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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 08/12/2023 07:46

Definitely negging, not necessarily for sexual purposes. It could be an attempt to undermine you professionally. Denying it and hitting you with his coat are part of the same thing.

I don’t know if I’d report it immediately, but I’d write a detailed account of it in case I needed it for a future complaint, because he’s a potential bully.

Jl2014 · 08/12/2023 07:48

its a line. Negging to try to manipulate you into proving you’re not. Either by doing something daft to make you look stupid in front of everyone or shagging him.
so transparent. Avoid this absolute plonker.

TomeTome · 08/12/2023 07:49

I would say it’s harassment. Who else heard and what was their reaction?

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 07:51

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 07:10

I agree with this. Depressing that people still put this type of abusive behaviour to a bloke fancying his target.

OP, the fact that he was gaslighting you that it didn’t happen and also hit you with his coat twice is what’s concerning here.

I’d write it up as an email, even if you only send it to yourself, so you have a record. And talk to your manager about it.

Edited
Show quote history

This.

Definitely make a record of it.

He tried to assault you.

That is very concerning.

I think you write it up and decide if you want to mention it to HR.

Being rude is one thing, the coat thing is very different.

His behaviour was unacceptable.

Brefugee · 08/12/2023 07:51

He's a dick. Note it and move on. Be careful in interactions with him that you have someone with you, or cc on messages etc. Just in case.

Heronwatcher · 08/12/2023 07:52

He’s a drunken dickhead. Up to you if you want to report it but I’d probably give him a chance to apologise when sober but then if not report it in a low key way to HR- as it’s bullying- especially the bashing with the coat and gaslighting.

But I am 100% sure that most of the people you met there thought you were lovely and good on you for engaging in it all when you are so new. Plus (I’m sure you’re not) I LOVE being boring, as do lots of gen Z, so I would take it as a compliment!

balmysummerevening · 08/12/2023 07:53

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

THIS. He was hoping you'd get drunk and make a fool of yourself. Drunk people always wheel out the tired old "you're boring" line to others who aren't also drunk. Its pathetic and really well....boring.

FritataPatate · 08/12/2023 07:56

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

I thought it was begging too.

FritataPatate · 08/12/2023 07:57

negging!

fulawitt · 08/12/2023 08:01

Negging.

TorroFerney · 08/12/2023 08:01

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

Exactly, hoping you’d fall over yourself to prove you weren’t boring and perhaps in the process shag him. I’d say something to him but I’m old and not bothered. You should have said thank you, that usually foxes them.

Original poster
toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:01

Perhaps I am giving it too much headspace but for me it spoilt an otherwise good day.

I felt I let my guard down and joined in and then he was rude to me.

More than that though it's was the superior attitude and the insistence he was obviously correct and I was obviously wrong. Also the hitting me with the coat is ridiculous and intend to put me back in my pace for saying something.

OP posts:
Fulshaw · 08/12/2023 08:02

BTW don’t start to question yourself and worry that you might be boring. You’re in a new job, senior position and it was your first Xmas do. Of course you’ll be treading carefully, being professional.

glittertoad · 08/12/2023 08:03

What a knob. He was probably drunk. No excuse though. You have a right to be offended. It's hard when you're new too because you don't know anyone - if you know he's a knob it's easier to brush off.

ChanelNo19EDT · 08/12/2023 08:04

jUST cos he doesn't fancy you doesn't mean he's not annoyed that you're in the group, he wanted to intimidate you and make you wither and withdraw from the ''group''. some people get annoyed that there are people in the group who don't admire them, validate them, fancy them.. those people are just taking up valuable space around them.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 08/12/2023 08:04

He's a common or garden arsehole, christmas do variety.
These usually have form. Ask around. Is he known as wanker Dave from accounts?

LovelyDaaling · 08/12/2023 08:04

Be glad he's shown his true colours early on. You know you can't trust him an inch, he's an immature prat with a big ego who also lies. As others heard him, he's also made himself look foolish.

TheGrimm · 08/12/2023 08:06

Report him get a new job.

ChanelNo19EDT · 08/12/2023 08:06

I work with a man who is a bit younger than me and he has in the past seemed intent on bringing me down a peg. Thing is though, i look at him and see a plump insecure middle manager with a bitter streak. He was good looking 10 years ago but the pints have made me very ordinary and he's in denial. so he sees me, woman a bit older and thinks, I'm better than Her
i ignored his ignoring me and spoke to him regardless!! about boring things though.

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/12/2023 08:09

Totally reasonable to be offended, but I think raising it to HR could make it worse, unless you are 100% sure this is the type of company where it would go down well. You could mention it to your manager in your next 1-1 to feel the vibe though.

Ignore the idiot, there will be plenty in your work environment. If it comes up don't back down though, reiterate that you heard him very well , that you are offended by the comments and not interested in discussing it further with him unless he is ready to apologise. Stay calm and professional.

LostFrog · 08/12/2023 08:09

Good grief why on earth would you resign over this? I notice you posted at 2:49 in the morning so I am guessing you will wake up and feel very differently. Fwiw I would not go out drinking until this time with work, been there done that and believe me it’s never a good idea x

Grimchmas · 08/12/2023 08:09

Eh, he's a wanker. Quite possibly the incel type, and the alcohol made the veneer he was hiding behind drop. So now you know he's a wanker and can think of him as something unpleasant you stepped in accordingly.

How closely do you work with him?

If you otherwise enjoy the job and the company apart from him I wouldn't quit. I would be on strictly work only terms with tosspotboy from now on though.

Ficklebricks · 08/12/2023 08:10

EarringsandLipstick · 08/12/2023 06:41

I'd rather look for another job than be pushed around by the boys club

But you aren't being?

A stupid arse acted idiotically at the Christmas party, presumably drunk.

Why are you extrapolating it to the wider workplace?

And about fancying you, of course he could! Regardless, he did it for your reaction.

If he's 20 years younger I'm puzzled this is bothering you so much.

When someone says something hurtful it is not an unusual reaction to feel, well, hurt!

I can't understand the hot takes in this thread, there's lot's of trying to belittle and minimise OPs feelings. It sounds like something a mysogynistic man would do, telling the little woman to be quiet and that her feelings aren't valid. Women shouldn't be made to feel like they're overreacting when they push back against nasty workplace comments.

Stand up for yourself OP, don't take any more nonsense.

Peacheroo · 08/12/2023 08:11

You say he's twenty years younger. Is he very young? His complete denial suggests he is either a gaslighting wanker or he immediately regretted it but is not socially skilled enough to do anything other than deny.

AngelontopoftheTree · 08/12/2023 08:12

Is there someone that you can raise this with? To me, hitting you with his coat is his way of putting you down again..... You're so unimportant I didn't even see you
He's a dickhead!