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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/12/2023 16:24

Panama2 · 09/12/2023 15:42

pinkyredrose I haven’t expressed myself well my friend asked to borrowing money twice. She is a very good dear friend who would not have asked unless she had no other option. I didn’t want to think of it as a loan as then there was no expectation in my mind of getting the money back. The situation she was is in means if she is ever able to pay it back it will be some time. I value her friendship and was glad I could help her.

Edited

Oh i see, i get where you're coming from, I'd do the same in those circumstances

Lifesd · 09/12/2023 16:25

He is the cheekiest of cheeky fuckers - tell him to do one.

pinkyredrose · 09/12/2023 16:26

Tellmesomethingidontknow · 09/12/2023 14:50

This thread has struck a chord . I lost my husband and very young child in an accident . My only brother tried to get a very large amount of money from me when he thought the estate was finalised ( it wasn't). I said no and surprise , I never heard from him again . Its been years now but yes , money brings out the absolute worst in people .

So very sorry you had to go through that Flowers

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 16:56

UPDATE!!

So he did indeed try to push back after I had said I could not help.

4 missed calls already (latest one just now) each at 2 hour intervals since late morning - and two messages asking me to ‘call back'. Second message was about calling back 'ASAP’. I've had a day out with my partner and just got in about 20 mins ago (and caught up on these posts), so I wouldn't have had the time to be chatting to him anyway.

It all just feels horrible - but thanks to the advice on here, I am quite detached from it given how mental it all is. I’m sure I will be met with sob stories and/or stifled anger if I call him back. Leaving it.

What a sad state of affairs. 10 years of friendship - with zero prior issues and certainly nothing like this ever happening before… to this.

Yes, the fact that it hasn’t happened before might be testament to how desperate he is, but the way he is behaving (then and now) is not on - and further confirms I was right to say no.

Also, as per previous posts and my own experience too, it doesn't need to have happened before as people obviously change when money is involved or see that they can get a bit of 'free' cash (dressed up as a 'loan').

I was really sad and sorry to see how many other people on this thread have had somewhat similar experiences - or even worse experiences. It's just awful and jaw dropping stuff!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 09/12/2023 16:59

You should be blunt.

You are not entitled to my inheritance.

tolerable · 09/12/2023 17:00

Oh No. Absolute desperate would involve total display cards on table. Not creepy unsubtle "if only...." Hes a chancer. Possibly struglin a bit but reality = mortgage n school fees woulda been in the equation way before job change/start up. If it truley wasnt you can be sure "a couple of weeks" is unlikely.
If you want to soften the No, just say it appears all your finances are currently under scrutiny and you have absolutely no wiggle room,far less sudden dent appearing. sorry for your loss x

Snowdogsmitten · 09/12/2023 17:02

His behaviour was abhorrent. Absolutely revolting. I will be furious if you give him a single penny.

JemimaTab · 09/12/2023 17:04

Oh I’m sure he thinks he can talk you round. He clearly feels entitled to your money (which I’m sure you’d never see again).

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 17:04

tolerable · 09/12/2023 17:00

Oh No. Absolute desperate would involve total display cards on table. Not creepy unsubtle "if only...." Hes a chancer. Possibly struglin a bit but reality = mortgage n school fees woulda been in the equation way before job change/start up. If it truley wasnt you can be sure "a couple of weeks" is unlikely.
If you want to soften the No, just say it appears all your finances are currently under scrutiny and you have absolutely no wiggle room,far less sudden dent appearing. sorry for your loss x

Agreed on all fronts! Also, I was sad to see how many times that 'If only I knew someone that had the money....' line had been used on other posters in this thread. Seems to be a hint that is as subtle as a freight train.

OP posts:
LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 09/12/2023 17:04

A simple No now, and block him.

OVienna · 09/12/2023 17:05

Block him, even if it's just for a few days, to get some space from this and give him time to move on tonhis next 'mark.' So cheeky.

Thedrownedprophet · 09/12/2023 17:09

Ugh! You did right OP. We had a similar friend, not even a very close one, who's opening salvo was:

"Look I need a loan but before I agree to it INSIST we draw up a proper agreement"

Dh laughed in his face

00100001 · 09/12/2023 17:16

Well done OP

madaboutmad · 09/12/2023 17:16

Bloody hell he’s got some brass neck. I’m glad you are resolute OP, he’s a prize chancer.

Epidote · 09/12/2023 17:18

Every day I get amused by the entitlement of some people.
"If I only knew someone with that money" not only doesn't come as subtle to me it comes as proper CF.

The sprinkles on the ice cream was his txt "Call me ASAP".

You have not lose a friend OP, believe me, you didn't.

OVienna · 09/12/2023 17:18

You could text: "I'm afraid I'm tied up with DP today and can't speak. Sorry I can't help, and I understand you may now feel embarrassed for asking which I'm guessing is the reason for all the calls? Listen - no harm done and you're not the only one to ask either - I do have to protect myself from any more of these requests now though. Take care."

Singleorigincoffee · 09/12/2023 17:20

I think you need to listen to Dave Ramsey lol

Say no!

OVienna · 09/12/2023 17:20

Then block.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 17:23

Just block him. At this point you’re engaging with this farce.

AnaMRT · 09/12/2023 17:25

I’m sad for you that 10 years of friendship came down to this. Maybe he’s calling to apologise. Maybe hear him out. If he asks again then you can say I categorically can’t help financially but I’m always here for emotional support. I bet you won’t hear from him again.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 17:29

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 17:23

Just block him. At this point you’re engaging with this farce.

He has been blocked post calls/texts today. Remember, I had muted him so didn't know he had called/texted until I actually had to go searching to see if he did and I was busy until about an hour ago anyway.

When I saw that he did call and text (upon getting home), I just left it - and blocked before it continued and escalated - which was what I said in my posts yesterday anyway as I suspected he would push back. I have read receipts turned off too, so it's not like he knew I opened the messages.

It doesn't matter either way at this point as I had to block him, which is the bottom line.

OP posts:
PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 17:32

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 17:29

He has been blocked post calls/texts today. Remember, I had muted him so didn't know he had called/texted until I actually had to go searching to see if he did and I was busy until about an hour ago anyway.

When I saw that he did call and text (upon getting home), I just left it - and blocked before it continued and escalated - which was what I said in my posts yesterday anyway as I suspected he would push back. I have read receipts turned off too, so it's not like he knew I opened the messages.

It doesn't matter either way at this point as I had to block him, which is the bottom line.

Show quote history

That’s good. As I said earlier, I just don’t think it’s good for you to ‘see how low he would go’ (apologies if they are not quite the words your friend used) as it is only you who could get hurt. He’s a total wanker. He’ll realise soon enough that he is blocked, but don’t out it past him to try and engage you in other ways. If he turns up at your door, just it in his face.

User13579367337 · 09/12/2023 17:32

I wonder if he was mortified and was wanting to apologise? I guess that’s doubtful tbh

Junemoon222 · 09/12/2023 17:32

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 17:36

AnaMRT · 09/12/2023 17:25

I’m sad for you that 10 years of friendship came down to this. Maybe he’s calling to apologise. Maybe hear him out. If he asks again then you can say I categorically can’t help financially but I’m always here for emotional support. I bet you won’t hear from him again.

He could have been calling to apologise, but I doubt it. I think he would be doubling down if anything. He's blocked as I needed space to think and last night was totally ruined and I didn't want to waste another day questioning what sort of 'friend' he was.

If he really wants to apologise, he can email me - which is less intrusive than calling constantly. I just didn't want my phone ringing off the hook (hence the muting) but I did want some space as it made me feel horrible.

To be frank, it was more that he we spoke for an hour about other things (largely grief)... only for him to launch into his money issues and ask for a loan. Thats' the part that gets me - and the part that wound me up the most - more than the money itself! I'd respect him more if he was just upfront and honest - rather than using my grief as a way to see how things were going and how far along we were in the process etc...

OP posts:
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