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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 09/12/2023 20:24

OK OP, as you have a witness, write down what happened and their reaction and email it to yourself so you have a dated record.

On Monday, say to him that you didn't appreciate his behaviour and that you think he owes you an apology for his gaslighting and unprofessionalism. If he tries to pull the drunk card, tell him that it aggravates the situation, it's not even remotely an excuse. And if he starts to get aggressive or nasty, that's the point at which you say you will be consulting a lawyer about sex (age as well?) discrimination and is he still sure that he doesn't want to apologise?

Whalewatchers · 09/12/2023 20:25

"that's a very strange and to be honest, rude, thing to say and to be honest, far for the truth, but I guess you don't know me at all".

Whalewatchers · 09/12/2023 20:26

Or "I find I am boring when I am around boring people, as we have nothing in common" 😜

Faybian · 09/12/2023 20:29

It sounds like he was coming on to you to me. He was obviously drunk and was hoping to goad you into getting drunk too. Thank goodness you handled it well. This is why getting drunk at work doos can be a disaster. It is him who should feel like resigning, not you. He is probably worried sick that you will put in an official complaint, as well you might.

MsCactus · 09/12/2023 20:31

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

Yeah, I think he was negging you in order to try and chat you up OP

ForlTonightlGodlIslalDJ · 09/12/2023 20:34

Wtf he'd be eating his coat if it was me 😂but then I have massive anger issues.

ForlTonightlGodlIslalDJ · 09/12/2023 20:35

To be honest though I agree with others that it was probably meant in a prove you're not kind of way i.e he was flirting.

Jeannie88 · 09/12/2023 20:35

He doesn't know you and was very rude and provoking. Clearly a knob, even if drunk no excuse. Clearly enjoys trying to wind people up, assume he's known for it and not very popular anyway. X

neilyoungismyhero · 09/12/2023 20:37

This is definitely a case of its not you it's him. He's a complete tool honestly and you really shouldn't be concerning yourself. You're not there to entertain them workwise or socially - you have a job to do you don't have to validate yourself to anyone.

SequentialAnalyst · 09/12/2023 20:38

I should add that as OP is fairly new in the job, and may well need a job to earn a living, my advice to ignore is just me being pragmatic.

I used to work for the CAB, and in employment cases, we would advise on what evidence there was to challenge the employer and how to do it, however, we would also point out that the effect on the employee and the attitude of their employer might mean that there could be downsides to proceeding even with a watertight case. We never advise(d) people what to do, just laid out their options for them to decide what to do.

Original poster
toospenny · 09/12/2023 20:48

If I did complain it would be so painfully awkward it just wouldn't be worth it. He's a extremely popular and well thought of part of the (very) small team entirely made up of men.

I'd never be able to make a complaint and stay.

I'd be cast as the hysterical feminist newcomer.

OP posts:
Original poster
toospenny · 09/12/2023 20:54

I'm also concerned that if he does remember his behaviour he will preempt me saying anything by twisting what happened

I wouldn't put it past him to say ooooh X was very shirty last night and completely misunderstood/overreacted. While not mentioning the gaslighting and hitting...obviously

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 09/12/2023 20:59

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 17:57

Victim blaming much. This guy has physically assaulted OP and gaslighted her, no where has OP said that she’s done the same.

Show quote history

I’ve seen nothing about physical assault.

exaltedwombat · 09/12/2023 20:59

At a drinking party I'd set the 'getting offended' bar a bit higher than a cheeky comment like that. Heck, after enough drinks I'd probably flirt with my grandparents - and I'm not too sure they wouldn't enjoy it :-) And when it looked like it might become an issue, I can see why he went for denial as his best strategy. This doesn't make any of it right, but it makes it understandable.

Is this really about general dissatisfaction with the job? You say it pays better than you'd expect. A touch of imposter syndrome? Bang on through it and enjoy the pay packet!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/12/2023 21:04

toospenny · 09/12/2023 20:54

I'm also concerned that if he does remember his behaviour he will preempt me saying anything by twisting what happened

I wouldn't put it past him to say ooooh X was very shirty last night and completely misunderstood/overreacted. While not mentioning the gaslighting and hitting...obviously

Classic abuser behaviour, then. At least if you put it in writing to HR, owner etc you won't have been a push-over. Your fears are valid, but we've also been conditioned to be silent out of fear of retribution.

Crumble24 · 09/12/2023 21:14

Absolutely, he is the one with the problem and does n't know how to handle the fact that he 'likes' you

Jewel52 · 09/12/2023 21:17

greencheetah · 08/12/2023 06:01

Agree with PP, resigning would be insane.

He’s a loser. Sadly this is true of many people. Just avoid him.

Yep, it’s just up to her to adjust her behaviour. No repercussions for him of course because it’s ok for a man to be a loser. And you’ll come back to me saying I didn’t specify, I said “many people” but really it’s men who say this shit and it’s women who overreact if they dare to call it out. Don’t avoid him so he moves on to the next new female, he’s a misogynistic arsehole and needs to be called by that name

Bernardmanning · 09/12/2023 21:23

I think that it was a really poor attempt to make a move on you.
He tells you that he thinks that you are boring.
By default he supposes that this makes him exciting.
He wants you to feel insecure and prove that you are neither nice nor boring by getting drunk and grinding on him.

LittleGreenDragons · 09/12/2023 21:25

We were having such a nice time and he'd been chatting away all night really friendly and in a matter of moments he just turned.

I suspect drugs had been taken if his personality changed that quickly, especially if another colleague was shocked by the behaviour. Sounds awful OP.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 09/12/2023 21:44

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal! SAME!!!!!! 🙄🙄🙄

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/12/2023 22:00

Ohnoooooooo · 08/12/2023 05:19

It was clearly a chat up line. He likes you. Or did. He sounds very immature.

This, exactly! It was his stupid-arse way of trying to chat you up.

Billybea · 09/12/2023 22:08

He clearly wanted get to know you better but went about it the wrong way and thought he was being clever, don't be upset he's a prat. You should have said you're on you're best behaviour because when you drink you speak the truth and normally tell dickheads like him to f*ck off!

FreddieMercurysCat · 09/12/2023 22:27

Hallelujah! So many stupid comments here telling OP to basically suck it up. Abso-bloody-lutely NOT! If he can’t hold his drink at a work function report him. Do not put up with this bollocks.

FreddieMercurysCat · 09/12/2023 22:28

@Billybea
WTAF?

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 22:46

As you're the only woman there, I think he probably wants to drive you out.Sorry.

I couldn't work with all men. Is it pretty awful generally?