Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

[Cantgetwarmbrr]

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

I disagree with Disco’s “types” comment. There are often indicators and shared characteristics/circumstances, but this type of offending spans every sort of background -socio-economic, religious, all sorts.

This is unsustainable, though. What are you going to do when she has a male nursery worker/primary teacher/sports coach? What about grandfathers, uncles, close family friends? School friends who have single fathers? Your DD will absolutely know that you're insanely overprotective, that you can't have relationships with men other than her father, and she will either be crippled by fear of men or very, very resentful of you - probably both. You need to work on this now before it really impacts her (and you!)

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

When your child is very little, it's easy to underestimate the vibes you can give off to them. Even when she's a bit older, you might not actually say you're anxious, but if you're reluctant to let her do certain things, she'll certainly realise.

I think about 9? With friends I knew from school and where the mums were around.

Yes for many years I used to think that all men over a certain age were pedofiles counseling has helped a great deal but i still have a lot of trust issues when it comes to men that makes me very protective of my DS this is something im working on but ptsd can definitely play with your mind

I am the same, although I’ve learned to relax somewhat as my DD has got older. I do trust my instincts though - if I think someone isn’t quite right I don’t give them the benefit of the doubt.

You are damn not being unreasonable and I don't care what anyone else says. People are too trusting when leaving their kids to be looked after by people. I have 3 DS and there are only a handful of people I trust to look after them - 3 grandparents and my BIL and his wife.

My own SA experiences from a male babysitter may be making me OTT on this, but once it happens you can't ever undo it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. These people walk amongst us unfortunately. Being vigilant is entirely sensible.

How would you feel if her nursery/primary teacher was male. Surely you would trust them. So you probably are only not trusting strangers, which is sensible.

Some men are paedophiles that's why.

I am still vigilant and my son is 14. I trust no-one and I have consistently taught him from a very young age(literally 2 years old) that no-one should be touching him or asking him to touch them anywhere private. If anyone tries anything odd, scream 'no' in their face and tell me everything straight away and I will make it stop and they will never have to see that person ever again.

When I was a kid there were flashers everywhere. We would shout and point and laugh at them and throw stones at them, their houses, their cars if they turned up at the park or school or street.
Children need to be taught to be loud and shout and tell everybody.

It depends who it was? Same as if I was to leave her with another woman. I'd need to know them well and trust them to be able to look after her but yes I would.

Yes. I would have no more concerns leaving my child with a trusted male friend than a trusted female friend.

I'm careful about who I trust and who my friends are - male OR female - but that's different.

I think you are being a bit irrational thinking that all males = potential paedophiles.

Thing is, females can and do sexually offend as well. The key is educating kids, instilling body and self confidence and exercising sensible but realistic precautions.

I have a lot of sympathy with your position, OP.

I would definitely never consider a male baby-sitter. I would not want a kid of mine at a nursery with ANY male staff. Obviously most men who work with kids are not paedophiles, but best case scenario (IMHO) they are weird. I am not saying I am fully rational or "right" but that is my position and I can't see my mind being changed.

I say this as someone who has done some "voluntary work" (it wasn't truly voluntary) at a day nursery and saw first hand how much some of the kids needed a male influence in their lives.

1%! That's loads!

There was an article in the Times yesterday about research from the University of Edinburgh, where nearly 1 in 20 men said they'd sexually abuse children if they wouldn't get caught.

OP it's totally understandable and it's not just men but women too. I survived childhood sexual abuse and know many others in a similar position. it's simply not worth taking the risk. Once it happens, there is no way back.

I would have no more concerns leaving my child with a trusted male friend than a trusted female friend.

I think you are being a bit irrational thinking that all males = potential paedophiles.

All HUMANS are potential paedophiles, so of course all males are! All men are MUCH MUCH more likely to be paedophiles than women are. Why on earth do you think that you can know for certain whether a "trusted friend" is a paedophile, and if you cannot be certain it is 100% irrational be equally concerned about two types of people with different risk profiles?

I’m a social worker- there isn’t a type.

In my own life I’ve personally known 8 paedophiles (ranging from parents of friends to people I was at school with). Also had 2 vicars convicted over the time I was at church school.

2 of those were women- I’ve obviously known more through work (men and women).

People are in general far too trusting of other people with their children.

I didn't teach my son that it was 'males'. I just taught him it could be anybody.
I was just reiterating the OP's opening line.

Let's face it though - it, by far and away, mainly is men.

I think you have to be aware of safeguarding but you can't be overly paranoid. The nurseries my kids have gone to have had male staff. DS1's childminder's husband used to very occasionally be left in sole charge if she had to be somewhere else. Most men are safe and won't hurt children. There have been cases where female childcare workers have been arrested for taking indecent photos of children.

Teach children proper words for genitals and have a parenting style that prioritises openness and trust and always being on their side, rather than judgement and only valuing them being "good" - they are then more likely to tell you if anything happens to them.

Follow your instincts.

This! I don’t think being vigilant is a bad thing at all. But equally as important is education. You have to empower your children with the knowledge they need to make them as unavailable to predators as possible.
Prevention is the only cure.
Talk about her body, good touch/bad touch. She doesn’t have to say yes to adults. She can refuse a hug/kiss. It’s her body and no one else has rights over it.

It's terrifying. I have never been abused but I often think to myself think how many men you walk past every day who, if they had the opportunity and no threat of punishment would happily rape and murder women and children.

I'm the same, OP, and my kids are a lot older than yours. I was very, very careful who I left mine with until they were old enough to understand about inappropriate behaviour, and tell me if anything happened.

I didn't worry about male teachers/nursery workers because they're rarely alone with a child, are thoroughly DBS checked, and schools are built with safeguarding in mind (glass panels in doors etc). But I would never, ever have used a male nanny or babysitter. The risk is too great, IMO.

Similarly, I've always told my DC to look for a female member of staff in uniform, or a woman with children, if ever they get lost. I know that there are some female offenders but the risk is much lower. Certainly, the unpleasant encounters I had as a child were with males.

How was that research undertaken?

I can’t imagine many men would sit in an interview and openly admit they’d like to sexually abuse children?!