Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

[Cantgetwarmbrr]

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

So I also presume you're never going to let your children leave your side. Healthy.

I agree.

I am too protective in other ways too..worried about any teachers being mean to her, I worry taxi drivers are dodgy (not to kids-rapists etc).

OP, from what you say above, you are going to have to learn to deal with your anxiety.. My DD is going on a trip to Turkey with her best mate soon, so she will be using Turkish taxi drivers!

I am slightly nervous, but she is an adult. It's not up to me to wrap her in cotton wool. Worrying about teachers being mean is really excessive.

Just remember that women can be a threat too. Statistically less likely, but still possible. As I said earlier, a quarter of the paedophiles I have known personally (been related to, at school with etc) are women.

You said it yourself use your common sense but trust your instincts. Men with appropriate boundaries know not to repeatedly or even at all tell a random little girl how beautiful they are it’s just not necessary

@Cantgetwarmbrr I’ve not read through your thread but i was very similar when mine were at that age. It got better from around KS2.
A friend has a DD who is about 2 now and right from when she was born, she had these concerns and talked to me about them.

I have a DS and i know he’ll grow to be a very decent human, no doubt because he’s so kind and caring so i’d be a shame for someone to judge him just for being a male but i’ve been there.

You wouldn’t know.

I have only told one friend what happened to me ( partly because it isn’t relevant and partly because I don’t enjoy talking about it).

My mum hasn’t spoken about what happened to her to anyone except her siblings who were also victims of the same person, and me once. I don’t even think my dad knows.

You ‘only know 1 victim’- I know 7 that have been victims of CSA ranging from one off assaults to years of the worst abuse you can imagine from their parents and their parents friends, trafficking by a gang and a friend who was pregnant at 12 with a grown up sibling’s baby.

I’m not including the ‘sleezy men who came onto me/took advantage when I was 14 and drunk’ in that.

These are friends and family- my career is a whole other matter.

It’s actually much more common than people like to think- no one wants to live in a world where people do these things, and no one wants to think that it could be their dad/sister/mate that’s doing it.

@Bigstones you are right. Sometimes women can be abusive too.

I think at a young age it is hard for children to communicate what is happening to them. As parents all we can do is tell them to share everything with you. To not keep secrets and to be weary of any adult that asks them to keep secrets or touches them inappropriately. Most importantly to believe them when they share it.

@Bigstones completely with you. Am reading this realising have never disclosed my CSA to my husband or anyone, just can’t find the words. My sister was also a victim and we’ve both acknowledged it once with relief when discovered he’d died. It screwed my 20s in terms of relationships, but with own dc I hope have instilled good boundaries and ‘trust your gut’. I might tell my dc when they’re a bit older to warn them that if it can happen to their tough old mum, anyone is at risk of these manipulative fuckers. Kids have no control of the adults they spend time with, whilst as adults can swerve bad company.

I am very much aware of CSA and I do try to minimise the risks to my daughter but I do still let her take part in activities where I slightly worry things might happen. She goes to a drama group. At a different group, that a relative attended, a teenage boy who used to attend later was charged with CSA. So I am slightly nervous that boys and men who attend this one could offend in a similar way. But the leaders are all women, and mothers, and my daughter is fortunately not the type of child, being tall for her age and a bit shy, who the older kids find sweet and want to carry around and have on their laps etc. Plus I fairly regularly remind her that when she goes to the toilet to make sure she goes into her own cubicle and locks the door. What more can you do?

I am well aware how many pedophiles are in our society. My husband's ex friend was convicted and jailed. The husband of a colleague. 2 ex school mates. The brother of a relative's best friend. A staff member at my foster son's old school. The aforementioned drama club attendee. There's even a convicted pedophile in my street. And these are the ones who have been caught. So there will be many more with similar urges who just haven't been found out.

I do trust some males with my daughter. My husband, my brothers, some husbands of friends. Others, not so much. As someone upthread said, to me it seems slightly odd when men want to be in the company of children and doing childish things. One of the dads of my daughter's friend is a bit like this. Loved to come to playgroups with her and encouraged the kids to play Tag with him and stuff like that. He probably is just a loving dad but I wouldn't want my daughter going to that friend's house without the mum, who I know fairly well, being present. And yes, I do know women can also be pedophiles, but it is far more common in men.

@Greenshake Oh do shut up, don’t be so bloody offensive. I mean asking for signs as to what type of men and the mens character traits etc, what on earth are you talking about
Don’t take my clearly worried post and twist it into something else

I knew that someone would say that I wouldn't know. I would respond to that by saying that with the level of friendship I have with most of my friends, I would know (plus I know their families) I'm very very sorry for what happened to you and to all victims of such heinous abuse.

I’m sure my dad thinks he knows all about my mums life, and her best friends of 40/50 years. She didn’t tell a single soul until she was in her 50’s. Not even her own sister, who she is incredibly close to, grew up with, they raised their children together, took all their holidays together, were each other’s maid of honour, talked all the time.

People have all sorts of internal lives that you aren’t privy to. Knowing someone’s family means nothing- loads of my friends met the person who assaulted me, they have no idea I was abused never mind that he did it.

If you are coming across in real life as being a bit naive people will be very unlikely to open up to you about this stuff- they will know that you are likely to get upset or down play it or just not understand.

I feel like this too OP and something traumatic did happen to me, so I’m always second guessing whether I’m being overly sensitive or just a normal level of protective.

When I was a child, I had 3 friends who I would sleepover at. Truth be told, I didn’t actually like sleeping away from home but these 3 families were obviously trusted to be safe by my parents. Knowing them all as an adult now, they’re all lovely people and that’s why I didn’t come to any harm.

Now having my own DC, I can’t imagine trusting any other people enough to leave her with them overnight. Probably only my school friends who I’ve known a lifetime, but I’ve moved far away from my hometown so that wouldn’t happen now.

This is a UK based forum and geographical differences aside, it’s a grotesque term.

And we are part of the UK. You asked why, I answered. Simple. I didn't give an opinion on the usage.

Sorry, but I am not going to shut up simply because you don’t like what I am saying. I just don’t understand why you need to know the minutiae of how people abuse children. Also, for the umpteenth time, and as reiterated by numerous posters, there is no type.

Obtuse much?

@Greenshake I was asking details about HOW people abuse children in such detail, wtf is wrong with you?
Seems you enjoy arguing with people as can be seen by other posts on here. I made a normal post about something horrific that causes me anxiety, to answe the way you did to me is really very odd indeed

I *WASN’T

That was a rather unfortunate typo to make, wasn’t it?

To address your comments, It’s not so much that I enjoy arguing with people, I just don’t participate in the echo chamber that seems to be so prevalent on talk forums. The whole point of AIBU is to have a discussion, but it so often ends up in a flounce when people get denied the validation they so obviously want. I hope that you find a balance for your worries and that they don’t become all consuming. There is an interesting mix of views on this post, but ultimately you will end up taking the path you think best.

This is something that has recently really broke up my family. A close relative got in a relationship with someone who has gotten very close with my DC. This guy is charming, charizmatic and loves kids..and they like him a lot too. He prefers to play with children than spend time with adults and is very open about.

Every time I saw him around children he always left the adults and played with the kids. He likes the "rough" play too..tickling, chasing, throwing around...
My alarm bells started ringing when frequent offers of babysitting came from my close female relative..She has never offered before and now I was getting them all the time. I have never allowed it.

Later on he got more and.more physical..trying to lift my DC, put them on his lap etc. When told to stop he would in the moment but then try it again! I was watching him like a hawk and my anxiety was through the roof..

Long story short I cut contact with this men and stated he will never get anywhere near my DC again. My close female relative took his side, denied his behaviour, insisted it's all made up and he is amazing and has blanked me and my family.

I am now acutly aware of male behaviour around kids and worry about the risks a lot.
I'm also acutly aware of women in denial who are enablers.

Top tip for the hyper vigilant -keep a positive covid test around and make it a habit to test your DC before sleepovers, brownie camps etc. Then, if your gut says no, as mine did about the school year 5 trip and brownie camp, you have a perfect excuse. It has become a family joke that my daughter always gets covid before a trip.
I do realise that at some stage I will have to ease up, but I am proud that she hasn't spent a night apart from me in 9 years, I supervise at brownies and insist on sitting in on piano lessons.

I find questions like OP’s post flat out odd. I honestly don’t know how you get through the day if you think like that. Does DD go to school? If so, what if she has a male teacher? Sure, said teacher will have a DBS but all that proves is they’ve not been caught if they’re “dodgy”.

You are proud that your daughter is missing out on fun trips with her friends? This just reads a little odd.