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Original poster

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 21:36

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

She'll know

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/12/2023 21:38

Yeah I'm a bit like this, I don't trust anymore really 🙁

That said a few men have given me the serious ick with their comments directed towards dd and I do trust my instincts.

mantyzer · 07/12/2023 21:38

I do think it is a balance. I always wanted my children to grow up and be brave and make the most of life. Not be anxious and frightened of the world.

MoonCharged · 07/12/2023 21:42

I grew up watching the madeline McCann story... And Holly and Jessica. So it's etched in my mind. Also there is an emerging story of a pe teacher who had a prolific history of sexual assault against boys in a local school going back to the 80s. He was a trusted teacher. So I can see where my biases come from. So I am hyper vigilant also because the media and local stories have shaped me to be that way.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 21:56

@mantyzer How could they do it in front of the parents?

OP posts:
mantyzer · 07/12/2023 21:59

@Cantgetwarmbrr have kids sitting on their knee with an erection, playing tickling games where hands wander.

mantyzer · 07/12/2023 22:01

Except the media do not report on the most common type of sexual abuse, family members in the family home.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 22:02

@Emmadowns Would you say these men had anything in common/were a certain type, is there anything to look out for?

OP posts:
Kendodd · 07/12/2023 22:04

To all the posters who are suspicious of all men (not saying they shouldn't be), are you also suspicious of your own sons? And open to the fact that they themselves could grow up to be abusers? Teenage girls are the most the vulnerable to CSA and teenage boys are very often the abusers. I think we could all do well to remember that.

Whoopsypoopsy · 07/12/2023 22:07

I’m with you op. I don’t think you can be too vigilant.
my DD is 9 now and I worry as she gets older.

While I wasn’t ever abused per se, the amount of men who would letch once I got to my late teens early 20s was disgusting. I was flattered at the time and it led to me sleeping with a lot of older men in my late teens as I had a fear of saying no as I wanted people to
like me (I had massive insecurities)

I was involved with a youth organisation and a large proportion of the men involved would come onto young girls like me. Now Im in my 40s I find it abhorrent. These were ‘nice’ guys with good jobs, a lot were married and had families.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 07/12/2023 22:07

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 18:14

What have I just read?
Men who want to work with children are ‘weird’?
FFS.
I can’t even begin with this.

My perspective is that most adults like spending their time doing "adult" things, not playing kids games or trying to control groups of children. The caveats are one's own children and that women are much more drawn to and good at nurturing than men are (as a rule, obviously, not in every case).

As a man I do not want to work with kids because I want to be thinking and doing adult things. I have never - and I swear this is true - seen any indication from any man, ever, that spending time with other people's kids is enjoyable. One does it because you have to at barbecues, and someone has to run the under 11 team your son plays on so it might as well be you, or the quite like explaining things to others and they find teaching easier to get into than adult education. I have NEVER met a man who has ever given me any indication that hanging around with other people's kids is something they would actively choose to do. In fact more common is my perspective... if you want me to teach Primary then I need £200k per year (despite earning much less than that in my current job).

As I made clear, maybe my perspective is all wrong, but I honestly think most men want to watch adult stuff and have adult chats, and time with other people's kids is one of the big downsides of having your own. I am suspicious of any man who wants to teach.

When I think of my own middle school there was only one male teacher (I was never in his class). All the girls loved him and all the boys were terrified. How and why was that? My son had one male teacher in primary - by far the worst (at teaching), least empathetic and most disliked of all the teachers my son has had.

I am not saying all men, and I think women who want to work with kids are weird too, just not as weird because they are naturally much more nurturing on average

I don’t mean this as an insult, but I think your perspective is really pretty weird and definitely not usual.

Greenshake · 07/12/2023 22:11

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 21:56

@mantyzer How could they do it in front of the parents?

Do you really need to ask this? I am starting to wonder about where this is going, especially as you keep asking what you should be looking out for.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 22:11

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 21:30

Your posts on this thread are hard to fathom.

Why would a significant number of men lie in a study about something that is considered heinous in society out of "bravado"? Or out of a naughty urge to skew the results as you seem to suggest in a following post.

Most people lie about shameful things they do when questioned in studies, not make up lies about shameful things they don't do or wouldn't do.

The fact they answered yes to the question, if they wouldn't be caught, suggests to most normal minds that they have a desire to explore the sexual abuse of children, and given today's world may have explored this desire already by viewing images - which are created by the sexual abuse of actual children.

Your arguments about why this study's figures are to be discounted are specious and show a desire to deny and downplay how depraved a significant portion of men have become in this pornographied world.

Edited
Show quote history

It is not in any way "specious" to point out that the study posits a scenario that is in no way reflective of the reality of the society that people, including those surveyed, live in.

As for your comment about "desire to downplay"; first of all, I deny any such motivation whatsoever, and secondly, I consider your implication extremely offensive.

As I've already said, I know from personal experience that blind surveys do not return entirely trustworthy results. You are, of course, entirely free to ponder and question why exactly that might be, I'm simply relating my own experience of a study into something similar, and what the conclusions were about why the results were patently, and unarguably completely out of kilter with reality.

I am not claiming that this particular study, i.e. the Edinburgh Uni one, is reporting results that I find lacking in credibility, nor am I claiming that even a "significant number", as you put it, are obviously telling fibs, merely that you can not just take for granted that everyone tells the whole truth in every instance, and especially so when they know that there is potential shock factor value in how they choose to answer a question. People can, and do lie, for no other purpose than eliciting a preferred response, hence the devilment.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 22:14

tuttifuckinfruity · 07/12/2023 21:12

@XDownwiththissortofthingX but that's a horrible way to look at it.

You can't equate robbing a bank if you won't get caught, with sexually abusing a child?

The incentive of robbing a bank if you absolutely won't get caught, is that you would be incredibly wealthy.

The incentive to sexually abuse a child is only there if you are sexually aroused by abusing children. Ie a paedophile.

It isn't about equating robbing a bank with abusing a child, it's about what happens in a scenario whereby you posit that someone will not face consequences for their actions.

sprigatito · 07/12/2023 22:14

Kendodd · 07/12/2023 22:04

To all the posters who are suspicious of all men (not saying they shouldn't be), are you also suspicious of your own sons? And open to the fact that they themselves could grow up to be abusers? Teenage girls are the most the vulnerable to CSA and teenage boys are very often the abusers. I think we could all do well to remember that.

Of course most mothers of sons are very aware of their responsibility to raise boys who don't abuse girls, do their best to achieve that, and worry that their efforts won't be enough to counteract the avalanche of aggressive porn, online bullshit and wall-to-wall toxic messaging that envelops them when they go to secondary school. Why would you think otherwise?

autienotnaughty · 07/12/2023 22:17

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:59

@Greenshake I hadn’t thought about it much until recently, wanted to see if others felt like this to some extent? I mean, it’s not like I’m sat there worrying about it, but it sometimes crosses my mind and I just know I wouldn’t leave her alone with a male aside from Dh

Not your father or father I law?

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 22:18

People can, and do lie, for no other purpose than eliciting a preferred response, hence the devilment.

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. If people were inclined to lie, it would be more likely a lie to cover up their tendencies - which should skew the study the other way.

mantyzer · 07/12/2023 22:18

@sprigatito I have seen multiple posts on here from mothers saying their son has been accused of rape or sexual assault and asking for help as there is no way their son could be guilty.

Bernardmanning · 07/12/2023 22:18

I've never worried about the risk of paedophiles, simply because I keep my daughter out of harms way. I can't think of an occasion when she has been solely in the company of a man, aside from my husband. If she has a playdate, the mum is always there. The dads are rarely in the house. And I tend to know the families well. I do assume that many men are inclined towards children and I know from experience that they hide in plain sight (a friend's husband was caught arranging to meet a 14 year old for sex, despite having two young daughters himself. Another person I know was a father of two young girls and a police officer. I don't tend to overthink it though because I believe that I have put enough checks and balances in place, including talking to both my kids (inc my son from a young age about keeping safe, good/bad secrets etc. the nspcas pantasaurpus song is an excellent starting point.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 22:21

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 22:18

People can, and do lie, for no other purpose than eliciting a preferred response, hence the devilment.

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. If people were inclined to lie, it would be more likely a lie to cover up their tendencies - which should skew the study the other way.

No

This is a blind study in which there is no onus to "cover up" anything, because the results are not traceable back to source.

It's a perfect scenario for the participants to lie, embellish, and manipulate the outcome.

TrixieFatell · 07/12/2023 22:21

I used to be a probation officer and as a result I am very wary of men around my children. We have had conversations about consent, private parts and not keeping secrets (age appropriate conversations) and I have been strict about who they are around. As they have gotten older I have relaxed more, though we still have discussions about appropriate behaviour, them reusing their gut feelings about someone and telling a trusted adult. They have had sleepovers, knowing that if they feel unsafe at anytime they can call and I come and get them.

My experience is that there isn't a type, I've met paedophiles from.all backgrounds and ages.

Goatymum · 07/12/2023 22:21

My DCs are adults now and I didn’t worry about this when they were young, but in the last few years I’ve found out a few people I’ve met/know of, are paedophiles. One was my DCs’ teacher in secondary. He seemed like a cool guy (I met him at parents evenings). He was convicted and obviously dismissed immediately from school before anyone knew why.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 07/12/2023 22:23

Kendodd · 07/12/2023 22:04

To all the posters who are suspicious of all men (not saying they shouldn't be), are you also suspicious of your own sons? And open to the fact that they themselves could grow up to be abusers? Teenage girls are the most the vulnerable to CSA and teenage boys are very often the abusers. I think we could all do well to remember that.

Not suspicious of my son as he is only young but I definitely spend plenty of time ensuring he understands consent and the value in slowly developing relationships, the importance of space and listening to others and talking. I want him to treat others with total respect and expect the same in return.

highandwindymoors · 07/12/2023 22:24

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2023 22:21

No

This is a blind study in which there is no onus to "cover up" anything, because the results are not traceable back to source.

It's a perfect scenario for the participants to lie, embellish, and manipulate the outcome.

Show quote history

It is the perfect scenario for pedophiliac-tending men to lie, embellish, and manipulate the outcome.

I am not sure why you are so keen to downplay the prevalence of pedophiles in our society. But I think your arguments are silly.

JaneyGee · 07/12/2023 22:26

CharlotteRumpling · 07/12/2023 16:54

You are being unnecessarily paranoid.

Maybe, maybe not. Sexual abuse is far, far more common than statistics suggest. In my life, I have known at least six or seven women who were sexually assaulted when young - by stepbrothers, babysitters, their mum’s boyfriend, etc. Not one of them went to the police.