Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 22:27

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 22:24

It is the perfect scenario for pedophiliac-tending men to lie, embellish, and manipulate the outcome.

I am not sure why you are so keen to downplay the prevalence of pedophiles in our society. But I think your arguments are silly.

Show quote history

FFS I am not "keen to downplay" anything.

I am simply pointing out that you can not implicitly trust that the results of a blind survey reflect reality.

For all we know, it could be that 20 of 20 men is the reality and 19 of 20 in that survey were lying. Does that also fit this nonsense narrative that I'm "downplaying"?

toomanyleggings · 07/12/2023 22:28

I treat all men with suspicion when it comes to my dd tbh. She’s 10. I wouldn’t let her go to sleepovers and will try to put it off as long as possible. I unfortunately did come into contact with a pedophile in a very ordinary sort of scenario when I was 7 though so I’m hyper vigilant. Most people like to live in ignorant bliss

LoveBluey · 07/12/2023 22:29

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 18:48

In reply to your comment @Greenshake, I absolutely did NOT mean socio-economic means of identifying paedophiles. The groups I teach are disparate in most ways.
What they appear to share is a lack of aggressive testosterone. They are kind, soft, warm, polite, inoffensive. The kind of men that women feel safe with. They often hold down decent jobs, and appear very sensitive and safe. They are likeable and personable and appear kind.

This really resonates and I think it's so important to listen to instincts.

I don't believe for one minute that any man who chooses to work with children is a threat. I have experience of 2 male nursery workers who I trusted and were excellent at their jobs. My DD had a male year one teacher who again I had no concerns about. However there is a new male teacher who I instantly have taken a dislike to because there is just something about him that sets me on edge. He teaches a few years above but if he is still there when my DD gets to that year group I will absolutely be requesting she is not in his class. I don't know what it is but he does fit this profile you've mentioned and I feel really uncomfortable around him.

CityLass · 07/12/2023 22:42

kitsuneghost · 07/12/2023 17:12

How would you feel if her nursery/primary teacher was male. Surely you would trust them. So you probably are only not trusting strangers, which is sensible.

A male nursery teacher? Not coming near my child.

As a mother, I have been given the responsibility of protecting my child and I don’t give a damn if that’s not PC.

Talk to any policeman or woman, they’ll tell you what’s really going on out there.

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 22:43

@CityLass so you'd believe a policeman? Why? If you don't trust a male nursery teacher?

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 22:52

kitsuneghost · 07/12/2023 17:12

How would you feel if her nursery/primary teacher was male. Surely you would trust them. So you probably are only not trusting strangers, which is sensible.

Identity of former childcare worker charged with sexually abusing 91 children revealed under new Queensland laws as Ashley Paul Griffith - ABC News

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/12/2023 22:57

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 18:14

What have I just read?
Men who want to work with children are ‘weird’?
FFS.
I can’t even begin with this.

My perspective is that most adults like spending their time doing "adult" things, not playing kids games or trying to control groups of children. The caveats are one's own children and that women are much more drawn to and good at nurturing than men are (as a rule, obviously, not in every case).

As a man I do not want to work with kids because I want to be thinking and doing adult things. I have never - and I swear this is true - seen any indication from any man, ever, that spending time with other people's kids is enjoyable. One does it because you have to at barbecues, and someone has to run the under 11 team your son plays on so it might as well be you, or the quite like explaining things to others and they find teaching easier to get into than adult education. I have NEVER met a man who has ever given me any indication that hanging around with other people's kids is something they would actively choose to do. In fact more common is my perspective... if you want me to teach Primary then I need £200k per year (despite earning much less than that in my current job).

As I made clear, maybe my perspective is all wrong, but I honestly think most men want to watch adult stuff and have adult chats, and time with other people's kids is one of the big downsides of having your own. I am suspicious of any man who wants to teach.

When I think of my own middle school there was only one male teacher (I was never in his class). All the girls loved him and all the boys were terrified. How and why was that? My son had one male teacher in primary - by far the worst (at teaching), least empathetic and most disliked of all the teachers my son has had.

I am not saying all men, and I think women who want to work with kids are weird too, just not as weird because they are naturally much more nurturing on average

God you're a pompous knobber. It's posts like this which make me YEARN for a women only forum.

Nowdontmakeamess · 07/12/2023 23:02

VanityDiesHard · 07/12/2023 20:59

I generally employ a healthy and professional level of suspicion at all times.

I'm terribly sorry for what you went through, that would be bound to change your perspective on things like this. However, I would gently suggest that too much suspicion is not 'healthy'. I'm not sure where this safeguarding person gets their figures from, but one in ten seems an awfully high number. I keep hearing these extremely high numbers of potential pedophiles cited and it just seems so so unlikely to me. I am forty years old, have know many people intimately (I don't mean just sexually, I mean in terms of friendships) and I can name one person who I know for certain went through sexual abuse as a young person. I just don't think that pedophilia is as common as people on this thread seem to think.

Show quote history

The NSPCC estimates 1 in 20 children are sexually abused, and this is likely an underestimation given how many children will never tell anyone.

In 2021 more than 29 million child abuse images were detected and removed from the internet. So that’s just the ones which were found. In a single year.

Someone is carrying out and/or viewing that abuse so I’d say 1 in 10 is a pretty good estimate.

Parents are the first line of defence against these predators and burying your head in the sand will not protect your children.

And the most common perpetrators are known to the child - relatives, close family friends, coaches, teachers etc.

LazyGaaGaa · 07/12/2023 23:03

I've always been the same OP with my 3 boys.

We have sexual abuse in our wider family. My mother and 2 Aunts were abused by their uncle and their brother. Both reported it as children but it was hushed up.

My Grandmother married a convicted pedophile. We never visited.

My childhood friend and her siblings were abused by both their father and mother. They were sentenced when my friend spoke out at 16. I spent so much time sleeping over at their house and they seemed a very "normal" family.

Our neighbour; a teacher, was charged with sexual abuse against minors and thousands of child pornography was recovered from the home.

I remember reading an article years ago about a young boy who had used the toilets unaccompanied whilst his mother waited outside, he was sexuslly assaulted inside the toilets.

My children are 7, 9, 10 and I don't allow them in public toilets alone.

I'm always shocked at the amount of parents who drop and run at parties held at public facilities, whilst the host is no where to be seen, the children are running in and out of the toilets accessible to all.

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 07/12/2023 23:04

I used to work in children's safeguarding and honestly it has scarred me. Paedophiles and those imvolced with CSA are more common than people would think.

A few years ago 4 people in my town that I knew by name were convicted. The following year the local tae kwon do teacher was convicted for the worst type of sexual abuse. Then somebody I went to school with was sentenced because he raped a minor. He's out now. I recently saw him while I was with my dd and we walked the other way. I felt sick.

DH and I do disagree about sleepovers and going to friends houses. I am in the firm no unless we know them well and trust them camp. He thinks it is fine because he went to sleepovers a lot as a child. He is male, that is a big difference.

Orangeandgold · 07/12/2023 23:08

I don’t blame you for thinking like this. I feel the exact same way. I know a few friends that were sadly sexually assaulted at young ages.

It sounds biased but I always leave my DD with a female if I drop her off somewhere. I agree with the people saying that maybe there is some things to unpick - I grew up in a very matriarchal household and community where the men weirdly weren’t around children anyway.

I don’t have an issue with my DD speaking to my male friends or being around them. Males in the family have never offered to babysit etc and I don’t have many uncles or in touch with dads side. This is a “me” problem - but she spends time with her dad and even he is very cautious of DD being left alone with other men!

CJsGoldfish · 07/12/2023 23:10

She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her
If you don't get your paranoia and anxiety under control, she will absolutely be affected by it. 100%

God you're a pompous knobber. It's posts like this which make me YEARN for a women only forum
Same

Mylifehasimploded · 07/12/2023 23:12

My dad abused my daughters

muckymayhem · 08/12/2023 00:29

I don't think it's abnormal to worry about this - I don't even like my nearly 12 yo DS going in the men's loos unaccompanied. Obviously he has to sometimes, but you just never know do you?

NotEvenThought · 08/12/2023 00:43

There isn't a 'type'. Perhaps the ones in prison are a specific type. The type that get caught?

I think you can be hyper vigilant and relaxed at the same time. I quietly made sure my kids were protected from the risk of pedophiles as much as I could. They didn't have male babysitters ever etc. it didn't mean I was panicking snd worrying about it all the time, I just quietly minimised the risks.

WandaWonder · 08/12/2023 00:52

Immaculate conception? what about all your male relatives/colleagues/friends

How do you know everyone you are slept with including yourself is not one?

sure people can go on 'men do it more' but there are female ones also, so you will be home schooling?

Foxyaus · 08/12/2023 00:55

Greenshake · 07/12/2023 21:22

WHY do some posters still use the term ‘child pornography’? It’s inappropriate and minimises the subject.

Because that is the legal term in my country, as used by police and the Court.

Rockofages3 · 08/12/2023 01:39

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

What is the type?

Spongeeater · 08/12/2023 03:20

Greenshake · 07/12/2023 21:22

WHY do some posters still use the term ‘child pornography’? It’s inappropriate and minimises the subject.

Exactly

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/12/2023 05:58

onwardsup4 · 07/12/2023 20:45

Yes the Elf is meant to entertain but by telling a young child they're beautiful? Sorry but it is creepy and if something seems creepy then you should definitely trust your instincts OP. No situation is 100 % safe and it's sensible to question why someone might want a job as an "elf". Not to say it's necessarily the case but nothing wrong with being vigilant at all!

Show quote history

I said I trust my instincts and I'm clearly not leaving my child with a random elf. But people tell my DD she's beautiful all the time, cos she is. Astonishingly so. I know I'm biased but it comes from everywhere. Am I supposed to assume all of these people only want to hurt her? Or use my common sense and be happy people think my child is lovely, whilst at the same time not handing her over to anyone and everyone.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/12/2023 06:10

@ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO so by your logic, you can trust your child's grandparents implicitly, because they raised you and protected you from everything, but you'll never leave them alone with them because there's always a chance that NOW they'll hurt them? Or, do you trust yourself and your instincts?

Thegoodbadandugly · 08/12/2023 06:13

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

Your child will pick up on your anxiety no matter what you think. Yes be aware but this is way to much.

curaçao · 08/12/2023 06:50

Obviously most men who work with kids are not paedophiles, but best case scenario (IMHO) they are weird.

You think every male teacher, football coach, paediatrician is either weird or a paedophile?
Would you openly post such blatant racist view points?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 08/12/2023 07:02

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos no.

Lentilweaver · 08/12/2023 07:10

As a man I do not want to work with kids because I want to be thinking and doing adult things. I have never - and I swear this is true - seen any indication from any man, ever, that spending time with other people's kids is enjoyable.

My dad was a pediatrician. He wasn't weird or a pedophile. I happily left DD alone with him, often. I don't have a brother, but I would have left DD alone with both bils, if necessary in an emergency. It hasn't been necessary.

I understand child abuse is very common, but the fear on this thread by some posters seems over the top. You can't go through life constantly assuming that your child is going to be abused, and alerting at anyone saying they are beautiful. In my non-British culture, all children are often told they are beautiful and often hugged or had cheeks patted by people not related to them. It's not people being creepy.

DD is now grown and travels on her own in Asian countries ( we are Asian and visit family there) I tell her to trust her instincts and take precautions, but I am not going to tell her to be constantly afraid. That's no way to live.

Swipe left for the next trending thread