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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:

ripplingwater · 09/12/2023 14:33

Some of these posts are shocking

Yup. I inherited quite a bit of money from my dad a few years ago. I'm an only child and lost my mum young so it all came to me. I didnt tell a single soul how much it was (apart from DH who never talks to anyone about money). I've learnt harsh lessons from others who did, and then the vultures came crawling out of the woodwork- people who didnt give a shit before but suddenly started faux caring when they knew money was involved.

When anyone asked me about it (and surprisingly quite a few did) I just said very vaguely that I had lots of debts to pay off from his estate and that there probably wouldn't be any left afterwards. It was a complete and utter lie but I don't give a flying fck, no-one has the right to know how much is in my bank account and I don't go around asking others how much savings they have for example. I am so glad I did that as it immediately shut down all the fake friends who suddenly showed faux concern and any potential begging requests. I will do the same thing when I win the lottery (not a single person will know!) 😝If they ask me where my new fancy house came from I'll tell them I took out a huge mortgage and am in debt up to my eyeballs!

Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 14:38

ripplingwater · 09/12/2023 14:33

Some of these posts are shocking

ive always said if i got a large lotto or inheritance, that it is only me and the bank manager or account manger would know.

ripplingwater · 09/12/2023 14:40

ive always said if i got a large lotto or inheritance, that it is only me and the bank manager or account manger would know

Very wise. I'd definitely help the people I care about but it will be on my terms, because I want to, not because people who don't even like me are trying to manipulate/coerce me.

Epidote · 09/12/2023 14:44

Say no, please say no. No a penny.

roses2 · 09/12/2023 14:48

This reply has been deleted

We've removed this post as it felt intrusive.

Tellmesomethingidontknow · 09/12/2023 14:50

This thread has struck a chord . I lost my husband and very young child in an accident . My only brother tried to get a very large amount of money from me when he thought the estate was finalised ( it wasn't). I said no and surprise , I never heard from him again . Its been years now but yes , money brings out the absolute worst in people .

Fortunefavoursthebrave · 09/12/2023 14:51

Whatever you do, please do not lend this CF a penny! The audacity of this man is off the scale

Kissmystarfish · 09/12/2023 14:55

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:04

Does a hardship fund mean you can delay payments? How does it work?

If he is right/confident in saying he can pay me back in a few weeks, (I didn't give him the money) surely he can then pay the school a few weeks later..?

Show quote history

Don’t do it. You’ve got pages of don’t do it and you’re still asking if you’ll get it back?

madness. You won’t ever get it back. Only give what you can afford to lose

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 15:00

Do you think this sort of chancer wouldn't have done this if you'd been married to someone in his circle?

It's really shocking. He ended the friendship the moment he made that call.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2023 15:00

Id text your refusal rather than speak to him and let him try to persuade you... MAINTAIN A HARD LINE WITH THIS USER.!!

Reality?? He is a drama llama....
Yes his kids MAY have to move school...
He MAY have to downsize or delay mortgage repayments...

NONE OF WHICH ID YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO SORT...

And he voluntarily gave up a very well paying job which would have paid said school fees and mortgage... 🙄.

He's utterly grim for approaching you too....

I've come across chancers like this... He WILl not pay you back... My guess he'll just disappear..

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 15:03

He must have been kicking himself that he spent so long commiserating with you that the delivery guy arrived at the same time he was putting his case forward for you emptying your bank account! It's like a scammer who's just got close to his goal when the victim's phone battery dies.

Kissmystarfish · 09/12/2023 15:04

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 08:58

Morning all. No update as yet, but I suspect he'll be in touch today. Either way, I am refusing to get upset about it. Yesterday was a shock to say the least.

I was extremely upset yesterday not because I'm a gullible idiot, but because this was a 10 year friendship and I was appreciative of his support in my grief. I wish he hadn't spoken to me for an hour prior about said grief/movements if all he was doing it for... was to ask for money. The 'faux consideration' hurts more than the money actually. The way he went about it was just... gross.

For those asking… he didn't only recently quit his job, it was a long while ago. I suspect he had savings and blew through them. Plus his bonuses were very very generous. His ex was also working in the financial sector, but I suspect she’s recently quit her job or something to be a SAHM (even though the girls are of day school age) - because that would have been another 100k added to the family expenses - and of course; the school fees and mortgage would have been doable. He comes from a wealthy family who funded his own education until his MBA, so I suspect he's catastrophising more than most in terms of thinking he is destitute.

Remember to these types of men I referred to in my previous posts, 'poor' is considered - a different 'poor' than most of us think. Their idea of 'poor' is not going skiing twice a year. For most people 'poor' is not having money to eat/live. But on the phone he claimed he had 'no other options' - hence why he was calling me. As per my previous posts, I suspect it’s not that he doesn’t even have enough to eat/live - but more that his idea of ‘poor’ means he can’t have everything he wants - whenever/however he wants it.

I don’t think it’s that uncommon for ‘these’ types of men to 'expect' their lives to be funded by family and ‘donors’. Is it right? Of course not!

These ‘men’ as a collective that I’m referring aren’t friends of mine, but I know of many from that circle due to the school/university I went to. The boys were largely Eton educated. (The daughters of this person who is asking for money - both attend the same school I went to - and yes, the fees nowadays really are 12k per term - and that’s just if you’re a day pupil!)

Look at bloody Boris Johnson! All those loans and gifts he was getting from endless people/donors. WTAF?! Remember the Richard Sharp drama? He gave Boris a loan of £800k! Some people just love to throw money at him. It’s mad, but I don’t think it is that crazy in ‘that’ world. Doesn't mean I'm going to splash the cash, obviously - just as most people wouldn't!

P.S. The reason I was asking about the ‘hardship fund’ was not because I was helping him with options, but because I was genuinely curious as to how something like that would work. I had truly never heard of such a thing before (I don’t have children) and was wondering how schools would verify such things. That's all.

It would be a bursary. Children who have previously gone to the school and then parents lose their jobs for example will be higher on the list than someone else asking for a bursary for a low income.

he can enquire at the school

BestBadger · 09/12/2023 15:14

Never loan money. If you can and want to, give it. Loans rarely end well.

OftIwandered · 09/12/2023 15:15

So glad you have said no with an easy conscious and sorry your 'friend' behaved like this. To describe you as "lucky" because you don't have children was absolutely vile. What would he think if you had sympathised with his "bad luck" that nobody in his life, that he cared about, had died and left him an inheritance?

LanaL · 09/12/2023 15:17

I’m so sorry you have people like this in your life. To see someone grieving and all it does is make you think they can financially benefit you is terribly sad.

Its embarrassing to heavily hint during a phone call about your grief . I would still be suggesting you said no , but if he had asked and came at you with a plan about repayments etc that would have at least been a tiny bit more respectable . He’s not in a dire situation , there are people out there with children not knowing how they are going to buy their weekly shop let alone their rent and this man has given up a job with an extremely high salary because he wants his own business and you are supposed to feel sorry for him because he can’t afford his mortgage or his children’s private school fees ? Maybe he should have thought about that before giving up a salary that I’m sure could very comfortably pay for his outgoings .

Wether you have children or not is irrelevant. He made the choice to have children and it is your money.

I would highly suggest you do not lend him the money. He clearly thinks you are loaded and somehow don’t deserve it as you have no children, I would imagine repayments to you would not be a priority and you would have sob stories of him not being able to afford it and you should just accept that because he has children and you don’t .

I feel really angry for you OP .

Hatty65 · 09/12/2023 15:20

If you have call ID I wouldn't answer if he calls again.

If you do answer a phone call from him the minute he mentions money I would quietly put the phone down without saying another word.

Wisenotboring · 09/12/2023 15:22

Do not lend him.the money. There are sensible ways of dealing with financial struggle and expenses such as school fees. An unsecured loan from a friend is not one of them.

pinkyredrose · 09/12/2023 15:27

Panama2 · 09/12/2023 11:16

A friend of mine asked to borrow some money and I glad got it for her I didn't say to her but I regarded it as a gift. She did come back again and again I got her the money. I did it without any expectation of getting back she was in a dire situation and I was pleased to help her unlike your so called friend who seems to be looking for someone else to fund his lifestyle

You were pleased to help someone who borrowed money, didn't repay and kept coming back for more?

Wow.

Hippodogamus · 09/12/2023 15:32

This is outrageous. He is not your friend.

If you do want to give money away, please give to charity instead.

Panama2 · 09/12/2023 15:42

pinkyredrose I haven’t expressed myself well my friend asked to borrowing money twice. She is a very good dear friend who would not have asked unless she had no other option. I didn’t want to think of it as a loan as then there was no expectation in my mind of getting the money back. The situation she was is in means if she is ever able to pay it back it will be some time. I value her friendship and was glad I could help her.

ChanelNo19EDT · 09/12/2023 15:45

Chiming in late but he shouldn't ask! I learned this lesson very young. Lent a friend money and when I had to ask for it back the second time, her mother came over to ''inform'' my mother that her daughter was behaving like a loan shark. Wow. I never got the money back so I was a hopeless loan shark. Asked politely twice.

topnoddy · 09/12/2023 15:45

The simple answer to this is summed up in three words

Not my problem

I'd never lend a friend a large amount of money whatever the circumstances , 10 or 20 quid fair enough .

Vinrouge4 · 09/12/2023 15:49

His school fees and mortgage are not your responsibility. You don’t have to give a reason to say no.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/12/2023 16:11

The minute anyone mentions the money I would put the phone down.

Bobsyouraunty · 09/12/2023 16:21

I hope you’re hanging in there op. Please remain firm if he tries it again

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