To be so offended :(

[toospenny]

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

If you're offended at that, I think you need to grow a thicker skin. 🙄

You should have replied “funny that’s exactly what your ex girlfriend said about you” and then walked off.

I wouldn’t resign but when you go to work go straight up to him and say “ don’t ever speak to me like that again because next time I won’t be nice” don’t let him think he can get to you - nip him in the bud

OP he gets the award for the clumsiest pass of the year. You were meant to start downing shots with him and become the easy mark that he mistook you for. Please don't resign, if you enjoyed speaking with your other colleagues then you know he is an isolated case of idiot.

100% this. He wasn't expecting a strong reaction from you, hence the gaslighting after

We would too, but it would be utterly pointless.

I haven't noticed any difference. Was just working through an outcome with a manager yesterday and there were 6 of them who refused to get involved. What can you do!

Why would he go up to you and declare you’re nice but boring, as if it’s your job to entertain him?!

Tell him to fuck off.

Hello all,

I stepped away for a day to think things through. I've managed to read some comments but not all - thank you for the supportive comments.

For the less supportive comments it's interesting to hear your perspective. So thank you too.

For clarity I work in a very male dominated industry. I'm employed by a boutique company. There is no HR. I get paid far more than the going rate as a result.

I'm in a far junior position to this person in terms of role and time at the company.

Id also like to clarify that while I was/am mildly surprised by being called boring for no apparent reason - I could easily move past that if when confronted he'd acknowledge it was a bit off.

The fact he went to the effort to cross a room to bring me his thoughts is surprising in itself - his opinion of me is his own business and none of mine as far as I'm concerned.

What has really gotten to me is the fact he looked me straight in the face and told me I was imagining things and tried to really manipulate the situation. When that didn't work he hit me with his coat when my back was turned and when I told him to stop he sneered at me.

Just that alone is so odd in a professional environment. Also who the hell does he think he is to treat me like that.

I acknowledge he was drunk but is that an excuse to treat the only woman at a corporate function, who hardly knows anyone like shit?

For fullness - we don't depend on my income. The money is nice but we could easily live without it. I've had my concerns about the company since day one and I think this has gotten to me so much because out of all of them I thought he was one of the "nice guys"!

He fancies you.

He's a dick.

Presumably you took this job because you wanted it. Don't resign over a dick. Everybody else thinks he's a dick too, even if they're being nice because they have to work with the dick.

I wouldn't make a point of arguing with Dick or asking for an apology, but maybe make dropping in "nice but boring" as part of your daily interaction. Sign off the odd email with that. If he laughs, think nice thoughts that maybe he recognises he was being a dick and move on. If he frowns, he's a wrinkly dick.

He should resign! Not you!
I agree it would be upsetting initially but he’s the one that should be crawling into a hole right now.
If I were you, I would “discreetly” mention his faux pas in a few well chosen ears. Very soon you’ll find out that he has a track record of making a fool of himself/bullying new staff/being a general embarrassment and a creep. The rest of your new colleagues will be as pleasant as people usually are.

I hear you, but may I suggest it is f-ing exhausting to have to call out the patriarchy?
We are responsible to make change. 🤔

He sounds like a complete idiot! You handled the situation well and I certainly wouldn't resign!

Just to be clear. While for some it may seem I am very thin skinned. It couldn't be further from the truth. I have had far worse said and done to me in work and life in general.

This whole encounter was just so strange and unsettling.

We were having such a nice time and he'd been chatting away all night really friendly and in a matter of moments he just turned.

I can't quite express how disconcerting it was. The fact a colleague had witnessed the whole thing and was shocked by it too says a lot

It's good that you have a witness. He should be treated with contempt and a complete lack of trust at all times in future.

I’d be pissed at this too, but honestly, you are giving it far too much headspace.

He’s an arsehole. There are loads of them. He’s an arsehole for thinking he could just comment on your personality like that, an arsehole for thinking his opinion was worth a dime to you, and an arsehole for not even owning having been an arsehole.

But on the plus side, you’ve discovered early on in your job that he is an arsehole and that is useful info.

He's a wanker. And, I suspect, is trying a supposedly foolproof pickup technique called negging

The idea is that you get offended, and decide to show him that you are far from boring. For example, by drinking too much, if he is lucky, or by trying to impress him with your wit or whatever.

Then when he gives you his approval for this, you will immediately fall into bed with him. Of course!

I know it's crap, but I'm afraid my advice would be to just pretend it didn't happen.

An obvious chat up line that went wrong, what a loser.

Don’t resign, op.

If the money isn't an issue and you have reservations that the company is for you I would definitely resign, but I would also make sure I my issues with the company are clearly put in my resignation letter. Isn't there a web page that employees can rate a company? I am sorry I can't remember the name, I would definitely leave a review on there.

Sadly the world is full of dickheads like this who think women exist for their benefit.

He isn’t worth any headspace. Avoid him where can but don’t let him get away with any other comments without a sharp retort.

I have spent my career in male-dominated environments and the only way is to slap twats down, verbally and by being better than them.

What a prick. I have no idea why some of the comments here are unsupportive. It's clear he was extremely rude and had no business speaking to you like that. I'd expect more from a 5yo to be honest.

Give him a wide berth op, no point dwelling on it. He was out of order and, besides, what he thinks of you is of no interest or consequence to you. Bet he's a prick when sober too.

I’m really sad reading all of the responses telling OP to ignore it or claim he fancies her. He hit her ‘accidentally on purpose’ too.

This is no different from telling little girls that the boy who bullied you at school fancies you. No he doesn’t, it’s a power move, he’s a bully. We haven’t moved on. This is why so many men feel comfortable with treating women like shit. There are so many women breaking their necks to excuse them.

I wouldn’t be looking forward to work on Monday with this prick.

Yes I agree.

As some have said, a workplace party is an extension of the workplace. Would you think it ok for someone to tell you you are boring in the office or the school staffroom? Let alone hit you over the head?

No, thought not.

And being drunk isn't an excuse, it actually aggravates things.

What are you going to do about it though? I’ve worked in small pretty much all male companies and you are going to have to face him. The power dynamic here is way off and you need to continue to show you won’t ignore this behaviour whilst not looking for a fight. I would go for raised eyebrows and a head shake when you see him next. If he asks what’s wrong or if there’s a problem just say “I think you know what” and leave it at that.

All I can say is, I am glad I am not HR in the companies you work in. Some of you need to learn to 'adult' not run to HR with every little complaint! Don't you think they've enough to do

Definitely not. It's mostly work creation for themselves. I work for a really great employer, but I have little time for most of the HR team.

I think this is concerning..Very! The fact that he had been pleasant and then turned is worrying. That he hit you twice with his coat is also alarming. Is he aware that he was observed? I would record this incident to myself in an email, stating that you are doing so because you are concerned that his behaviour may escalate. Include the name and position of the witness. That way the record will be timed and dated. If you do have any type of supervision, you can informally mention it to your Manager. There may be a lot of office politics unbeknown to yourself. Whatever you do be careful. Sometimes situations can be turned against the victim. On the other hand, your Manager may already be aware of the his type of behaviour. You are right to feel aggrieved.