06:37

Leeches have no conscience @edelweissnights - especially those who use emotional blackmail to manipulate you into getting what they want.

I agree your "loan" would never be repaid and whatever friendship you had would have disappeared anyway, as he'd be angry when you tried to get him to repay you. He seems to have tried all the usual avenues to borrow from and thought you'd be a soft touch. Well done for staying strong - I'm afraid you may well need to continue to do so with him, and anyone else who comes out of the woodwork to take advantage of your situation.

I have also been in a situation where, some years ago, I was asked for a loan, not even for themselves but for a third party. I knew their history with not paying back money lent to them so, after thinking about it, said no and felt the relief about my decision immediately. Hopefully that means they won't come back to me again.. 🌹

oakleaffy · 09/12/2023 06:39

@edelweissnights NO!

You will never see your money again.

Look how many on here agree that giving {It will be a ''give''} him money will be a disaster.

He can get a new job, the lazy git, not sponge off you.

oakleaffy · 09/12/2023 06:48

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:12

I think he did have savings, but blew through it.

Show quote history

So he's an absolute shocker with money.
If a Bank won't loan him the money, then he surely is an appalling risk.

Shakespeare was so right when he said {Hamlet}

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry''

ActDottie · 09/12/2023 06:53

Do not lend the money! His kids school fees aren’t even a necessity! If he can’t afford private education then he needs to go state.

TodayInahurry · 09/12/2023 06:58

Don’t lend him anything. Apart from sheer cheek, estates take ages to get settled! He is a sponger, not a friend.

Member984815 · 09/12/2023 06:58

Dry begging at its finest. This friendship would be over for me. He's disgusting asking a grieving person while they are so vulnerable.

saraclara · 09/12/2023 06:59

At my father's funeral, as we drew up to the crem in the cars, I saw some very old family friends of my parents who we hadn't seen in a very long time, as they'd moved away. I was really touched that they'd come.

Fast forward a couple of years, and my mum was upset as she didn't have enough money to do something, because she was owed some money that hadn't been paid back. It turned out that these friends had asked her for a loan AT THE WAKE. She'd said yes, and loaned them £20,000. She never saw a penny back.

Same situation @edelweissnights . Their business was in trouble, the banks didn't see them as safe to lend to. Because they weren't. So they took advantage of my mum at her husband's funeral wake. And the business, as expected, folded.

I am still beyond angry, 25 years later.

Catandsquirrel · 09/12/2023 07:00

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a hinter. Spineless. At least have the integrity to ask outright.

Sorry for your loss and well done for saying no.

I would be tempted to remind him that you are recently bereaved and his response in checking your relative's probate records, referring to them as an 'estate' and trying to strong arm you into handing over cash was really disgraceful behaviour in any circumstances never mind these. You might not hear back from him but it would be no more than he deserves.

Please at least don't get into any problem solving- hardship funds etc. His children have free schooling available and he can apply for a job similar to his own. He knows this.

Catsknowbest · 09/12/2023 07:03

He's not a friend he's a vulture! That's blatantly preying on you. Please don't lend him a penny!!