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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/12/2023 11:00

Just seen the update with the info that he is divorced and these are day fees. Divorce is expensive. And they appear to have chosen the most expensive day fees in the country. Time for him and his ex-wife to cut their cloth. Either they return to city jobs or they move their children to the state sector. And if he can’t pay his mortgage then he will have to downsize. He might think he is facing the abyss, but he is just going to have to get used to the lifestyle most middle class professionals work hard to achieve. He might even find his girls make lovely new friends at a school walking distance from home and that it all works out for the best.

Cailleachian · 09/12/2023 11:06

" As if your position having children or not means you don't deserve to keep money that is rightfully yours"

As I've got older, I've noticed a pattern of men circling single women who inherit without children as its assumed they dont "need" the money.

Two friends, sisters who never married, inherited a substantial property portfolio from a relative's death two years ago. Since then their two brothers, cousin and nephew have been trying all kinds of schemes to manipulate them out of these properties, mainly through sabotaging their cashflow then coming up with grand plans to "solve" the problems that they have created.

I'm not even convinced he does need the money, it could just be that he sees an easy mark.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 09/12/2023 11:08

Just no! If he's asking for a "loan" from you and not the bank or putting on his credit card he's financially overstretched and up shit creek and should be cutting his cloth to match his income.

Have sadly been in a similar situation and lent a sum which has never been returned (despite numerous promises). It has destroyed our relationship.

NWQM · 09/12/2023 11:13

I normally don't worry about not commenting on posts that I don't feel I can add anything different but I feel the need send a virtual hug to the OP and all who have shared their stories. People can be so selfish and cruel. I am sorry you have all been through this. Stay strong.

Arniesleftleg · 09/12/2023 11:14

Please do not give him the money. And please do not feel guilty about not giving it to him.
I have an old friend, over 20 years, and hadn't heard from him in a long time. I knew he'd got into drugs and lost everything, wife and kids etc. He was always very good at rebuilding his life, but one day out of the blue he contacted me through FB messenger and started talking about how there was this 'great' business he wanted to invest in. All the chat for an hour and then the 'if only I knew someone with some money who could help me out!' Crux, I don't have money but have more than he ended up with in the way of my family. I just waited him well and hoped he would be successful and cut the call short.

These people are risk takers, as well as piss takers. The likelihood of you seeing that money without a battle is poor.

Panama2 · 09/12/2023 11:16

A friend of mine asked to borrow some money and I glad got it for her I didn't say to her but I regarded it as a gift. She did come back again and again I got her the money. I did it without any expectation of getting back she was in a dire situation and I was pleased to help her unlike your so called friend who seems to be looking for someone else to fund his lifestyle

Londongent · 09/12/2023 11:21

If he replies, he will lay on the emotional guilt as thick as he can.
It is pure manipulation. I guarantee he won't pay it back either. He believes he is entitled to your money.

Yalta · 09/12/2023 11:23

I wouldn’t lend him money just based on his business and financial acumen

What budget did he make when he left his job to set up his own business knowing that he wouldn’t be getting in any salary or bonus

What was the forecast for the company starting to make a profit.

If both himself and his wife have no income then he needs to do what everyone else does in these situations and get himself to the nearest Uni Cred office and sign on.

A lot of these issues could have been averted if he had made a realistic business forecast and budget

We Buy Any House, We Buy Any Car and the local Primary Schools are the way to go if having no income and bills needing paying

The hard decisions of what needed to go to fund this business venture needed to be made when he decided to give up his job and start this business

Either his bonuses were incredible or his wife out earned him because those school fees would have virtually taken up his monthly salary

I suspect his wife has given up her job because she doesn’t want to end up in the scenario where she is working f/t and paying him maintenance to stay in the family home and look after dc and she only sees dc EOW.
Why should she get punished for being the sensible parent one

She probably gave up her job to establish hers of as the primary parent and will then issue divorce proceedings as she sees equity and savings disappearing and wants to grab what she can before it gets sucked up by bankruptcy proceedings

I suspect divorce proceedings are on the horizon

littlehorsesthatrun · 09/12/2023 11:27

This person is not your friend because a true friend would never take advantage of someone who is grieving. I would not lend him the money and would be cutting ties. Sadly money brings out the worst in people when there is a big inheritance. I’m really sorry this happened to you.

Borth · 09/12/2023 11:37

Absolutely don’t give any of these spongers anything. They are preying on your grief.

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 11:44

People who don’t think about the full set of implications of choosing to send their kids to private school are absolute idiots. The man is a fool. Sorry for your loss.

jollywhite · 09/12/2023 11:44

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MONEY!!!

Seriously, tell him to do one. You will never see it again. He's not a friend (even if he was, do not ever lend money , only give it away)

Strictlymad · 09/12/2023 11:46

My motto is never lend any one anything. Offer a gift to someone in dire strates who a) hasn’t asked b) really will starve and c) it’s not to pay back. None of these apply!! He’s a cheeky wotsit who can move his kids schools

Yalta · 09/12/2023 11:47

Just realised he is divorced already. That makes me think he really has lost the plot if he is on his own with no income What on Earth made him think that he could afford to give up his job.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 11:58

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 09:13

Oh I think he will reply. I spoke to a friend who said to not block him and see how far he takes it. Who knows - he might just back off as I've already said no.

Obviously, emotionally detach first and foremost and consider the friendship dead in the water. Anything he says/does that is unreasonable - or if he keeps calling/pushing - can be deemed as harassment. Mute and then block if need be. But I agree with the PPs who says the friendship is essentially over.

Show quote history

I would block anyway. Do you really want to ensure him trying to convince you further? Dont put yourself through that. You’ve said no, I would block him and never talk to him again. Maybe he will learn he can’t treat people this way.

laveritable · 09/12/2023 12:02

I've been BURNT so many times! NEVER AGAIN!

Isometimeswonder · 09/12/2023 12:02

Ditch anyone who asks you for money during a time you should be grieving.

Nonimai · 09/12/2023 12:07

Please do not lend anyone money - at all. They are preying on you at your most vulnerable which is truly horrible. You don’t need to give an excuse but sometimes it is easier. Tell everyone that probate will take ages and you aren’t likely to see any money for several years. Even then most will go to charity etc. I have not been exactly in your position but my circumstances did dramatically improve - you lose friends - whether you change, cease to have things in common, jealousy - I don’t know - but you won’t necessarily keep the same circle of friends.

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 12:07

Please don't lend him the money, OP.

I doubt very much you'd get it back and it really isn't your problem. It's incredibly unreasonable of him to have put you in that awkward position.

Concentrate on yourself. It sounds like you've been going through a lot. You don't need other people's dramas right now.

Southpoint · 09/12/2023 12:10

The perils of a risk taker. This is not a good time to start a business even more so if you have commitments like that. Poor kids but it is not your burden and you can’t help.

AliceOlive · 09/12/2023 12:10

The best answer I’ve heard when someone tells you a problem and tries to make it your problem is “Oh no!! What are you going to do?”

Puts them in notice that you are taking it up for them.

balmysummerevening · 09/12/2023 12:21

AliceOlive · 09/12/2023 12:10

The best answer I’ve heard when someone tells you a problem and tries to make it your problem is “Oh no!! What are you going to do?”

Puts them in notice that you are taking it up for them.

LOVE this. I used to take on everyone's problems until I got completely burnt out and it started detrimentally affecting my own mental health. No more. I can only be responsible for my own life. I don't expect others to sort my personal issues for me so why on earth would I do that for others?!

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/12/2023 12:25

This person is not a friend. Block him and don’t engage , his attempt to manipulate you at a time when you are grieving and vulnerable is unforgivable. Please tell your partner about this .

ememem84 · 09/12/2023 12:39

ah The old “it’s ok for you, you can afford it!” Line. So fun.

GlitteryRainbow · 09/12/2023 12:47

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

I helped out a 'friend' with some money. The electric had run out and she had a pre-pay meter. The first couple of times she borrowed £50 and returned it in a couple of days. Then it turned into a tenner here for electric, £30 there for food. Then driving her all over town to get food from different supermarkets because of fussy eaters. All told I reckon I'm owed £500, she says she'll pay me back but I don't believe her. It was always for electricity or food for the kids so I didn't feel like I could say no.

I won't lend anyone money again.