Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

[edelweissnights]

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

Ooh, what a horrible person, and not a friend at all !!! I remember a few years ago, maybe 10 years ago, I got an inheritance from an aunt. Nothing massively major. £3500. There was this person at DH's work who actually had four different smartphones, (2 of them Apple phones,) and a two year old car, and they were dripping in gold jewellery. They also went out pubbing and clubbing at least 8 to 10 times a month. They were not broke!

When my big mouth husband decided to drop it out at work that I'd had a £3500 inheritance, this colleague was all over DH, saying they need money for their rent. They're three months behind and they're terrified they're going to be evicted, and they really could do with £1500. 'I'll pay you back, I promise' they said.' DH said 'how when are you going to pay it back? If you're three months behind already?' They said 'I'll pay you back. I just need £1500. You've got the money. You've got 3.5 grand spare.'

DH said my wife is the one who has the money actually. I haven't.' They said 'Oh no, it's not. It's family money.' As soon as he told me about it, I was like '100% no fucking way on God's planet is that person getting hold of our money.'

Absolute cheek! Funny how people sniff around you when they know you've got a bit of money. I've come into a bit of money only a couple of years ago as well. (The low 5 figures.) Me and DH haven't told anybody not even our adult children. They'll probably get it eventually anyway.

It's amazing how many people will sniff around - and even turn up to funerals of people they have had nothing to do with for 20 years or more, to try and get money. This is why me and DH are having direct cremations. Don't want any fucker from the past who has had naff-all to do with us this since the last century, turning up, pretending they care that we're dead. And then poking around trying to see what they can get/cadge/steal!

If he asks again, I'd say something along the lines of 'Since the bereavement, I've had a nonstop stream of requests for money from all sorts of people. I've been a little overwhelmed by these requests, especially as I'm still coming to terms with the loss of <family member>. I don't have the money to help everyone so will be saying no to all these requests, including yours. I will be focusing on how I can use the money to secure my own future - as you rightly pointed out, I don't have any DC to care for me in my later years. "

Just act surprised and say the money is tied up.in your holiday villa and yearly cruises, say you wish you had children "so I wouldn't have got used to such frivolous things! It's absolutely dreadful they cancelled free education, I feel awful for all you parents!" Before asking if he could possibly lend you a couple of hundred as you haven't ordered your turkey from Waitrose yet, and assure him he'll get it back as long as "I do ok at the poker game this week"

The "friend"......

I'm amazed that 1% of people have voted YABU!

As someone who is very recently bereaved, I am absolutely furious on your behalf, @edelweissnights. You are in a vulnerable state and this man is trying to take advantage of you. Even if you had a spare £10 million, I wouldn’t give him a penny. It’s the principle - he’s tried to manipulate you and it’s so, so abhorrent.

As an aside, I will give to family who need it, but I’ll never lend money to anyone. Fastest way to ruin a relationship.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do take care of yourself and cut loose any leaches like this who just don’t care about your emotional well-being. If he can’t be a decent human and friend, there will be others out there.

Agree with everyone he is a total cf. I'm also very recently bereaved and this has changed my financial situation. Not perhaps on the scale of the op but I shan't be lending/giving anyone e clot my dds and money.

Cuts both ways ya know - would this friend give you money if you were destitute? I doubt it.

Tell him to eff off.

As someone who underwent a decade of infertility I struggle to think of many more offensive things to say than 'Your lucky you don't have kids'.

People are lucky TOO have kids.

Don’t send your kids to private school/quit your job if you can’t afford it. Not your problem.

Before we had children we were once asked by good friend if we would co-sign for a large loan, as I was just pregnant we said sorry but no, we didn't know what the future held, heard little from them as we were living abroad and they were on the UK. Fast forward 6 years, we were back in the UK with two children and the husband of the couple landed on our doorstep. He'd just been released from a psychiatric unit after he'd tried to kill himself when his wife walked out with their children to live with another man miles away after physically and mentally abusing him for years and leaving masses of debt behind for him to handle. I said that I hoped our refusal to co-sign for the loan hadn't added to their difficulties and he was appalled, he knew nothing about it and was glad we hadn't been trapped by her many schemes. She was now on her third other man, he managed to get his life back on track with a decent woman and their children were sent at their own request by her brother to live with them! There are some horrible people out there with regards to money.

You're as wicked as me, love it, except you forgot to add that your lottery ticket would win, you feel it in your water!

😂oh please do this! You could add that you are having to have all your jewellery cleaned and take on a full time housekeeper.

How foul that death brings out the absolutely disgusting side of people. Calling OP and trying to get a slice of money. I hope you tell them all to fuck off.

I just scrolled through your posts desperately hoping to get to the bottom and see that you’d said no. I’m relieved for you! Absolutely no way should he be putting you in this position. There are plenty of options he should be trying. The neck of him to jack in a £120k job and then ask other people to pay private school fees and his mortgage for him! You’re probably spot on with your gut sense that he’s come you to with the assumption that you’re the emotionally fragile, wealthy easy option. How dare he. You’re no fool, clearly! I’m sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t lend someone who has kids in private school money. Surely asking for a loan is last resort - ie you’ve cut back everywhere else possible (taken kids out of school!!). And then he asks so cheekily - absolutely not, and bin him as a friend too.

YANBU to say no. Cheeky twat.

Don't lend him anything.

Sorry for your loss OP. For me, it's concerning that the request has been made at a time when you're feeling vulnerable. This would make me question the friendship.

That aside, it's irrelevant whether you're in a position to lend the money. I would say that 'I don't lend money to friends anymore as it's caused problems in the past'.

You were right to post here, thank God you did. Cheeky sod. He knows grieving people are easy to prey. Sorry for your loss.

@Arniesleftleg

I have an old friend, over 20 years, and hadn't heard from him in a long time. I knew he'd got into drugs and lost everything, wife and kids etc. He was always very good at rebuilding his life, but one day out of the blue he contacted me

I had a friend in the 1980s and 1990s who moved away and then came back about 2005. They rang me up one cold January and said they needed £10 for the pre-pay electricity meter in their housing association flat. They needed it in coins. I went and got ten one-pound coins. They came and got it. A week later I saw someone who knew us both, and mentioned it to her. 'Oh, you as well?' she said. It turned out our friend has used the same story on 10 people in one day, got £100, and spent it all on crack.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The way I'd deal with that funds vulture (because that is what he is) would not be to offer my money, but perhaps if he felt up to it, I'd offer my time to go through his finances and offer suggestions of where they could begin to budget to cover whatever costs he thinks he may have, or to offer to go over his CV so that he could perhaps look for a job to tide him over until his new 'business' gets underway. He needs to be self sufficient and if that means that his kids have to change schools, then they change schools.

The number of people who appear before the Dragons in "Dragon's Den" who jack in their career, spend £000's on an idea that isn't going to make it big and essentially have a nice hobby but not a successful business is staggering. Be one of the Dragon's who says "I'm out!" and don't invest.

I'd avoid all further phone calls for a while. He is using you. I don't believe he wants to borrow a large amount of money, just for a few weeks?! The school are very understanding about late payments, but have to be notified beforehand. He's taking advantage of you and feels entitled to your inheritance. I'd message back saying, "my financial advisor has suggested that I invest my inheritance". Because you'll lend it, he'll never repay it then you'll never be friends again. A side note, if he cannot afford school fees now, how is he going to pay it next term?! He's clearly lying. That's not a good friend to have.

Do not give him a single penny please!

Christ no, sorry. She should not spend any energy on this emotional vulture.

£120k pre tax with two at private schools is not realistic. At least in London with a mortgage. May be this person has been being stretching it for a while even before leaving the job. Do not feel like you need to engage with this person any further.

@OVienna, the only reason I'd made that suggestion is because I believe men like the one the OP is currently dealing with tend not to be in the slightest bit interested in opening their bank details up to scrutiny or their CV either, so she would be seen as being generous to have offered but they will back away faster than you could imagine.

I really wasn't thinking that the OP would have to give up anything, time or money to be honest.