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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else hyper vigilant that some men may be pedophiles

311 replies

Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 16:47

I wasn’t like this before I had my Dd, she’s 5 now and just always in the back of my mind I wonder about people and hate feeling/thinking like this. For example, really nice, married guy neighbour with a son who walks his dogs and chats on to my Dd, which is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ I even felt on guard when taking her to Santa as one Elf guy kept telling her how beautiful she was. It’s a horrible way to think, it’s just always there at the back of my mind. I can’t ever imagine letting her go to sleepovers etc, but know I’ll have to one day.
Does anyone else have this in the back of their mind sometimes?
I even said to Dh that I’d never leave her with another male, even close friends of ours etc, who I love and have known for years, why am I so paranoid about this? Does anyone feel similar?

OP posts:
Ardith · 07/12/2023 20:05

Yanbu. An elf telling a little girl she’s beautiful is creepy.

An anonymous survery of a random group of men found that something 10% of them were sexually attracted to young children 🤢

The world is full of paedophiles and they absolutely are trying to befriend the mums of pretty girls. Trust your instincts OP.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:05

@sprigatito

What a strange response.

Peadophiles are everywhere.

Cubs/gymnastics/ballet /swimming... Football everywhere...

Simply being on guard doesn't mean you destroy anything.
I've got an extremely close older male friend whom has been a rock throughout my life and supported me.
I view him as a father figure and close to friend however that doesn't mean its precludes him from being a Peadophiles or being with my dd at the wrong time something could happen.
I'm a little bit wary of all men around my dd including uncles, cousins and grandparents.
The only man I totally and implicitly trust is my dh their dad.

Imagine.. If more people did this how much child abuse would fall.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2023 20:06

AnonnyMouseDave · 07/12/2023 17:17

I have a lot of sympathy with your position, OP.

I would definitely never consider a male baby-sitter. I would not want a kid of mine at a nursery with ANY male staff. Obviously most men who work with kids are not paedophiles, but best case scenario (IMHO) they are weird. I am not saying I am fully rational or "right" but that is my position and I can't see my mind being changed.

I say this as someone who has done some "voluntary work" (it wasn't truly voluntary) at a day nursery and saw first hand how much some of the kids needed a male influence in their lives.

My DGC had a male Reception teacher.

What would you do then?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/12/2023 20:06

It's natural to have concerns, especially when your children are too young for you to explain the risks and for them to tell you if anyone says or does something inappropriate.

But you have to give them the knowledge they need and gradually loosen the strings. I have a friend who would not let her husband put their 16 and 14 year old sons in an Uber in town, to come straight home. She sees the world as being full of predators, and has raised her children to believe their lives would be at risk on public transport. It is so disturbing but she got quite aggressive when I questioned it - it has been a warning to me tbh not to get like that.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2023 20:07

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:05

@sprigatito

What a strange response.

Peadophiles are everywhere.

Cubs/gymnastics/ballet /swimming... Football everywhere...

Simply being on guard doesn't mean you destroy anything.
I've got an extremely close older male friend whom has been a rock throughout my life and supported me.
I view him as a father figure and close to friend however that doesn't mean its precludes him from being a Peadophiles or being with my dd at the wrong time something could happen.
I'm a little bit wary of all men around my dd including uncles, cousins and grandparents.
The only man I totally and implicitly trust is my dh their dad.

Imagine.. If more people did this how much child abuse would fall.

Do your parents and in-laws know how you feel about them?

LolaSmiles · 07/12/2023 20:10

It can happen to anyone by anyone
Agree with you.
This is the central principle of safeguarding.

There's a healthy awareness and proactive outlook that's needed when it comes to safeguarding. It doesn't mean living your life with intrusive or paranoid thoughts, but it should mean giving consideration to situations rather than taking everything at face value.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/12/2023 20:14

I trust my instincts. I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I don't implicitly trust with my life. I wouldn't leave my dog with anyone I don't trust. But I get bad vibes from men AND women and so they are people I don't let my child too near. But to assume every man who talks to my child, especially in a setting where they are meant to entertain the children (the elf) is out to harm them is OTT.

Wishitsnows · 07/12/2023 20:14

You are right to be concerned and young children even when the know all the right terminology are not believed or assumed an adult has prompted them to say something. Even some of the Rochdale pedos got acces to their children on the basis they are attracted to 12 year olds not babies. So the teenagers they raped have to hand over their children for access and hope nothing happens.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:16

?? My closest male friend is doesn't, and we have a fantastic relationship, why should my in laws?

As I said.. I don't ever totally trust anyone except my dh.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:17

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Unfortunately whilst people who work with dc can be a risk, it's actually family members who are the biggest risks.

People the parents trust.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/12/2023 20:18

@LolaSmiles totally agree

LifeIsHardAlways · 07/12/2023 20:19

I’m suspicious of all men, personally. My son uses transport with a man to school, I fitted him with equipment so I could listen in whenever, he also has a tracker on him. I go for assuming the worst and I can make sure my son is never SA.

SD1978 · 07/12/2023 20:21

No. Because the biggest risk is within your own family, not the bloke next door you say hi to walking the dog.

onwardsup4 · 07/12/2023 20:22

OhpoorMe · 07/12/2023 17:20

There was an article in the Times yesterday about research from the University of Edinburgh, where nearly 1 in 20 men said they'd sexually abuse children if they wouldn't get caught.

What

LolaSmiles · 07/12/2023 20:25

onwardsup4
If it's the same study as the one I'm thinking of there was a thread on it yesterday but it's disappeared from my list, probably deleted, that was about this study.
If I remember correctly there were some concerning statistics but also some problems with the methodology. For example most people who answered were over 24, and in the country it was done the age of consent was 16, and one question was about whether the respondents had ever had sex with someone under 18 when they were over 18 (which included everything from predatory dangers to children through to an 18/19 year old dating a 17 year old).

Edit to add - concerning statistics like % of men over 50/65 who would have sex with someone under 18.

eastsheener · 07/12/2023 20:28

I used to work closely with the safeguarding team of a sporting governing body and it shocked me the age range - early 20s through to 70s.

The other thing that got me was they had all been DBS checked so had obviously managed to get away with their crimes and were still working with children. Apparently it is common for paedophiles to try and work in kids sports, kids theatre, music etc.

I didn't last long in that role 😢

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 20:33

@Disco50 That’s so interesting, would you say it’s men that almost seem asexual or possibly gay? I don’t mean they are gay, but the type of men you’re not sure where to place? I can’t explain it
Why would they marry women/have sex with them-are they not attracted to adults at all?
I don’t think it helped that I watched a show on HBO this week called ‘Nice photo, lovely life’ (or something like this) a documentary about an abusive grandfather in a family, I just don’t understand how they could do it and how you could be attracted to a child, shouldn’t we as a society be looking into this more? Finding out why some people are like this? And how to prevent it?
The elf was creepy to me, but he was doing it all in front of me and didn’t seem like he thought he was doing anything wrong/dodgy, I’d imagine they’d want to cover it up? I just felt really odd about it, but again I am a worrier so perhaps I’m just hugely paranoid and protective of her

OP posts:
begaydocrime42 · 07/12/2023 20:35

Why do you think you’re so paranoid about it? You know better than anyone else will.
I was abused by my dad and work in a sexual abuse charity, it’s strikingly common which might not ease your nerves but I think it’s down to you on managing those fears in a way. Again I’d examine why you feel the way you do

MotherofWomen · 07/12/2023 20:36

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 17:00

I always had those concerns about my kids when they were little, and who could babysit etc.
I currently work with men in prison for sex crimes, and there is a very definite type. I wish I knew it when my kids were younger.

Would you mind sharing? It might help others @Disco50

MotherofWomen · 07/12/2023 20:38

Disco50 · 07/12/2023 18:48

In reply to your comment @Greenshake, I absolutely did NOT mean socio-economic means of identifying paedophiles. The groups I teach are disparate in most ways.
What they appear to share is a lack of aggressive testosterone. They are kind, soft, warm, polite, inoffensive. The kind of men that women feel safe with. They often hold down decent jobs, and appear very sensitive and safe. They are likeable and personable and appear kind.

Sorry @Disco50 ignore me! I see now that you did expand. Interesting, thank you.

GirrlCrush · 07/12/2023 20:39

There's no 'type' to look out for

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2023 20:40

MotherofWomen · 07/12/2023 20:38

Sorry @Disco50 ignore me! I see now that you did expand. Interesting, thank you.

Show quote history

So if that's the case it should be easy to pre-emptively identify, surely?

Original poster
Cantgetwarmbrr · 07/12/2023 20:40

@begaydocrime42 Ive no idea, I am too protective in other ways too..worried about any teachers being mean to her, I worry taxi drivers are dodgy (not to kids-rapists etc) so I obviously have these anxieties deep down, SA to my child is my worst fear or one of them, so it’s massively heightened

So sorry about your dad, that is just horrific

OP posts:
MumOfOneAwesomeHuman · 07/12/2023 20:41

I felt like this when my dd was little but I do have a history of abuse so think it was down to that. It got better as she got older but my fears definitely made her quite paranoid about walking anywhere alone. Even now she will only walk to town with friends. So take my advice and work on your fears before she gets wind of them.
Most child abuse happens in the home so if home is safe the chance she'll encounter a paedophile is pretty unlikely.

OhpoorMe · 07/12/2023 20:42

LolaSmiles · 07/12/2023 20:25

onwardsup4
If it's the same study as the one I'm thinking of there was a thread on it yesterday but it's disappeared from my list, probably deleted, that was about this study.
If I remember correctly there were some concerning statistics but also some problems with the methodology. For example most people who answered were over 24, and in the country it was done the age of consent was 16, and one question was about whether the respondents had ever had sex with someone under 18 when they were over 18 (which included everything from predatory dangers to children through to an 18/19 year old dating a 17 year old).

Edit to add - concerning statistics like % of men over 50/65 who would have sex with someone under 18.

Edited

No this was different. It was U.K., US and Australia (actually U.K. had lowest figures) and was specifically about children 12-14