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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
JoyeuxNarwhal · 08/12/2023 09:22

Resigning over one dickish comment does seem to be a bit of an overreaction.

RedbrickOrNoBrick · 08/12/2023 09:24

Please ignore the people who are telling you to ignore this ! It's 2023, we are supposed to be making the workplace inclusive , not a playground for drunk men to 'test your sense of humour' or whatever. It doesn't matter what his intention was, he was out of order. You are well within your rights to talk to HR. Some women might have found this attractive or funny and that's their right, but you also have the right not to find it amusing.

Pomonas · 08/12/2023 09:24

Honestly he is in idiot but do not loose sleep over this and be too offended by a possible drunk idiot. What I find with younger generations is that they do not take BS but go on and on after having put people in their place. Tbh he was probably trying to start a reaction from you to start flirting. Think about it who would say something so stupid to someone.Just move on.

RedbrickOrNoBrick · 08/12/2023 09:26

Brefugee · 08/12/2023 07:51

He's a dick. Note it and move on. Be careful in interactions with him that you have someone with you, or cc on messages etc. Just in case.

That's putting it all back on the OP though. He was a dik so she has to monitor her actions. Not arguing with you as you're probably right but GOD I'm 52 and weary

ApintofwhatFarageishaving · 08/12/2023 09:28

It got to you @toospenny because you know you're not boring and feel hurt or annoyed because he insisted you were boring. He's a negging dickhead.
Next time he tries to ask you something say Oh no, I'm far too boring to answer that question

Tinkerbyebye · 08/12/2023 09:29

Sorry but you need to toughen up

he was a twat, but now you know and can crack on with work and ignore him

why do you care what he and maybe others think? They wanted you drunk and stupid, think how they would have talked about you then!

just maintain a professional relationship when in work, you don’t need to be best buddies

KimberleyClark · 08/12/2023 09:32

You should have said “I may be boring but you are a wanker”. I know, I never think of these things at the time either!

NameChangeDayNov · 08/12/2023 09:33

He was negging.
It's not okay - it's isolating, intimidating, and unprofessional.
What SHOULD you do?

Who knows? There are options:

  1. Nothing, just remember it for future interactions.
  2. Address it with him, tell him his language was inappropriate. Don't wait for or expect an apology, just tell him that it wasn't okay, then exit the conversation.
  3. Mention it to a your boss (if you trust them) in your next 1:1 as a "wow, that was really unsettling" conversation.
  4. Raise it with HR - he may have form for this, and HR's role is to protect the company by means of protecting the people in the company.

What would I do, probably item 1 - I might be tempted into item 2, item 3 only if I'd already bonded with and trusted my new boss. Not item 4 at this stage, but I'd be ready to report it if his behavior didn't improve.

Pomonas · 08/12/2023 09:36

Jesus that is a bit intense. However, if the hitting thing was really on purpose it is not on.

3luckystars · 08/12/2023 09:37

Look, drink was had. He is an idiot, was putting the moves on you.
Forget it. You did well.

tara66 · 08/12/2023 09:37

Remember to ask him which charm school he went when you next see him.

Haydenn · 08/12/2023 09:37

He’s a dick. I wouldn’t resign as I wouldn’t let this pillock cost me money. I would start looking for a new job that is a better cultural fit for you though.

use the pay check from this job to give yourself a bit of breathing space to find the ideal role. Lots will come up in the new year.

i find dealing with shitty colleagues remarkably easy when I know I’m just taking the cash but am mentally out the door

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 09:38

Him being rude is one thing.

Him hitting her with his coat on the head TWICE is something entirely different.

I'm gobsmacked so many posters think this is acceptable.

OP, any reputable company would take his actions seriously.

Think about what you want.
I certainly wouldn't resign without making a complaint about his actions.

This work do is an extention of the office.
Would you tolerate his hitting you in the office?

StopWithYourNonsense · 08/12/2023 09:40

What a twat he sounds. I'd avoid him at work and not bother going on any wors outings if he was going. Perhaps he actually fancies you. Certainly not worth resigning over, though.

WalnutBlue · 08/12/2023 09:43

He hit you with his coat that's technically assault, I can't believe people are brushing this behaviour off.
I wouldn't go to any more work dos but if you do decide to leave the company you may aswell report this nobhead.

Pomonas · 08/12/2023 09:45

Also, the guy probably has a bad reputation already so if you feel really up to escalate this situation tell HR. But make sure is about the hitting because telling them he called you boring is kindergarten stuff.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 08/12/2023 09:46

Report the wanker. He sounds like a pig.

Tooshytoshine · 08/12/2023 09:48

I think it is a bit of ageism tbh.

I am in my early forties and was working in a department with a solid group of 25 year olds. I found them a little inane and over dramatic but had been their age so was just friendly and professional. My wild years are behind me but when I was their age I was in bands, travelled, partied and thoroughly enjoyed my youth. They were very tame compared to me at that age.

They told me they had been talking and couldn't imagine that I had ever been drunk or really let my hair down as I am such a mum. Young people think they invented youth and forget that you haven't always been the age you are.

Concentrate on the first part of the comment. They think you are lovely or very nice. The second part was a young doofus putting you in a little box he could understand.

NoTouch · 08/12/2023 09:48

What type of environment was it?

First thing Monday morning I would have a 1-1 with him and explain how his behaviour was inappropriate, unprofessional, reflected badly on him.

I wouldn't focus on the hurt it caused me as I would rise above that as have dealt with dickheads all my life and they just tend to get defensive. I would make it short and sharp, focus on the impact behaviour like that has on his reputation and how people view him.

Have the same conversation with other senior people, again focussing on his behaviour, the culture it encourages, the damage it can do to a companys reputation rather than your hurt.

3luckystars · 08/12/2023 09:54

It’s like in school when they steal your things and try to upset you, when they fancy you.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 08/12/2023 09:58

I love it when people show you who they are.

At least you know to expect him to be sly if you need to work together.

Go do something nice and stop wasting your time thinking about him.

BMW6 · 08/12/2023 10:00

OP he's just a pissed Fuckwit. One of millions.

Give it no more headspace.

Drlate · 08/12/2023 10:02

You feel like resigning because some drunk arsehole told you you’re nice but boring?! Do you generally have issues with self esteem and confidence? Honestly, being called boring really isn’t a big deal at all.

FestiveFruitloop · 08/12/2023 10:08

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:14

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain.

If I were a manager, or in HR, a complaint about something so trivial would have me rolling my eyes and despairing about the resilience of people today.

Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal!

Show quote history

Just because others might not be bothered by this doesn't mean they get to dictate how the OP should feel. That's just shovelling in a layer of invalidation on top of the gaslighting she's already experienced over this.

BlokeHereInPeace · 08/12/2023 10:10

Report the prick.