Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

[Cantgetwarmbrr]

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

I was sexually assaulted on a school trip, so yes, I am proud that I have kept her safe. I am also ND, so I have a very black and white view on things. Yes, I know that I will have to ease up at some stage, but I cannot think that far ahead yet.

I am deeply sorry for your assault @fliptopbin and that of other posters on this thread, but I still feel that to always keep the possibility of sexual assault in the back of your head and to be forever on guard is just not sustainable. And will alienate your DDs eventually. In any case, as OP says, she hates feeling like this.

follow @Adam_whittington23 on Instagram, he is the CEO of Project Rescue Children and honestly really opened my eyes. I don't think you are being over the top and i think its far better to be like yourself then to be too trusting. i have DS9 and whilst he is a proper home bird, i wouldn't allow him to sleep out unless it was at my mums or grandmas house.

My good lord.

Maybe I have been very lax. DC are now grown. DS used to play football and probably spent hours with PE coaches. Not alone, but he could have been? How does one safeguard against that without restricting your child from doing stuff they enjoy? He went on football trips away from about 10, I think.

Not lax, sane. I hope that some of the neurotics on this thread have ringfenced the money they saved on their kids' cancelled trips for therapy for them later in life. The one about the constantly positive Covid test actually comes close to child abuse in its own right, I feel.

It’s totally sustainable and sensible to keep on in the back of your head- it’s not like it takes a lot of time.

At playgroups I could always see him (normal, sustainable behaviour)

My son went to nursery at 3 1/2- I chose one with high staff to children ratio so there is no need for an adult to be alone with children except for occasional times.

I chose a nursery where there were only women employed and no parent helpers or volunteers at any time.

I kept an eye on him for changes in behaviour/not wanting to go to nursery/changes in his mood. (Normal and sustainable).

He went to school- one with a female head and female teachers- not that that is a sure fire way to avoid anything but statistically it’s safer. I made sure their safeguarding policy was good and their knowledge was up to date when we talked to them( I presume everyone researches schools before they choose one- normal and sustainable). I continued to keep an eye on my child’s behaviour and demeanour etc, like all parents do.

He goes to hobbies and lessons- they either have cctv playing in the waiting room so everyone can see the lesson happening or I stick my head round the door semi regularly (enough that the adults know I’m there and it’s a deterrent because they might be seen at any time)- this takes a few minutes a few times a week.

I leave my son with my dad, his own dad, my wife, my mum, my sister, my best friends (up to a point- he hasn’t had a sleepover with anyone except my parents, and one is planned with my sister)- he isn’t short of relationships with other adults, he just doesn’t need to be left with them.

He has been on school trips, just not residential ones (he wouldn’t want to go anyway).

Im actually a really really laid back parent, he runs pretty wild-

I have no problem with climbing trees, swimming in open water, climbing cliffs, hanging upside down off high things, eating edible plants he finds, staying up late, walking around the park or moors without shoes, using tools, making food, he has 100% control over his diet and a million other things that parents get anxious about…. If he wants something in a shop he askes for himself, he negotiates his homework assignments with his tutors on his own, he deals with friendship conflicts on his own (unless someone is being violent of something), he has near complete control over his learning process (he is home educated now).

An amount of benign neglect is good for children to build confidence and know themselves and their strengths and limitations - but it is beyond a 9 year olds capacity to deal with sexual predators, so I am vigilant for him.

@Greenshake Differing opinions is great, you weren’t having a different opinion, you were implying something really bloody awful, which is upsetting and wrong, I think you need to look at yourself and get you felt the need to do that, very odd.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I can see that some feel the same and many others think I’m being too anxious. I accept that I am and it’s something I’ll need to work on as my Dd gets older and will want more freedom, so hard though isn’t it, the natural instinct to protect from evil is so strong

I wasn’t implying anything, I was quite clear. Anyway, let’s both move on.

It's not healthy to be hyper-vigilant, and there are trade-offs. Just like any kind of vigilance about things which are not wholly within our control. A certain amount of awareness can have huge gains, but more gives diminishing returns and downsides.

I was victimized by a neighbourhood pervert as a kid, so I'm not unaware that such people exist. But it's also important for kids to have natural relationships with people, and to feel they can move about in the world.

And also - to know that when something bad happens, in most cases it doesn't actually destroy us as people. We aren't ruined. Too much creation of fear around specific things like this can inadvertently create the impression that when something happens, it's the End.

Have you considered enrolling her into some sort of self defence, karate, mixed martial arts classes? Also, make sure she understands the pants rule and about body autonomy. My kids are never told to hug of kiss anyonevincluding me. I ask would you like a hug or hug would you like to say bye to nanny hug, kiss or high fives?

It crosses my mind sometimes. I do a lot to educate her on her body (using correct words for all her body parts), saying no one should be asking to see her body unless it's a doctor and Mummy and/or Daddy are there. Telling her adults don't normally want to be friends with kids, so while we love when she likes our friends, they are Mummy and Daddy's friends and shouldn't ever seek her out for 1-1 'playtime'.

Having said that, there are lots of men we know I would be happy to leave her with and I trust implicitly. We have a lot wonderful men in our life who are very respectful and kind and I think it's wonderful she has men like that in her life who can set a good expectation of how she should be treated.

@Greenshake Quite clear why? What would possess your mind to think that way on a perfectly innocent post about the one thing I was worried about? I’m a mid 40’s mum with a 5 year old Dd, posted on here for years. Why be so twisted and nasty, what is the point, your mind really thinks that way, then you need help.

Tbh I haven’t had any discussions with her yet as I don’t want to scare/take away that innocence 😢She’s with me all the time at the moment, aside from school, where it’s all women and I know women can be abusers, but it’s so much less likely, I feel ok with her at school

My two DSDs were sexually abused by their mother and stepfather (who also abused numerous other children).

My DH and I supported them through the resulting court case and their mother going to prison, and I heard more about the workings of a series of sick minds than i ever wanted to.

With my daughter (mine and DHs, born in the midst of the court case) I am now hugely paranoid. Having heard how a MOTHER can be a risk, I now trust very very few people.
Before the experience I would have trusted many of our friends and family implicitly, but she is now never alone with anyone but us, and my mum. I had to leave her with my dad in an emergency recently (who I trust totally and dotes on her) and even that scared me witless. Entirely unjustified, my dad isn't a risk, but couldn't help it.

Experience breeds fear, unfortunately

You need to start NOW. We are the same age with kids the same age. I'm teaching my two now because as women pedophiles are not the only threat. Don't get me wrong I don't see danger at every corner but I do know that 59% of young women aged 13-21 say they had faced some form of sexual harassment at school or college in the past year. I know that girls are being constantly harrased for sexually explicit pictures from a very young age.

I teaching them now that we dont have secrets. That no one touches them in there pants area. That no one is allowed to touch them if they dont want them to Including me and their dad. They ard practicing having boundaries and saying no with people they trust. A women patted my daughter (5) on the head in the shop. She told her don't touch me. I think she did a great job.

You can teach them in an age appropriate way. Have you seen pantasauras? It's all aimed at 3+. It's not scary at all.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LnroTxz7USI

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/schools/pants-teaching

https://shop.nspcc.org.uk/products/pants-activity-pack-1?currency=GBP&variant=39763112722499&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&stkn=2cad36bceafd&gclid=CjwKCAiAmsurBhBvEiwA6e-WPM07KVCrzurN4jkuWIrjoLTXYhkKv3h9bEFdItg73OjuY20VXU3j8BoCegUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Um, I was abused by my grandfather, and another close family member harassed me, and only managed not to abuse me because 'thanks' (ha) to previous abuse, I knew what was what and exhausted myself outrunning his advances.

I let my daughters go on sleepovers. Only once they were old enough to understand the concept of 'nothing wrong with bits, but they're private', and only to households I trusted. I'm afraid I cared less for preserving their 'innocence', and a whole hell of a lot more that they could know good touching, attention, and secrets, from the bad stuff.

I did everything I could to give them the tools to protect themselves, to trust themselves, to trust us if they were worried, and to do what they had to if they felt they needed to protect themselves, and to know that we would trust them, support them, and safeguard them, regardless of whether that might offend anybody.

It doesn't matter how hypervigilant you are, there are times when our kids are alone. All female staff? Awesome. Statistically rarer, but yes, female predators, on both genders, are on the rise. And how about the students? How about the support staff?

If something happened, yes, I'd be beside myself. But I'd still feel I had to get the balance between realism, and idealism. And also, that I have always felt it is really important to let my kids know that if something like sexual abuse occurred to them, it was shit, it was horrible, but they could get through it, and that they were supported, loved, and valued, just as much as ever, every step of the way.

I don’t need help. I have spent years working with some very high risk sex offenders and am always on my guard. I quite reasonably said that I was wondering where your post was going, as you repeatedly asked the same question, and I automatically prick up my ears when people ask how offenders can abuse children in front of their parents. Surely you must understand why? You may well be a mid 40’s mum with a daughter, but that’s the thing with the Internet - not everyone is who they say they are. I can attest to this via numerous real life experiences which for obvious reasons, I cannot discuss. On top of that, we already know that there is at least one person saying they are a man on this post. You can think I am “twisted and nasty” all you like, that’s entirely your prerogative. If you want to continue to take offence, carry on. I have no wish to fall out with you, but make sure your self disclosed hyper vigilance isn’t clouded by your misplaced outrage. If you want to PM me to talk about this further, feel free.

@Greenshake No, but this is thing I did not repeatedly ask the same question at all. One person said how children can be abused in front of their parents and I asked (once) how? And that didn’t mean how as in how did they do it, but how can that happen if they’re right there in front of you, I didn’t know if the poster meant in terms of grooming the adults also somewhat. I asked that one time and don’t think that is odd at all. I asked maybe a couple of times about how we’d spot a potential one after a few/couple 🤷🏻‍♀️ of posters said they had noticed traits that these men tended to have, so yes, I do want to know what these traits are!! There is nothing in anything I’ve said that warranted the thing you wrote at all.

@Greenshake And no I don’t want to pm to discuss anything, because as you said, not everyone is who they say they are on the internet and this is making me feel uneasy tbh. I won’t comment any further as didn’t come to post to be attacked, just to see if others felt the anxiety I do at times.

Well then, for the second time, let’s both move on.

An apology would've been good, but hey ho.

😂😂😂 ok then! At least your sense of humour is in good shape.

@Greenshake Are you ok? Seriously. I’ve said that I didn’t say the things you said numerous times, as I didn’t-feel free to check through my posts and yet you were still rude to me with the upsetting comment and still going on? Bloody weird.
If I had got something wrong, made a mistake and upset and offended someone, I’d have no qualms about admitting that and apologising, I certainly wouldn’t be acting as you are continuing to act.