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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
Original poster
toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:16

@LostFrog yes I did post at 02:49.

I wasn't drunk and have woken up this morning feeling the same way as I did last night.

I don't think me staying out past 10pm gives a colleague license to be rude to me

OP posts:
Eleganz · 08/12/2023 08:17

Peacheroo · 08/12/2023 08:11

You say he's twenty years younger. Is he very young? His complete denial suggests he is either a gaslighting wanker or he immediately regretted it but is not socially skilled enough to do anything other than deny.

Or he is trying a strategy he has learnt from an online PUA on an older woman. That indicates and fundamental lack of respect for women.

Either way he deserves no excuses or sympathy he is an adult in a professional working environment (yes even at the works Christmas do), I'd be keeping an eye on him at other social events and calling him out if he tries it again with someone else.

Anisette · 08/12/2023 08:22

This is basically one very immature twat whose inhibitions were severely loosened by drink. He certainly isn't worth resigning over. You'll probably find everyone else thinks he's a twat, too.

NutellaNut · 08/12/2023 08:28

Don’t resign! He was probably drunk, which in no way excuses his behaviour, but why give up your job because of what one twat says on a night out. The hitting you with his coat thing also sounds drunkenly pathetic. Treat it as a heads up that he’s an idiot and avoid contact with him at work, except what’s necessary to do your job.

fourelementary · 08/12/2023 08:30

You were being nice but boring on purpose… so meh. Yabu

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/12/2023 08:30

Not reporting it is exactly how these arseholes get away with their behaviour time and time again.

If you don't want to report to HR, then I would have a word with him today, let him know his comments were inappropriate and that you also didn't appreciate him hitting you with his coat and if it happens again, you will report him.

That should make it clear you won't be bullied

BloodyAdultDC · 08/12/2023 08:32

I've worked in professional jobs for 25 years and social events are always classed as extensions of the workplace (ie don't be a dick or your job is on the line). This guy was a dick (and I'm truly shocked at the general mysogeny-enabling comments on this post saying get over it op) and in my workplace he would rightly be handed his arse for his behaviour on a work do.

Many professions have a code of conduct which covers behaviour away from the workplace (and even away from colleagues - teachers for example), does yours op?

I would have no qualms in reporting this man, nor as HR would I have any problem with calling him out on it professionally.

Doing nothing means he's unaware of exactly how dickish his behaviour is, why shouldn't op escalate it?

Original poster
toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:37

Tbh I don't love the job anyway and this is just one more reason for me to think life is too short to be putting up with nonsense.

OP posts:
topnoddy · 08/12/2023 08:40

A perfect reply would have been "well I think you are all twats"

One of the reasons why I have never been to any works event ever

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 08/12/2023 08:43

GrumpyOldCrone · 08/12/2023 07:46

Definitely negging, not necessarily for sexual purposes. It could be an attempt to undermine you professionally. Denying it and hitting you with his coat are part of the same thing.

I don’t know if I’d report it immediately, but I’d write a detailed account of it in case I needed it for a future complaint, because he’s a potential bully.

Agree with Grumpy, this is my take too

sherloc · 08/12/2023 08:51

@toospenny As many have said already, this was the prompt of someone trying to egg you on to something you'd regret.
At a workplace with a very toxic environment, we would try to prevent a sex pest and his wingman from getting a woman, any woman back to a hotel room after events. They felt that any complaint would fail when it was one voice against two. They both lost major jobs when the international media published the story years later and the organisation was irreparable harmed.
Do whatever is best for you, but don't let dickheads force you out of a job you're good at and otherwise enjoy. Good luck.

Mumofoneandone · 08/12/2023 08:51

Don't resign. Just make a note of date, time and details. If he continues to make a nuisance of himself then you add it to the list and then submit to HR.
Not acceptable behaviour whatever the reason.

Kimten · 08/12/2023 08:52

I would report all of it to HR.

QueenCoconut · 08/12/2023 09:00

BloodyAdultDC · 08/12/2023 08:32

I've worked in professional jobs for 25 years and social events are always classed as extensions of the workplace (ie don't be a dick or your job is on the line). This guy was a dick (and I'm truly shocked at the general mysogeny-enabling comments on this post saying get over it op) and in my workplace he would rightly be handed his arse for his behaviour on a work do.

Many professions have a code of conduct which covers behaviour away from the workplace (and even away from colleagues - teachers for example), does yours op?

I would have no qualms in reporting this man, nor as HR would I have any problem with calling him out on it professionally.

Doing nothing means he's unaware of exactly how dickish his behaviour is, why shouldn't op escalate it?

Absolutely this. No debate. I say this as senior manager.

I’m shocked at how many women excuse this behaviour, embarrassing to read.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/12/2023 09:01

If you do decide to resign, make sure you mention this incident to the powers that be. Someone senior was once very rude to me so I thought ‘sod this’ and left, in my exit interview, the head honcho directly asked me if there was any issues with my superiors and I just smiled and said no. I regret that to this day.

Littlegoth · 08/12/2023 09:03

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:14

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain.

If I were a manager, or in HR, a complaint about something so trivial would have me rolling my eyes and despairing about the resilience of people today.

Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal!

Show quote history

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming Clearly you are neither. I am in HR and we wouldn’t treat this with an eye roll. It’s bullying and unacceptable.

I would expect most workplaces to have some sort of respect at work policy, which he obviously needs reminding of. I also suspect he wouldn’t have said this to a male colleague. That’s what HR will think …

crikeymikeydoyoulikey · 08/12/2023 09:04

I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

Guy was a drunken fool.

You are now staying sober so notice this crap more.

I get it, as I used to be a very heavy drinker and have now packed it in.

LittleGreenDragons · 08/12/2023 09:05

I don't think negging. If he is junior to you I bet a thousand pounds he wanted your job, and feels entitled to it. I bet he said the you are boring just to get you riled up and "prove" you are not so you would get drunk and do inappropriate things that would get round the workplace the next morning. That's why he's denying it, he was setting you up.

Stay. If you leave they might offer your job to him and he'll have got what he was after. Definitely email yourself an account of what happened.

crikeymikeydoyoulikey · 08/12/2023 09:05

Other posters have given great comebacks to his silly comment.

At a work do, we are still at work. Best to party amongst real friends.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/12/2023 09:08

sorrynotathome · 08/12/2023 06:12

Yep classic negging. He totally fancies you and wanted to make a move. So turn it round - be chuffed that you didn’t fall for his crap and now you have one over on him! What a dick.

Absolutely this!

Ignore him at work - act like it ever happened.

If he starts getting unpleasant and says that you accused him of something he didn't say, just adopt the "recollections may vary" line and let it go.

He's an arsehole.

maudeskarenina · 08/12/2023 09:12

Yeah I think he was negging you, its so naff and either just doesn't work or pisses women off, I have no idea why men insist on doing it. I think they get off on imagining they can subtly control us and then panic and try to cover their own arses when it blows up in their face.

He was probably hoping you would try and prove him wrong by drinking more, being a bit wilder so he could take advantage.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 08/12/2023 09:13

Ohnoooooooo · 08/12/2023 05:19

It was clearly a chat up line. He likes you. Or did. He sounds very immature.

This ^ He didn’t really think you are boring. It was a clumsy way to chat you up.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/12/2023 09:15

When someone says something hurtful it is not an unusual reaction to feel, well, hurt!

Yes.

However, when a drunken idiot, that you've no personal relationship, makes a silly comment, being hurt is surprising - being angry, irritated, dismissive sounds more probable.

Regardless, my post was about her reaction saying she felt like resigning, that the workplace was a boys' club [she hadn't at that point said it was a small, all-male environment] - which sounds like an overreaction.

MandyFriend · 08/12/2023 09:17

This is a horrible experience and you have every right to feel upset. On a personal note, he sounds like a complete wanker!

I'm concerned his verbal assaults on you turned physical when he started hitting you on the head with his coat, "accidentally on purpose". See how things go at work today, but I think you need to go and have a chat with someone in HR. Even if you don't want to make a formal complaint yet, they need to know what happened at the Christmas party. It was organised and paid for by the company so totally in their jurisdiction.

Isobel201 · 08/12/2023 09:18

This is one of many reasons why I don't go on team christmas outings anymore.

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