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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
HashBrownandBeans · 08/12/2023 06:21

He was 100% negging you.

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 06:26

He probably meant boring that you didn't do crazy drunk things at the party (which is a good thing when you're new). He was rude, but also possibly teasing and hope you'd bite. Resigning is a bit extreme!

Justfinking · 08/12/2023 06:27

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

This

EdgeOfACoin · 08/12/2023 06:27

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

I agree with this.

It was 100% a really bad chat up line. Don't resign over it. He's an idiot.

StressedOutSemolina · 08/12/2023 06:32

He was just drunk and trying to get you pissed OP that's all. Drunk people are boring to sober people and sober people are boring to drunk people.

Well done for not getting smashed. As someone who is also a binger I know how hard it is to keep control!

NonPlayerCharacter · 08/12/2023 06:32

He was negging. Prick.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/12/2023 06:32

Some very cool women on the thread this morning. OP,
Where?

MintJulia · 08/12/2023 06:34

If you were boring he wouldn't even have noticed you were there. He's just a knob who was trying to get a reaction.

What he thinks is irrelevant. He's just some half-drunk, half-brained idiot who can't string an intelligent sentence together. Why would you care what he thinks? Don't resign, just steer clear of him, and enjoy your new job with your more intelligent colleagues..

crochetmonkey74 · 08/12/2023 06:35

Don't resign op as I also think it was a shit chat up line but a massive well done and don't listen to anyone else on here saying you over reached. Women need to 'over react' to this shit if it ever has a chance of being stopped so you are Brill x

Original poster
toospenny · 08/12/2023 06:37

He certainly doesn't fancy me. This is not the situation. He's about twenty years younger than I am.

Perhaps resigning is an overreaction but for me it wasn't so much what he said -!it was very much the fact he completely denied what he's said and tried to make out I was at fault for saying anything.

It's not okay to be rude to someone.

If he'd said it and when confronted apologised I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

The fact is he didn't and when challenged looked at me like something he'd scraped off his shoe.

I don't go to work for this crap. I'd rather look for another job than be pushed around by the boys club

OP posts:
NonPlayerCharacter · 08/12/2023 06:39

toospenny · 08/12/2023 06:37

He certainly doesn't fancy me. This is not the situation. He's about twenty years younger than I am.

Perhaps resigning is an overreaction but for me it wasn't so much what he said -!it was very much the fact he completely denied what he's said and tried to make out I was at fault for saying anything.

It's not okay to be rude to someone.

If he'd said it and when confronted apologised I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

The fact is he didn't and when challenged looked at me like something he'd scraped off his shoe.

I don't go to work for this crap. I'd rather look for another job than be pushed around by the boys club

A lot of young men pursue older women because they think they'll be eager and not up for anything serious. Young men are morons, what can you do.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/12/2023 06:41

I'd rather look for another job than be pushed around by the boys club

But you aren't being?

A stupid arse acted idiotically at the Christmas party, presumably drunk.

Why are you extrapolating it to the wider workplace?

And about fancying you, of course he could! Regardless, he did it for your reaction.

If he's 20 years younger I'm puzzled this is bothering you so much.

FedUpMumof10YO · 08/12/2023 06:45

I agree with all the others.

Don't let this upstart ruin your evening & impact your job. He is not a cross to die on.

Give him a very wide berth at work from now on.

Original poster
toospenny · 08/12/2023 06:46

I think what's bothering me is that I'm new, the only woman in the company and we are from very different walks of life. There's also a disparity in seniority.

I've worked with in certain industries, like this one, before and it's very much a boys club.

I'm 100% certain he doesn't fancy me. Regardless of ages etc. it is truly not the case

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 08/12/2023 06:48

If this is the only incident, I think you're over reacting.

wildwestpioneer · 08/12/2023 06:50

And this is why you don't get pissed at a works do. I bet he's got a severe case of 'beer fear' this morning, let's hope you don't end up being his manager in a year down the line. Put it down to him being a prick, but also think he's done you a huge favour, you've found the office twat and never tell him anything you don't want others to know.

This time next year you'll probably find out everyone thinks he's a twat anyway

lemonsandlimesx · 08/12/2023 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf?! What a ridiculous comment ! OP is under herself. She's having a reaction to an extremely rude colleague

TempleMeads · 08/12/2023 06:54

I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s a common or garden male colleague twat. They’re everywhere though. The coat thing sounds bad too, what did he do?

Rocksonabeach · 08/12/2023 06:55

I’m sorry OP, man is a twat.
I’m the same a comment from one person can destroy the confidence that you have slowly built up as part of a team. You should very conscientious and nice and thoughtful. I also agree that it’s the bashing you with his coat etc unnecessary etc

you have no reason to resign, or not to be proud of yourself.

unfortunately there is a lot of rudeness by some people when they feel they are out of work environment.

I know it is hard but park it / put it in a box don’t try to show you are different - love you.

I spent 45 years learning what happiness is - it’s the absence of stress and nasty behaviour. It’s taking pleasure in a lie in, a cuddle with a dog, a beautiful sky, a funny games of top trumps etc
nothing wrong with being nice And having no drama.

my ex best friend said my life was boring but nice - her - she lurches from one drama to the next - that’s what she wants that what she lives for.

his comment 1) arrogant thinks he speaks for the group he doesn’t 2) nice - compliment 3) a bit boring - no drama come on prove it dance with me etc means my life is so boring come and liven it up and embarrass yourself

I used to work with a woman that was so similar- went out for a quick drink after work - she was like come on you are all boring etc got absolutely smashed tried to drink drive her car. Called everyone name eg you are boring, you are a bit of a slapper, we always talk about your make up and the fact you can’t apply eye liner ……. Etc

she ruined the evening for everyone. Senior management were phoned. The police were phoned after she continued trying to drive etc she doesn’t even remember how bad she was once she sobered up. Senior management have smoothed things over but most people don’t engage with her and give her a wide birth.

she isn’t invited to certain social things that individual people say eg Helen is having a tea and coffee afternoon socially on a Saturday afternoon (non work) us boring colleagues who don’t want to get smashed get invited. Also she now keeps applying for top positions - but most people in similar roles in the same city - know what she is like after work and so far after 10 applications she hasn’t had a single interview.

Going forward

  1. treat him exactly the same carry on being you
  2. if he brings it up pause for an extra long time and just say …. Anyway moving on these reports ….. totally blank it. Ok then. Log it as above and just give him a wide berth.
Theimpossiblegirl · 08/12/2023 06:56

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

Absolutely my first thought.
What a twat.

DinkyDonkey2018 · 08/12/2023 06:58

I'm surprised by some of the comments here telling you to get over yourself...he was incredibly rude, and I'd be just as annoyed and upset as you are. There is no reason for him to behave like that. I'm not sure I'd resign right away, but his behaviour over the coming days and weeks would determine whether I'd want to stay in the job or not - and I'd expect an apology from him.

Almostalwayshappy · 08/12/2023 06:58

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

This. It sounds like negging to me - putting you down so you react to prove otherwise. Immature and inappropriate. Sorry you are so unsettled by it. I wouldn't resign, but I would keep a record of what happened.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 08/12/2023 07:01

Report him factually this morning. First this. Then this. These witnesses. Then this happened twice. Etc.

Hereforthedramaz · 08/12/2023 07:01

toospenny · 08/12/2023 06:46

I think what's bothering me is that I'm new, the only woman in the company and we are from very different walks of life. There's also a disparity in seniority.

I've worked with in certain industries, like this one, before and it's very much a boys club.

I'm 100% certain he doesn't fancy me. Regardless of ages etc. it is truly not the case

It really does sound like classic negging OP.

Don't dismiss that just because he's younger and even if you can't believe he'd fancy you, I think they are encouraged to practice the techniques on random women.

He's clearly a dick, but don't catastrophize, currently at you work he is a one-off idiot to be avoided and looked down on.

Almostateeagersmum2023 · 08/12/2023 07:01

Sounds like there is a reason there are only men working for the company.

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