To be so offended :(

[toospenny]

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

Hey OP
Havent read everyone else’s posts so forgive me if I’m repeating the comments of others.

Firstly, it’s totally understandable that this comment has been triggering: he’s implying that you’ve been talked about and judged by your new team mates and I think this us what’s underneath your reaction. However, I doubt sincerely this is an actual conversation that’s been had by your work colleagues and I hope in the cold light of day that you will realise this is probably the case.

Christmas parties are an extension of the workplace: what he said to you was cruel and unkind and entirely inappropriate. Again, this should (and I hope will) raise more questions in you about this person’s character rather than yours.

I would consider telling him in no uncertain terms at work not to speak to you like that again or else and then keeping an eye on him: should he behave in any additional ways that cause you discomfort to absolutely and unreservedly report him. Absolutely do not resign because of one creep. He is the one who should be grovelling or considering his conduct/ position. I suspect in the passage of time it will turn out that he’s the suspect one that everyone has reservations about.

OP has said there is no other females and no HR.
OP I think you’re taking the right approach I’d be looking for a new role but definitely don’t resign.

toospenny · Today 09:38

I think what I'm going to take away from this situation is

• The company's heavy drinking culture isn't for me, so I will start looking for a new role.

• I will go out of my way not to be alone with this colleague as he can't be trusted.

• when I do leave I will make this situation known at my leaving interview.

• I won't work for such a small company with no HR again.

How strange, I read this after my last comment. Perhaps, that was because I worked in just that environment once and it went much further than an insult, I probably should have called the police! There is no changing an institutional male toxic culture. I have had some fantastic jobs since, with lovely, intelligent, kind people.

I agree with this statement 100%

Years ago I made the mistake of attending a work Christmas function where I behaved like a 'lad', I had only been in the job 10 months and someone received a Borat style mankini as a secret santa gift. I ended up nipping to the toilets and came out wearing said mankini and proceeded to dance around in it generally making a fool of myself, someone recorded it and for the next 10 years new members of staff were 'treated' to the video of me making an arse of myself.

A little bit of background to my life, I'm ex army and I play rugby, so where behaviour like this is acceptable (or was acceptable back in the day) in those environments, it isn't acceptable in what is an extension of your workplace (I'm now an accountant)

I now behave myself at work Christmas functions and have been told that I am a bit of a boring person at functions but I am fine with that, oh I also heard a rumour that I was gay (I assume because I never hit on any of the females in the office), I enjoyed the look of suprise on my colleagues faces when I mentioned my wife and 3 children in conversation 🤣🤣

Bottom line is, just forget about what your work colleague said, your workplace is just that, a workplace... At least you don't have to do any apologising the day after (been there, done that too 🫣)

It was a badly put "line".

He WANTED you to get all up in arms, shouting "I'm not boring!" Then neck back 10 shots to "prove" how not-boring you are, while he sits back and watches the show.
There are, unfortunately, plenty of knobbish men out there, who think the newest female employee is the perfect target for "just a bit of fun."

Calling him out was absolutely the right move.

I’m glad it’s not just me. I thought the world had improved a bit, but clearly not.

Probably fancied you, otherwise why would he bother to make such an effort to tell you?

Ugh what a bellend. If it were me I’d look him dead in the eyes as I walk past him at work and say “I see you”. I would not permit him to believe for one further second that he’d upset me, but instead that he’d made a mistake in trying that with me. If it escalated in ANY WAY after that I’d make a complaint on that behaviour, and be transparent about the context from the party.

Don't take the things people say at Christmas parties to heart. He was probably drunk. Personally I would have totally ignored him, but that's just my way of dealing with insults. Don't let this stupid man put you in a position of unemployment. Wait until you find something much better with more pay.

Why is everyone saying he was trying to chat the OP up when she's 20 years older than him?

I can't imagine any of my male colleagues in their 20s trying to chat me up.

He was a sexist, ageist arse.

O P is clearly offended though. It doesn’t sound like a fun scenario at all.
maybe the guy thought he was being funny who knows, but not everyone has the same sense of humour.

How about “I’ve been thinking about it and I’d rather be nice and boring, than anything like you.” Done.

Thread was ‘done’ days ago!

:( sorry I only just checked the thread and was just letting O P know that nice and boring is much better than being anything like that guy at her work.

i posted a reply but it was removed. can someone explain why? it seems very odd to me. are we supposed to agree with all complainants irrespective of where the evidence leads us? the OP complained that something happened at a works do where there was alcohol. the OP admitted to having a history of "getting too drunk", and that there was pressure to continue drinking after the meal (although half the people went home). that seems like a big red flag to me. and surely, unless you were there then you only have one version of the story.

Lots of us rein it in at work. Work is not a place to be OTT. Just be yourself. He perhaps thought he was being useful albeit through an alcohol fuelled voice. Booze generally does more harm at work events. Tongues become loose and damage is done! Think this is proof. Forgive and forget.

What evidence exactly are you talking about?

I once got too drunk at a Christmas party ten years ago so now limit my intake - is that evidence I was in the wrong?

I had a handful of drinks all day and kept it professional. Unlike my colleague.

I've said several times a male colleague witnessed what happened and was equally surprised by the rudeness and gaslighting.

Then read again

What has really gotten to me is the fact he looked me straight in the face and told me I was imagining things and tried to really manipulate the situation. When that didn't work he hit me with his coat when my back was turned and when I told him to stop he sneered at me.

Because you’re basically saying because OP used to get too drunk years ago in a different company then she deserves whatever she gets from this misogynistic tool. In short, you were victim-blaming.

@rationalskeptic

Because you're a misogynistic prick. HTH

She had her back to him and got hit with a coat. Come off it.

She got hit because he hit her.

So as well as victim blaming OP, you’re calling her a liar 🙄

She has her back to him. He didn’t forcibly hit her with a coat. Worst case he deliberately swiped her head as he put it on but we have no way of knowing if that happened. And neither does the OP.

You realise of course that he had probably been dared to say it by X who was no doubt rolling on the floor at the hilarity of their schoolboy "joke"?

It's up to you whether you quit over this or not, but it sounds like an extreme response to what appears to be one event and you said you were having a nice time until then.

They were drunk. If in a different story he had groped you or threatened you then I would be saying alcohol is no excuse, but at the end of the day he was just very rude. I think we've all probably said rude things that we thought were funny the wrong side of too many beers.

Wait and see how he treats you sobre before you hand your notice in, and maybe skip the post-dinner drinks if he's a regular at them and can't hold his booze / tongue.

@AnneValentine were you there?

He didn't accidentally do anything. He hit me twice on the back of the head with his jacket, twice, in purpose.

I have peripheral vision and could see him swinging his coat around.

There was absolute no need for him to be so close to me and when I turned to tell him to stop I saw him step back smirking.

He could easily have stopped put his jacket on and then continued walking. He didn't.

He got called out didn't like it proceeded to act like a five year old.

What do I gain by lying? Absolutely nothing!

All I do is feel singled out and now want to find a new job. Hardly seems worth the hassle if I'm making it up?!