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Original poster

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
Greenshake · 08/12/2023 21:34

For someone who wasn’t going to comment any further, you are doing a good job. The only person who has been rude and lobbed insults is you. You have told me to shut up, you have told me to take a look at myself, you have called me twisted and nasty and you have told me I need help. Please, save the faux “are you OK” nonsense.

LizzieW1969 · 08/12/2023 21:36

mantyzer · 07/12/2023 20:01

The six year child sexual abuse enquiry outlined the most frequent sexual abuse that happened to children.

The most common was in the family. Stepfathers are more likely to sexually abuse than biological fathers. Don't if you are dating advertise that you have children and their ages e.g. on a dating site, it may attract paedophiles.
The next most common is children sexually abusing other children. You need to give your children sex education and talk about normal sexual exploration with other children and when it is coercion. People always ignore this as it is quite upsetting to realise your children's friends could sexually abuse them.
Then it is children in some kind of institution from boarding schools, to sports and music schools, to children's homes and penal institutions.
And then religious organisations. As someone says above religions that promote loving each other and being non judgemental whilst it brings positives, can also lead to people ignoring warning signs. And various religions have actively covered up abuse by their clerics.

Generally it is about being critical and not just trusting people. The example someone gave of a friends husband offering to take her children to the toilet is a major red flag. Paedophiles are attracted to situations where it is easier to abuse e.g. children's homes and boarding schools, or to parents who are too trusting, with weak boundaries, or because of their own issues such as mental health can not adequately protect their children.
There is an issue as well with people who are normally critical, but trust other people like themselves e.g. trusting implicitly other home educators if you are one, or trusting other evangelical Christians if you are one.

^All of this. Particularly what you say about Christian churches, sadly. I grew up in a conservative evangelical church and there were some people who knew that my DSis and I were being sexually abused by our F and others and covered it up.

This still happens now, as I discovered when a friend told me that she was discouraged from reporting her then husband’s sexual abuse of her DD from her previous marriage. She was told that to do so would ‘bring shame on the church’.

So it isn’t just about the paedophiles, it’s about their enablers too. That also means that the statistics must surely underestimate the number of (mainly) men who commit sexual crimes against children.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 21:40

@LizzieW1969 So sorry that happened fo you, so horrendous. Yes, the documentary I watched was with a very Christian, church going family, the Grandfather was at least, it was as if he thought he could be forgiven for anything, I don’t know if he actually thought he was doing anything wrong, really scary and troubling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 21:48

@mbosnz What age did you allow sleepovers? I remember going to friends and them coming to me maybe 11 ish

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 22:03

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

I think once we have less control they spend more time away from us we start to look for danger it’s frightening but it’s important to not allow yourself to live in constant fear and take charge of boundaries you feel comfortable with I know a few children who were not allowed to go on sleepover but had friends over. I guessed why it’s not something children have to do

im surprised you have said this Disco I work with sex offenders only one would make you feel uncomfortable he is really creepy the others are all very different one i doubt anyone would ever suspect him that how it got away with abusing children for so long

ChocolateTurtle · 08/12/2023 22:12

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

Disco50 - could you say anything more about the 'definite type?'

OP, I think it's fine to be concerned, I don't think you're anxious or hypervigiliant. Most child sex offenders are male, I think it is fine to decide not to leave your child with a man who's not their dad, if that's what feels right for you. You also don't 'have to' let your kid go for sleepovers, you can make decisions nearer the time as to what you feel comfortable with.

All the best OP, you're obviously a good mum who puts their child first

HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 22:26

the type Disco has worked with is just that a type she has come across

I too work with sex offenders they range from a creepy man who gives off creepy vibes to a Jack the lad type who you would suspect is a bit or a womaniser, the gentle almost passive man, the annoying overbearing man, the aggressive gangster type the professional stereo type British mc public school boy man and the one who is too cool for school and everyone just gravitates to him he is funny abs charming but in a natural way

Overall they have mainly been outsiders but then they are the men that have been caught …

there isn’t a type

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:28

@ChocolateTurtle Thank you 🙏 that’s really kind. I am trying to be really wary of not passing it on to her though. My 80’s childhood was pretty hands off and left to your own devices and that level of freedom was fantastic in some ways, I can see kids don’t have the same childhood these days, which is really sad. I don’t want her to be hemmed in too much and I definitely don’t want to create anxieties in her

OP posts:
GirrlCrush · 08/12/2023 22:30

I also work in a prison with sex offenders
There isn't a 'type'

But I'd also say this "Most child sex offenders are male, I think it is fine to decide not to leave your child with a man who's not their dad" is very naive

HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 22:39

Yes overwhelming men I remember being a young girl and men being sexually attracted to me. The way they looked at me was different and this wasn’t a one off abs then just as I started to develop even more men it’s was so overwhelming abs uncomfortable

that’s not to say women do not abuse abs more so turn a blind eye sadly too many do

op I have always been a single mum, I decided it was safer for ds (and myself) I had a few relationships but they never met ds i learnt how awful step fathers are from the abuse I suffered sadly too many women just allow men to wander in and out of their childrens lives and out them at risk. I’m happy to be single we are happy and we are safe

HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 22:46

I should say we are safe in our own home ….

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:47

@HRTQueen Yes, that would worry me too if I was to become single one day, I don’t know if I could trust anyone around her, which is so sad because I have lots of friends who grew up with amazing stepfathers.
I too remember men staring at me as a younger girl, but probably a teen-13 onwards maybe, I might just not have been aware of it any earlier, but 13-18 ish were years of harassment, being flashed at, being beeped at at the bus stop with friends, being followed, all sorts and friends all have very similar experiences

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:48

@GirrlCrush But surely the overwhelming majority are men? I’ve never thought to be wary of women, the thought of that is just completely inexplicable

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:50

@HRTQueen Scary there isn’t a type, I was hoping so after what a couple of posters said, it may have helped somewhat

OP posts:
Catsmere · 08/12/2023 22:53

Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:48

@GirrlCrush But surely the overwhelming majority are men? I’ve never thought to be wary of women, the thought of that is just completely inexplicable

I think @GirrlCrush meant it's naive to exclude children's fathers, as they're just as likely to be the abusers.

LeakyPipes · 08/12/2023 22:56

Because of attitudes like this I decided I would never take the risk of doing Brownies, Scouts etc. I'm a woman, btw.

HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 23:00

No there absolutely isn’t a type but there are men you will feel safer around there is this type of man and maybe at times you shouldn’t men that are gentle, not overbearing, kind and easy going

I feel ok with ds not having a stepfather I’ve known nice stepfather’s and terrible step fathers. The nice ones are sadly the minority (in my experience)

HRTQueen · 08/12/2023 23:02

LeakyPipes · 08/12/2023 22:56

Because of attitudes like this I decided I would never take the risk of doing Brownies, Scouts etc. I'm a woman, btw.

What parents being vigilant over their children’s safety

worriedandworries · 08/12/2023 23:06

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 17:17

I have a lot of sympathy with your position, OP.

I would definitely never consider a male baby-sitter. I would not want a kid of mine at a nursery with ANY male staff. Obviously most men who work with kids are not paedophiles, but best case scenario (IMHO) they are weird. I am not saying I am fully rational or "right" but that is my position and I can't see my mind being changed.

I say this as someone who has done some "voluntary work" (it wasn't truly voluntary) at a day nursery and saw first hand how much some of the kids needed a male influence in their lives.

That's ridiculous - if someone said a women was weird for working in a traditional male role there'd be uproar. Men are capable and sometimes better at childcare than women.

Gender discrimination at its finest.

Men AND women can be pedophiles - I hope your children don't grow up seeing your prejudice

jm9138 · 08/12/2023 23:11

Cantgetwarmbrr · 08/12/2023 22:28

@ChocolateTurtle Thank you 🙏 that’s really kind. I am trying to be really wary of not passing it on to her though. My 80’s childhood was pretty hands off and left to your own devices and that level of freedom was fantastic in some ways, I can see kids don’t have the same childhood these days, which is really sad. I don’t want her to be hemmed in too much and I definitely don’t want to create anxieties in her

I think this is the saddest part of your post. You say your childhood was fantastic because you were not wrapped in cotton wool (I know, I am paraphrasing). But your risk of abuse would have been far higher in the 80s. Children know to report now, there are safeguarding policies everywhere, people working with children will be suspended minimum just on an allegation rather than moved quietly on to another place to do further abuse.

I don't know - it is a balancing act with risk and our children. There is a risk in letting them have freedom and innocence and a risk in removing that freedom. I guess where we are on that spectrum is largely down to personal experience and our own personalities but it is probably good to have our opinions challenged even if only to reinforce our position.

As an aside to this, Friday is my full day looking after my youngest and for about four years now (first with my second youngest) I have gone next door to the church play group for an hour and then on to the singing group at the library. Most of the time I am the only man there. None of the mums really talk to me (or if they do they say something patronising to me - you can imagine the sort of thing I am sure) and some give me dirty looks (especially when it is a new mum) but most of the children have at one time or another come to me with toys or just wander up and stare at me. I always just smile and say hello but always glance over at there mum with a 'please come and get your child' look and if they don't go straight away I say 'please go back to your mummy'. All the other mums will interact with the other kids but I always know some will think I am a pedophile and this thread has confirmed that. I go every week because it is best for my son but I read a thread a while ago about someone finding toddler groups so boring and when would it end and I remember thinking - you want to try going when you know some people there think you are a danger to their children.

AmyandPhilipfan · 08/12/2023 23:16

The convicted ones I've known have been quite different from each other. One was no surprise as I knew him as a child and he gave off 'creepy' vibes as a 10 year old. He was oddly smarmy and just not like the other kids in any way. Even the teachers found him creepy.

The guy my husband knew as a child and into adulthood was much more of a Jack the lad. Into football and girls. Popular with lots of friends. Had a good sense of humour. Seemed a nice, funny bloke. The only red flag my husband said with hindsight was there was that he got into porn, magazines back in those days, really young. Aged about 10. I don't know if because he was exposed so young he was desensitised and needed to see more extreme images to get his kicks?

The neighbour who I know was convicted and jailed for a year is quiet and polite and comes across as sweet and shy - if you don't know what he's done.

Very different so I don't think you can say there is a type.

I once knew a creative writing lecturer who said he used to go into prison to teach writing to inmates. He said the child sex offenders were housed in their own building and when he went in there he was struck by how 'normal' they were. Scarily so.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/12/2023 23:34

LifeIsHardAlways · 07/12/2023 20:19

I’m suspicious of all men, personally. My son uses transport with a man to school, I fitted him with equipment so I could listen in whenever, he also has a tracker on him. I go for assuming the worst and I can make sure my son is never SA.

Over to top.
You do realise your son will be a man eventually. Will that also make him a pedophile?

GirrlCrush · 08/12/2023 23:40

@Catsmere

I should have been clearer..... indeed it's the Dads who are more likely. Dads and close male relatives

I'm afraid it's rife. And I suspect most have not yet been caught

MeinKraft · 08/12/2023 23:49

I think realistically all you can do is talk to your child and listen to them and observe them. If they show any worrying signs - particularly talking or acting in a sexual manner inappropriate for their age then contact NSPCC for advice. As others have said you basically can't trust anyone who isn't yourself - even biological dads, uncles, grandfathers and so on.

Having said that the risk is increased on being a non biological person (particularly male) into the home, which is why I wouldn't. Due to my own experiences as a child.

MeinKraft · 08/12/2023 23:53

@jm9138 that sounds rough. Not everyone is worrying you're a threat to their child if it helps. When I see dads at toddler group I just think what a good dad. And I'm as wary as they come, but public groups aren't really a typical danger zone paedos hang out in.