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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
TheSuggestedAmendment · 09/12/2023 09:32

Real life has obviously come as a massive shock to this guy. £120k is not enough for a family home in Surrey, £40k school fees etc, even if his ex was on £100k. (I wonder what the Ex’s story would sound like…?!)

I work in a City law firm and lots of successful, high earners have their DC in state schools - school fees across a child’s life to 18 are crazy expensive, plus saving for a house deposit, then paying a mortgage etc - they calculate the stress/sacrifice for their family wouldn’t be worth it.

Your friend has done the opposite OP. He’s assumed a lifestyle of great schools and no commute and living in Surrey, and now confused as to why it isn’t all coming easily to him - magnificent entitled Him - when everyone must surely see he is special and deserving.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/12/2023 09:34

TheSuggestedAmendment · 09/12/2023 09:28

He will definitely believe he is genuinely your friend, and cares about you - so you ‘should care’ about him. Sociopaths and desperate types like this have a strong cognitive dissonance that means all their own behaviour is reasonable and everyone else must comply.

But if I think I read the OP correctly he’s not the only one to crawl out of the gutter once they hear about her inheritance.

On another note it’s staggering (I’m child free too) how many people with children assume they’re worse off, I’m better off than them. Well children cost money, I know that! Partly one reason why I didn’t go it alone.

gnarlynarwhal · 09/12/2023 09:35

You won’t get it back. I speak from experience.

Saschka · 09/12/2023 09:35

What a horrible vulture. You would be completely unreasonable to give him anything more than kick in the arse.

He had a £120k per year job and has resigned from it, and wants you to fund him? Absolutely ridiculous. Multiple school fees, and pay off his mortgage? He must want at least a six-figure sum (though if it was £100 it would still be fucking cheeky to think “bingo! OP has been recently bereaved, I’ll cadge some cash off her!”). It’s also clearly not a loan, and if you give him any money whatsoever you’ll never get rid of him. Those kids will be in private school until they are 18, that is a lot of school fees to pay.

Honestly OP, this person is not a friend, they are an absolutely horrible person. I would block him and I would tell everyone you know exactly why. What a scumbag.

madaboutmad · 09/12/2023 09:36

OP I have many wealthy clients and I can tell you they are a blooming bank for family and friends. Loans for property development, buying houses for family members, loans post divorce, siblings in financial trouble. Honestly, it’s never ending entitlement. All of these wealthy families are lovely and I think feel guilty about their situations and do get sucked in. I’m talking millions. It always always causes trouble and upset in the end.

I’m really pleased you haven’t agreed to this extortion.

slore · 09/12/2023 09:37

I eagerly await your update telling the cheeky bastard absolutely fucking not, and how dare he beg from a grieving friend.

SuspiciousSue · 09/12/2023 09:39

The sheer fact it’s for private school would make me say no. Firstly, the school probably has some sort of fund to help and in real dire straits, he could put the kids in a state school. His mortgage company may give him a payment holiday or put him on interest only. If it was food, I would suggest a food bank or I would consider loading up a supermarket gift card with an amount I felt appropriate and giving it to him. Whether that’s as a gift or a loan is your choice but tbh, you’re never going to get it back so near that in mind when making your choice.

jeaux90 · 09/12/2023 09:39

There is no way I would leave a job with those kind of financial commitments.

If he can afford to pay you back quickly he can negotiate the same with the school fees and mortgage.

MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 09:42

I'm actually wondering how he afforded the fees and mortgage on a 125k salary. The fees alone if 12k per term work out at 72k per year for 2 kids. So he was probably struggling before he jacked in his job and mistakenly thought having his own business was the way to go instead of moving the kids to state school and maybe downsizing his house. Cutting your cloth according to what you earn. Wanting the champagne lifestyle on maybe not beer but cheap wine money

Anywherebuthere · 09/12/2023 09:45

I can't believe anyone actually voted YABU!

Glittertwins · 09/12/2023 09:46

Just read all your posts and good on you standing strong. That man sounds like a horrible entitled piece of work and, if this is the first time he has contacted you since your loss, his behaviour is even more disgusting.
If someone has that amount of financial commitments, the last thing done would be to jack in a well paying job.

Greybeardy · 09/12/2023 09:47

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been said multiple times…. The probate process etc will take months still if your relative has only recently passed away - you maybe able to use that as a way to send him packing - you’re just not going to have the cash within a timeframe that will be useful to him. Had a couple of my Dad’s friends try the same with me after he died earlier this year - people can be arses!

Kirstyshine · 09/12/2023 09:50

@PieAndLattes speak up when you need to change a get-together to a cheeky ‘Spoons instead of the Ritz - your friendship is valuable to them, too and it isn’t ok for one of a group to be struggling to keep up.

2jacqi · 09/12/2023 09:52

@edelweissnights so he packed in his well paying job, knowing he had significant outgoings then comes to you for a handout because you have been left inheritance and already have money???? It isnt like he is asking for £100!!! you need to tell him to crawl back under that rock from which he came!! He will not repay you in the very near or even very distant future! he will think of it as a gift only!!

billybear · 09/12/2023 09:53

so cheeky,be strong, say the money is tied up in investments, why cant their kids go go normal schools,cut your cloth to what you can afford, DO NOT LEND THE MONEY IT IS ONLY THE START sorry for your loss

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 09:53

Greybeardy · 09/12/2023 09:47

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been said multiple times…. The probate process etc will take months still if your relative has only recently passed away - you maybe able to use that as a way to send him packing - you’re just not going to have the cash within a timeframe that will be useful to him. Had a couple of my Dad’s friends try the same with me after he died earlier this year - people can be arses!

Show quote history

@Greybeardy

The probate process etc will take months still if your relative has only recently passed away - you maybe able to use that as a way to send him packing - you’re just not going to have the cash within a timeframe that will be useful to him.

A relative left me a share in his house, and within a fortnight rellies & 'friends' who were not included were trying it on. The person died in October 1990 and the payout was in Feb 1993. I spent it on the kids and a new boiler.

Saschka · 09/12/2023 09:53

TheSuggestedAmendment · 09/12/2023 09:32

Real life has obviously come as a massive shock to this guy. £120k is not enough for a family home in Surrey, £40k school fees etc, even if his ex was on £100k. (I wonder what the Ex’s story would sound like…?!)

I work in a City law firm and lots of successful, high earners have their DC in state schools - school fees across a child’s life to 18 are crazy expensive, plus saving for a house deposit, then paying a mortgage etc - they calculate the stress/sacrifice for their family wouldn’t be worth it.

Your friend has done the opposite OP. He’s assumed a lifestyle of great schools and no commute and living in Surrey, and now confused as to why it isn’t all coming easily to him - magnificent entitled Him - when everyone must surely see he is special and deserving.

If she’s his ex, her finances don’t come into it anymore. Presumably she is paying her own mortgage.

You are right, £120k, or even £230k if we include his ex-wife’s income, is nowhere near enough to pay two sets of public school fees and a big Surrey mortgage (bet he doesn’t live in a three bedroom terrace). He probably has always had significant family help, the Eton type always do, so you have to wonder why it has been cut off?

Rightsraptor · 09/12/2023 09:56

I know what a pp means when she said to keep lines of communication open to see how far he'll go with this. I've been in a comparable situation where common sense was telling me to cut someone out of my life, yet a part of me was really curious to know just how much of a CF she could actually be.

Any loan should have a repayment plan attached - this wouldn't have that, I'm sure. How could he repay from where he is now? It's well nigh impossible, from what you say.

Don't give reasons for why you say no. Any polite (to you) caveats like 'I'd love to help but ...' will, to him, just be an entry point to start negotiations.

Charlize43 · 09/12/2023 09:56

The best way to help your friend is to direct him to getting psychiatric care. Check with your council to see if your area is offering 'Time to Talk'. It does sound like he needs to be in the hands of a professional.

Really, to have thrown in a £120K pa job during the Cost of Living crisis without making any financial provision is a sign that things are unravelling fast.

Under no circumstances lend him any money as this will just 'enable' him for longer. Maybe draw his attention to the free state schools in the area that his children can attend.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/12/2023 09:57

Well done for saying no. The door bell going was your friend there!

katsusando · 09/12/2023 10:00

What a dreadful person he is using your grief and appearing to care about you as an in to ask for a loan. I would be tempted to ask him how he intends to return your money within a few weeks. Mostly though, do not loan him this money, you will never see it again. I also have no doubt that when you start to chase him to repay the loan, he will change the narrative to declare it was an investment. Even if you have a contract drawn up, signed by you both and witnessed, they can still breach it.

I say this from experience. This is also why he was called you and asked rather than put it in an email - there's no proof of this conversation. Having evidence of the loan, reasons for the loan, repayments and time frame is all vital, particularly in written and dated form. Emails, even text messages are perfect for this.

I loaned what I thought was a good friend a large sum of money almost a decade ago. They refused to repay it and I had to take them to court. Before we got to court, and back when my solicitors first got involved, they tried to change the narrative and claim the money was an investment. Thankfully I had emails that clearly stated the money was a loan, and not just that, that the monies would be repaid in full and I would make no loss. Even though an agreement has finally been reached, and even though this ex-friend now has to repay not only the original loan, but statutory interest too, I wish I hadn't got involved and just said no in the first place.

Ultimately though, don't get involved. He's not your friend. Not on'y that, he's someone who has proved he can't be trusted with money - there's a reason banks won't lend to him.

2jacqi · 09/12/2023 10:00

@edelweissnights was his name Prince Harry by any chance????😆

Iloveacurry · 09/12/2023 10:03

Well done op. You’ve done the right thing. The loans would be never ending to this guy! There’ll be the next term fees, next mortgage payment, etc, etc ….

Iateallllllthepies · 09/12/2023 10:07

I had to get rid of a friend for a similar thing.

”Oh, I wish someone could help me, I wish someone knew had access to cash to lend me.”

Shortly followed by, “oh, you have your dads money now, how’s that all going?”

My dad went into a care home and she knew I was POA and sorting out selling his home to cover fees.

I pulled her up right away and told her to use any of the money for other than his care home fees and personal items would be fraud and I would end up in massive trouble.

She still sent me an email outlining a £20 loan and how she would pay it back.

It really, really upset me. 25 year friendship gone because I wouldn’t fraudulently lend her money.

BusyMum47 · 09/12/2023 10:08

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 08/12/2023 23:23

What an absolute cheeky cunt. He's not even on the bones of his arse, he just feels entitled to your money because you have no children!

I'd honestly just block him and never speak to him again. Horrible, horrible man.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree!⬆️

DO NOT give that awful, insensitive, rude twat a single penny!

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! I'd cut him off. With no guilt whatsoever.

So sorry for your loss & the fact that you're having to cope with hideous people masquerading as friends in order to take the worst kind of advantage during your grief.