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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
Iateallllllthepies · 09/12/2023 10:09

£20k loan, even!

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 09/12/2023 10:09

I'm sorry this has happened to OP and so many PPs on this thread.

Like so many others, yes, it sounds like a debt spiral. Until the OP said that the friend had left work some time ago, I wondered if he'd resigned before gross misconduct sacking related to drugs (not uncommon in finance). The addicts in my family and relatives have absorbed everyone's resources and left many people facing an impoverished old age, but they're so used to being rescued that I'm positive it won't happen to them.

I also agree that there would be no end to financing the lifestyle, given the mortgage and children.

Well done for your clear-eyed understanding of just how much you were being manipulated, OP. Be wary that the emotional distress and hints of utter desperation may escalate.

KrazyboutKillian · 09/12/2023 10:20

I know it’s hard when it’s a long standing friend , I had an 18 yr friendship , her marriage broke up and I helped her out , suddenly I turned into her bank . Then she supposedly was involved in a loan shark , helped her out as I was terrified for her , never heard another word about loan shark , since found out no LS , but lots of gambling, owed money to lots of people .
im fighting to get
money back and when I asked her about it suddenly I was the bitch for asking , she was stressed, I will never
loan money again
no good deed goes unpunished!

You sound like a good person , don’t let your kind nature sway you . Let him sort his own shit out cheeky bastard

sorry for you loss

zingally · 09/12/2023 10:21

I hope you told him to fuck off?!

User13579367337 · 09/12/2023 10:27

Shamelessly pm for his response 👀

Cotonsugar · 09/12/2023 10:29

“I’m sorry I can’t help you”. No explanation needed. You need whatever money you have for your own future.

Ellie56 · 09/12/2023 10:30

Neitheronethingnortheother · 08/12/2023 23:25

He's not a friend. Friends don't prey on grieving people to try to get money out of them to cover for their poor life choices.

This in a nutshell. What a despicable horrible man. Block him and any other disgusting vultures who comes after you for money in your time of grief.

I am sorry for your loss, Take care.Flowers

Muffit · 09/12/2023 10:30

Please do not lend your money to this man.
He is not your family, he is not really your friend.

AnaMRT · 09/12/2023 10:31

That’s awful! Hopefully he replies and at least tries to save the friendship (if he ever even considered you a friend). He definitely sounds like he could ask for the hardship fund for fees for private school and downsize home. Maybe even god forbid not go on holiday next year! Sorry you are going through this! I have 4 children and both my husband and I work 12 hr shifts and have never borrowed money from anyone. We have never been in debt or even have any credit cards. Basically if we can’t afford something we don’t borrow money. I just don’t get how people can live way beyond their means like that. So irresponsible!

mumedu · 09/12/2023 10:32

Don't do it. It's not okay on so many levels.

RedHotAirBalloon · 09/12/2023 10:32

Well done OP.

It's strange how some people view other people's money as their own. My brother is like this about our parent's money. He just feels entitled to it.

ChampagneLassie · 09/12/2023 10:33

Honestly he sounds cretinous and you on no way owe anyone anything. I’d not just say no I’d tell him what you told us, he came across as a callous gold digger and his choice to jack in his job and pursue something he’s hardly a charity. Furthermore describing your childlessness as “lucky” is very insensitive.

JollyHostess101 · 09/12/2023 10:34

MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 00:04

I know you said he went about it the wrong way but tbh there was no right way for him to do this. I can't believe that someone would have the actual bare faced cheek to do this. He would have no idea how you would be feeling and probably still grieving. I have just inherited money well I will when the solicitor gets their ass into gear but that's another thread. Not one person has said anything about the money except my dh and the person I am inheriting with.I also have no kids no mortgage dh and I retired with pensions and tbh I keep thinking that this money is my parents hard earned money and I want to use it wisely.

It sounds like they are looking a significant amount and no guarantee it will be paid back even if you do have a proper loan agreement drawn up. If he reneged on this are you prepared to take him to court to get your money back.
Take your time with regards to this inheritance. It's no one else's business and even if considering a financial advisor take your time about who to see and do your research.
If he can get the money within a few weeks why is he asking you for it I smell a rat

Thank you for this…… I’m in the process of inheriting from my Dad and kind of don’t want to earmark it for anything except meaning I might not have to go back to work after maternity leave…… I just want to use it wisely!

OP not quite the same but someone at my dads wake asked if I’d sell her one of dads cars cheaply for their daughter 🤣

madaboutmad · 09/12/2023 10:36

JollyHostess101 · 09/12/2023 10:34

Thank you for this…… I’m in the process of inheriting from my Dad and kind of don’t want to earmark it for anything except meaning I might not have to go back to work after maternity leave…… I just want to use it wisely!

OP not quite the same but someone at my dads wake asked if I’d sell her one of dads cars cheaply for their daughter 🤣

Show quote history

😮

Womencanlift · 09/12/2023 10:38

Would absolutely not bail someone out for school fees. Paying for private school is a privileged choice and if you are not in that position anymore then you do what the majority of the population do and use the state system - you don’t leech off friends

GreigeO · 09/12/2023 10:39

Thank god you said no!

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 09/12/2023 10:41

madeinmanc · 09/12/2023 08:17

I wouldn't go that far. It sounds like he's got himself in a fix through poor judgement and bad decisions and he's trying to do something for his children, it's not like he's trying to fund a crack habit. He's just out of options.

Show quote history

I don’t agree, he’s not out of options at all. He can downsize his home, put his kids into state school like most people do, sell his car, go back to his old job, etc. He’s just too entitled to make any changes. And the way he went about it is absolutely despicable too, so no, he’s not a friend.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 10:41

I’ve had various inheritances over the years which I’ve either spent wisely or spent some of it.

Most normal moralistic people don’t even dream of asking for a share of it, but I have had some people try to advise me to be careful with it. Either way it’s none of their business! I have had people not so much as ask for a loan (they knew I’d say no) but have asked for other things and I either say yes or no but with no/few conditions.

OVienna · 09/12/2023 10:42

Who is in the 1% that thinks the OP is being unreasonable?!

Genevieva · 09/12/2023 10:46

Glad you have made the right choice and said no. He was clearly living beyond his means before he left his job.

£75,000 a year on school fees, plus I imagine at least £25,000 a year on his mortgage, all post-tax, would be every penny he was earning on a salary of £120,000, with no contingency for utility bills, food bills, mobile phone bills… Even if his wife is also earning, this would be a push for most families. And if she is earning well then they have no business asking for money.

£12K a term indicates boarding fees. Maybe he should have been sending his kids to an independence day school on £8K a term.

My suspicion is that their lifestyle verses earnings profile has been leaving a monthly deficit for some time and the issue is greater than a sudden risk of default on the school fees and mortgage. Mortgage providers are usually willing to discuss reduced payments to tide people over. Ditto, independent schools have hardship funds and the bursar will sit down with parents, look at their finances and reach a sensible decision with them. This might involve a short-term bursary while a house is sold to release capital. If he has done all that already then he knows he is never going to pay you back. This means he was never a friend and you are just a disposable means to an end. He has got some serious restructuring of his life to do and the sooner he faces up to that the better.

FancyFran · 09/12/2023 10:47

I am sorry for your loss and the stress this man is causing. I have been rich and poor. Sadly I did borrow money because i was desperate but it is always held over you. One friend even remarked about a loan repaid with interest and a gift 15 years ago! I am now in a very well paid job but it's not secure. I save for the day I get fired and give small amounts to relatives and friends. I always shout the lunch and breakfasts.
A man that wants to start a business with your money is a cheeky fecker. There are lots of loans and grants around. He can apply for those if he has property to secure it on!

IMustDoMoreExercise · 09/12/2023 10:48

It depends how much you like him. I have lent money to a friend for work because I could afford to lose it if she didn't pay it back because I liked her. She did pay it back.

CantGetDecentNickname · 09/12/2023 10:48

If he pushes back or tries again, just ask him why he thinks he is entitled to other people’s money? Why he thinks other people are responsible for his children rather than their own parents? Whether he can see what an awful thing it is to prey on other’s grief? After that I wouldn’t engage further.

notlucreziaborgia · 09/12/2023 10:52

I highly doubt he would pay it back tbh - I imagine in his eyes being able to afford to lend it is the same as being able to afford to lose it. You don’t really ‘deserve’ to keep it, after all you don’t even have kids to support! Oh yeah, and unlike his other creditors, he’s betting on you being swayed by sob stories about his kids too.

Hard pass. If you do lose him as a friend as a result of saying no, then that isn’t in fact a loss at all.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/12/2023 10:54

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

This happened to me as well.

I was told my abusive father removed me from his will because I refused to visit him when he was dying (after years of nc).

Out of curiosity when it became available I looked at the probate and discovered he had left me an equal share to my siblings.

Remarkably after 3.5 years of silence one mention to the family gossip I had a letter asking for bank details a week later and a high five figure sum in the bank shortly after.

id never have been informed of that had it not been public