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Original poster

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 07/12/2023 16:51

It's understandable that your protective instincts are strong and you fear something horrible happening to your DD -but you do need to calm down and unpick some of this so that you don't destroy your relationships with perfectly decent men, or limit your DD's quality of life unnecessarily. Do you have CSA in your background, or any related trauma?

CharlotteRumpling · 07/12/2023 16:54

You are being unnecessarily paranoid.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/12/2023 16:54

No. Tbh I think that overall in terms of probability, unless you calm down about this, your dd is a lot more likely to be harmed by your over-anxious attitude than she is to be harmed by a paedophile.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:55

@sprigatito I have no background trauma, that I’m aware of, it’s just all the awful things we see and hear, it’s really strange and scary to me how we’d have no idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

OP posts:
Greenshake · 07/12/2023 16:57

Have you thought about having some Talking Therapy? This level of hyper vigilance is going to end up being damaging for all concerned.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/12/2023 16:59

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

Plenty of paedophiles have children of their own. As you say, hard to know.

Greenshake · 07/12/2023 16:59

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:56

@AllProperTeaIsTheft She doesn’t know I’m anxious about it and I wouldn’t let it show/be known to her.

Would everyone else leave their child with a man who wasn’t the father?

OP, not that I am suggesting for a second that this is the case, but you do realise that fathers can sexually abuse their own children too?

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:59

@Greenshake I hadn’t thought about it much until recently, wanted to see if others felt like this to some extent? I mean, it’s not like I’m sat there worrying about it, but it sometimes crosses my mind and I just know I wouldn’t leave her alone with a male aside from Dh

OP posts:
Shaggalicious · 07/12/2023 16:59

I think it's fine, look on NSPCC website for info on signs and how to help children, setting boundaries, self confidence, speaking up and not being a people's pleaser. It's normal to be selective who your child will hang around and to be wary of people being too nice to your kid especially if there wasn't a good reason or OTT. But be aware even women can pose a danger, heck even older kids. Just really educate yourself and your child on this from a reputable source like NSPCC.

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

LemonPeonies · 07/12/2023 17:00

I have a 4yo boy, I wouldn't leave him alone with anyone (male or female), except pre school, he loves the people who work there, my dad, brother and my sons father. I'm not paranoid but the lesser of 2 evils is not to trust people too easily.

OpenLanes · 07/12/2023 17:01

Statistics are that 1% of men meet the diagnostic criteria, so likelihood is that you'll meet them reasonably often. However the percentage who would act on it is likely far less. So not unreasonable to be conscious of, but unreasonable to unduly get stressed over.

CharlotteRumpling · 07/12/2023 17:01

no I didn't leave DD alone with any men, but I also didn't leap to conclusions if neighbours were nice to her.

OpenLanes · 07/12/2023 17:01

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

What has been the type in your experience?

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:02

@Greenshake Yes, I know, even that has crossed my mind in paranoid times

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:02

@Disco50 Can you please elaborate on what this type is?

OP posts:
Mamma1982 · 07/12/2023 17:02

@Disco50 what are the men like in the prison you work at? That may actually help OP and others who are worried about it.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 07/12/2023 17:03

I don’t have kids but since a soft-spoken, ‘decent’ university educated guy I knew indirectly but socially got convicted a few years ago, I have more appreciation in how it can literally be anyone. Shocking really.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:04

@CharlotteRumpling Its not that I’ve meant to conclusions about this neighbour, it’s just an example of how I’m vigilant of it deep down and really wish I didn’t think like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:05

@LemonPeonies Dd has occasionally had a neighbour-girl, 18 who she adores to watch her for a couple of hours, never had anyone else

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 07/12/2023 17:05

You are going to have to learn to relax. I did let DD go to sleepovers with friends I knew. Though I can't remember at what age as she is now an adult. Certainly only after she was well able to express discomfort.

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:06

@Wednesdaysotherchild This is the scary thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 17:06

@CharlotteRumpling What age would you say you allowed her to sleepovers?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/12/2023 17:08

What about grandfather or uncle?