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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
viques · 09/12/2023 18:02

You are new to the job , but not new to the wonderful world of Wankers at Work. So mark this one with a big red D for dickhead , and be thankful he has shown his true colours before you wasted any time getting to know him better.

Concentrate on doing your job as well as you no doubt do it otherwise they wouldn’t have appointed you. Maybe that is what is making D for Dickhead so insecure, an older, competent woman in a male heavy industry……… His balls are probably tucked up next to his appendix with the thought of it.

GeeEss · 09/12/2023 18:02

Bloomin eck, get a grip?!

Farcis · 09/12/2023 18:04

I am astounded by the people on this thread telling you to ignore this or saying it's not worth a complaint. It absolutely IS worth a complaint. I am HR, and believe me we would take this seriously.

The days when this kind of thing were ok are long gone. In fact it was never ok, but blind eyes are no longer turned.

BackOfTheMum5net · 09/12/2023 18:04

This is classic negging.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/12/2023 18:05

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:53

You need to learn the definition of "bullying". A one-off incident is not bullying.

All I can say is, I am glad I am not HR in the companies you work in. Some of you need to learn to 'adult' not run to HR with every little complaint! Don't you think they've enough to do?!

Show quote history

Yes very sensible of you not to work in HR. I don't think you'd be good at it.

Notimeforidiots69 · 09/12/2023 18:05

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

This totally sums it up perfectly! He used some patter to try and lighten you up a bit... Maybe he thought you looked like you weren't enjoying yourself... Sadly though, he didn't follow that very well, but it's certainly nothing to resign over! Yes, he's been a total dick after his initial remark... But let's hope he thinks about it and apologises on Monday morning!

TerrysNeapolitan · 09/12/2023 18:06

Bloke is a KNOB HEAD OP - you are not at fault.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:06

Farcis · 09/12/2023 18:04

I am astounded by the people on this thread telling you to ignore this or saying it's not worth a complaint. It absolutely IS worth a complaint. I am HR, and believe me we would take this seriously.

The days when this kind of thing were ok are long gone. In fact it was never ok, but blind eyes are no longer turned.

I am HR too, ER actually, and this is a complaint I'd be duty bound to investigate, but wouldn't be able to reach an outcome.

In my world, there has to be actual evidence. I usually find in these cases that people who may have heard it, develop amnesia or a selective memory because they don't want to get involved.

Which leaves one person's word against another's. Would you really go to discipline on that basis?? I'd be astounded by that!

Adelyra · 09/12/2023 18:07

Was he "negging" you?

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:08

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/12/2023 18:05

Yes very sensible of you not to work in HR. I don't think you'd be good at it.

Show quote history

I'm a fucking amazing, very knowledgeable and experienced, highly-regarded and qualified professional 😂

Fortunately I couldn't give a jot about your ignorance re bullying.

JintyMcG1422 · 09/12/2023 18:09

No you are not ABU, he’s an idiot. F him. Do NOT resign, you’ve done nothing wrong.

FeetupTvon · 09/12/2023 18:10

I would put it down to the fact that he is an idiot- however hitting you on the head ‘accidentally’ not once but twice is very odd.

Doodleflips · 09/12/2023 18:11

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:14

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain.

If I were a manager, or in HR, a complaint about something so trivial would have me rolling my eyes and despairing about the resilience of people today.

Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal!

Show quote history

What.the.fuck!? You are a huge part of the problem! Women need to stick together and stand up to knob head men like this.
Emotionally abusive behaviour (and that is exactly what it is) is not acceptable and he should be complained about!
Why TF should the op stand for being insulted, gaslighted, negged etc
Honestly, I despair of some women.

IamMoodyBlue · 09/12/2023 18:13

You behaved impeccably!
You remained calm & dignified and should be proud of yourself.

Do you like your job? Can you be sure of easily finding another job, wiith a guarantee of no pathetic bullying idiots?
If you're happy, don't let this nasty incident spoil things for you.
But, I strongly recommend making a note of his behaviour, with time place date & if possible, name of someone who can corroborate what happened.
If anything further should occur, note that too. Then, if you feel you need to, you can go to management or union if management doesn't act, armed with actual precise details, rather than more vague, general comments.
Hopefully it won't come to that. But, if it does, remember that it is not your fault and you deserve better!

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 18:17

toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:16

@LostFrog yes I did post at 02:49.

I wasn't drunk and have woken up this morning feeling the same way as I did last night.

I don't think me staying out past 10pm gives a colleague license to be rude to me

Out of interest, (sorry if I've missed it) but where are the two of you, seniority-wise?

And was any management out with you?

NeedSomeHeadspace · 09/12/2023 18:17

I’d be discreetly asking other colleagues if this guy normally becomes gobby and outspoken at company do’s. My first thought, although he clearly has the wrong approach, was that maybe he fancies you and he was trying to provoke some strong reaction, hoping you might be squiffy enough to snog him to prove you’re not boring!!! Don’t feel down about it, he’s probably an idiot who has no idea how to charm people generally.

Sanguinello · 09/12/2023 18:24

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 08/12/2023 03:36

I think he was negging. Making you feel bad about your self so you feel insecure and when he make an advance on you your more likely to say yes to prove your nor boring.

well done for calling him out.

I agree. He'll have read online that it's a great way of getting women. 🙄😴

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:24

IamMoodyBlue · 09/12/2023 18:13

You behaved impeccably!
You remained calm & dignified and should be proud of yourself.

Do you like your job? Can you be sure of easily finding another job, wiith a guarantee of no pathetic bullying idiots?
If you're happy, don't let this nasty incident spoil things for you.
But, I strongly recommend making a note of his behaviour, with time place date & if possible, name of someone who can corroborate what happened.
If anything further should occur, note that too. Then, if you feel you need to, you can go to management or union if management doesn't act, armed with actual precise details, rather than more vague, general comments.
Hopefully it won't come to that. But, if it does, remember that it is not your fault and you deserve better!

Very sensible advice. Management can't act on a vague complaint without any evidence - this guy may well be a renowned dick but you can't throw the book at him without any proof!

Do not allow this wanker the power to hurt you!

Sanguinello · 09/12/2023 18:31

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:14

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain.

If I were a manager, or in HR, a complaint about something so trivial would have me rolling my eyes and despairing about the resilience of people today.

Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal!

Show quote history

No, you don't sound laid back at all. People who feel the need to tell people how laid back they are are usually the most uptight people around.

Farcis · 09/12/2023 18:36

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 18:06

I am HR too, ER actually, and this is a complaint I'd be duty bound to investigate, but wouldn't be able to reach an outcome.

In my world, there has to be actual evidence. I usually find in these cases that people who may have heard it, develop amnesia or a selective memory because they don't want to get involved.

Which leaves one person's word against another's. Would you really go to discipline on that basis?? I'd be astounded by that!

Show quote history

I didn't say I'd go to discipline, I said it was worth a complaint, and we'd take that complaint seriously, which would of course start with an investigation.

And actually, I'm finding selective amnesia to be less of a problem than it was pre-Covid.

Wiseoldbird51 · 09/12/2023 18:42

Get over yourself! There’s twats everywhere you work.

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 18:42

This guy was trying to neg you. Look it up. It's super old hat now and embarrassing. He's a total c**t. Ignore him and avoid like the plague in future.

McMahon · 09/12/2023 18:49

You resign he has given you a load of hassle. That's an overreaction.

Sorry but you need a bit more resilience in the modern workplace.

Dreamingof2 · 09/12/2023 18:52

It was a chat up line. A sh*t one but one never the less x

fetchacloth · 09/12/2023 18:53

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 08/12/2023 09:13

This ^ He didn’t really think you are boring. It was a clumsy way to chat you up.

Show quote history

I agree this is what I think too. But I also think he's too pathetic to be bothered about and certainly not worth resigning over.