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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
herewegoroundthebastardbush · 08/12/2023 07:04

Sounds like he fired off the first half of a neg and you didn't react the way he was expecting. Honestly these Game twats still walk among us. You did the right thing. I imagine once you've been there a while you'll notice a general eye rolling solidarity among your female coworkers that Jeff's a cunt.

Ignore and rise above and keep all your interactions with him from now on icily professional. And if he tries any of that shit in the office, instant complaint.

BettyPhuckzer · 08/12/2023 07:04

If he definitely doesn't fancy you (that was my first thought) then he's a dickwad

One dickwad, one gaslighting incident, one unpleasant occurrence and you're leaving?

Wtf?

Gettingbysomehow · 08/12/2023 07:08

What a prime ass. Did he expect a pole dance or something.
Don't resign, there will always be one tosser like this at work wherever you go. You need to learn how to deal with difficult people.
Treat him with the contempt he deserves from now on.i never go to Xmas do's. I dont want to socialise with work people.

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 07:10

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2023 04:06

Work "do's" are extensions of the workplace.
It's no longer acceptable to write behaviour off as awkward or alcohol talking, etc.
How are you now expected to feel at the office?
For me, I can't put up with this shit from colleagues anymore. I'd write it up and submit to my manager or HR asking if this is acceptable behaviour in the company as you feel very uncomfortable.
To do nothing is tacit consent, really, to be treated like crap, protects the bully and allows mistreatment of women in the workplace.
Why (we) women are continuing to let this type of behaviour go is beyond my understanding. It's 2023, not 1963.

I agree with this. Depressing that people still put this type of abusive behaviour to a bloke fancying his target.

OP, the fact that he was gaslighting you that it didn’t happen and also hit you with his coat twice is what’s concerning here.

I’d write it up as an email, even if you only send it to yourself, so you have a record. And talk to your manager about it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/12/2023 07:14

You should have said 'thanks, you've already mastered boring maybe when you grow up you'll be nice too'

Seriously though nice but boring sounds like the right way to start a new job. Ignore that absolute twat, he's not someone you'd want to be friends with anyway.

crochetmonkey74 · 08/12/2023 07:15

Mm after reading your updates , I think reporting to your manager is a good idea. I know what you mean by being rattled by his total denial , that could be a big red flag for further interactions. So I would report, wait and see what happens and if you're not happy with the response and hopefully subsequent change, you can get another job and do a solid and honest exit interview

Desecratedcoconut · 08/12/2023 07:15

Personally, I wouldn't be offended by being called boring. Boring contains a lot of good qualities such as sensible, reliable, moderate. These are all things that you want to be in a workplace.

It might not suit negging idiots who would rather you were more entertaining and reckless but that's their failing, not yours.

piscofrisco · 08/12/2023 07:18

But if you resign you are absolutely being 'pushed around by the boys club'.
Tbh it just seems like a silly young man who has had a few, being a dick. Silly and immature. Just ignore it. You are giving it far too much head space.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2023 07:21

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

This was my first thought.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/12/2023 07:23

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

This.

Alohapotato · 08/12/2023 07:23

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

I agree.

Jacopo · 08/12/2023 07:24

You said there is a difference in seniority - is he senior to you or vice versa?

Alohapotato · 08/12/2023 07:24

he wanted you feel bad for "being boring", to " go wild" and have sex with him. I would not resign , I would report his comment to HR.

WinterLobelia · 08/12/2023 07:25

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2023 04:06

Work "do's" are extensions of the workplace.
It's no longer acceptable to write behaviour off as awkward or alcohol talking, etc.
How are you now expected to feel at the office?
For me, I can't put up with this shit from colleagues anymore. I'd write it up and submit to my manager or HR asking if this is acceptable behaviour in the company as you feel very uncomfortable.
To do nothing is tacit consent, really, to be treated like crap, protects the bully and allows mistreatment of women in the workplace.
Why (we) women are continuing to let this type of behaviour go is beyond my understanding. It's 2023, not 1963.

I agree with this. Certainly write it up. The fact he tried to gaslight you then made physical contact with you deliberately to me indicates it might well escalate. You have called him out. He clearly did not like it.

Good luck. Thanks

Cas112 · 08/12/2023 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

He's not random.. She works with him 🤨

Don't worry OP, he will be waking up embarrassed

Newmum738 · 08/12/2023 07:28

Does your workplace have a policy that protects against this? We were told very clearly that it applies in this type of circumstance. You could have a word in the cold light of day or put in a complaint.

shepherdsangeldelight · 08/12/2023 07:30

Virtually everyone I work with is nice but boring :)

It's the sort of thing that people think about their colleagues but generally are too polite to voice.

The man was rude to say it to you, but your reaction is OTT. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being "nice but boring". It's really not worth getting offended about and resigning would be ridiculous.

(In future maybe point out that the speaker is also boring but not even nice?)

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2023 07:33

It's a bit depressing really that so many (presumably) women replying here are encouraging OP to give the offender a wide berth and just try to avoid him at work. This is why sexual and other harassment in the workplace continues. FFS. Does it not bother anyone here that a young man in the workplace feels so f-ing entitled and superior to women that he shows a complete lack of respect for his older female colleague? Imagine how he treats women his own age? Any woman? But, well, I guess we'll just continue to placate the poor lad who surely will feel embarrassed when he is sober. I'll say it again, ignoring this behaviour allows it o continue and grow because it says it is acceptable.
It is not.

Dontjudgeme101 · 08/12/2023 07:33

That’s not nice op 💐💐💐

PersephonePomegranate23 · 08/12/2023 07:34

Definitely negging. Consider it an early warning as to what sort of person he is - he couldn't even apologise for being a dick. Fragile ego.

I'd let it go, be professional in the office but have as little work do with him as possible. Don't resign over this twat and don't believe this is what people there think of you.

PonyPatter44 · 08/12/2023 07:35

Have you had much interaction with this individual at work? How does he behave towards you in the office (or over Teams, if you're in that sort of workplace)?

I certainly wouldn't be letting some silly drunk little tit push me into resigning!

autienotnaughty · 08/12/2023 07:37

It sounds like you handled it well op. I'd go into work poker face and be polite and tolerant but not friendly with him. Any further issues in the workplace I'd go to HR.

crackersforcheese · 08/12/2023 07:39

My response would have been
'And I think you're a wanker'
With a really sickly sweet smile on my face Wink

PersephonePomegranate23 · 08/12/2023 07:43

FFS. Does it not bother anyone here that a young man in the workplace feels so f-ing entitled and superior to women that he shows a complete lack of respect for his older female colleague? Imagine how he treats women his own age? Any woman? But, well, I guess we'll just continue to placate the poor lad who surely will feel embarrassed when he is sober. I'll say it again, ignoring this behaviour allows it o continue and grow because it says it is acceptable.

No it's not. Placating would have been to have turned around and sunk 10 shots. This loser obviously craves attention, therefore deny him it, grey rock him. If no-one is interested, the behaviour will stop.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 08/12/2023 07:44

He sounds like a bit of a knob, you sound very uptight.......I'd have just rolled my eyes.

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